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  1. #1
    pleasecorrectme is offline Newbie
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    Lightbulb Essay to be read and correct!

    Hi Hi ! This is my first time trying to write an essay in third person! I hope someone could proofread it and.. and... maybe give some comments on how to improve in the writing! Thank you so much! Hahaha!

    Silence

    Paul was a special boy. He loved the quietness; he enjoyed the silence. He hated noise, he thought that it made him confuse. He could not understand why people made noises; why machines produced noises. He loved it when people leave him alone and he hated it when people ask him questions. He had a dog, a dumb dog, which never barked. Paul could talk, but he chose not to.

    “Hey dummy!” screamed one of his classmate across the field. As usual, his classmates made fun of him just because he was different. This was why he couldn’t understand why people made noises. Isn’t it better to live in silence? He loved the silence.

    It was amazing that Paul’s parent did not put him in a special school. He would love it there. Deep down inside, he knew why he was not taken to special school. His parent felt embarrassed about it. They were ashamed to have a son in special school, so they forced him to study in a normal school.

    Suddenly, he felt a tug on his hand. He looked at his dog. It was urging him to move on and ignore his classmate. With that, he hung his head low and followed the dog. It was golden colour, a fine Labrador. It was a special dog, different from the other breed; and it does not bark.

    Paul had gotten his dog since he was eight. The dog was alone and abandoned. It was sitting by the pavement on its own. Paul walked over, hugged the dog and brought it home. His parent rejected the dog at first, but Paul held on to it as if it was his life when his father dragged it away. In the end, they gave up and let him had the dog. He had a special affinity with it; he could feel it.

    “My, my, Paul… Oh, Paul… are you running away?” his classmate mocked him. The problem with this kind of people was that they made too much noise. Paul felt that peace was a god’s gift. It was the silence that had made peace so special. Paul did not have animosity towards his classmate. In fact, he doesn’t have any hatred towards anybody.

    Suddenly, he felt the dog’s fur brushed against his feet. It stopped. Why had it stopped? Paul looked around. They were out of the school compound and had arrived at the road outside of the school.

    There were heavy traffics. There were so many cars – too many. He quickly bent down to hug his dog. It gave him comfort and made him felt brave. Why had the cars made such horrible beeping noises? How could he live without his dog? Little did he know, he would soon find out.

    The dog wriggled out of his grip and dashed out onto the road. Paul did not have enough strength to stop it. Then, a car screeched and he saw his dog flew up into the air and dropped down – dead.

    Paul stood there, watching. It seemed forever. Noise surrounded him - car stopping, man cursing, door slamming and car speeding off. His dog lay there in a pool of blood. He never knew the blood of his dog as red. He had always thought it was golden – like the colour of its fur.

    The noise became clearer and louder. He cupped his ear to block out the noise. He longed for silence.

    After that incident, Paul became weirder. He does not look at people anymore. Everyday, he hung his head low. He seemed to have lost his soul, lost the power to live on. He remembered the first time seeing his dog; it was his first communication to the world. It gave him hope of feeling normal again, the normality his parents had always wanted.

    Also, the dog was like him. He felt that he was not the only one who doesn’t like to talk. The dog made him felt less lonely. He had hoped, through his dog, he could gain love from his parent again. But when the dog died, all hope was gone. He became what people called, the living dead. He had given up trying to understand the world. He chose to live in his silent world. He felt that he was much happier there.
    Last edited by pleasecorrectme; 08-Oct-2008 at 17:15.

  2. #2
    jlinger is offline Senior Member
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    Re: Essay to be read and correct!

    There are a couple of small errors here that I am sure others will point out for you, but I wanted just to quickly say that I enjoyed your essay. I like your style. The short sentences punctuate the mood. Very nice! Thanks for sharing!

  3. #3
    Maluues is offline Junior Member
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    Re: Essay to be read and correct!

    Quote Originally Posted by pleasecorrectme View Post
    Hi Hi ! This is my first time trying to write an essay in third person! I hope someone could proofread it and.. and... maybe give some comments on how to improve in the writing! Thank you so much! Hahaha!

    Silence

    Paul was a special boy. He loved the quietness; he enjoyed the silence. He hated noise, he thought that it made him confuse. He could not understand why people made noises; why machines produced noises. He loved it when people leave him alone and he hated it when people ask him questions. He had a dog, a dumb dog, which never barked. Paul could talk, but he chose not to.

    “Hey dummy!” screamed one of his classmate across the field. As usual, his classmates made fun of him just because he was different. This was why he couldn’t understand why people made noises. Isn’t it better to live in silence? He loved the silence.

    It was amazing that Paul’s parent did not put him in a special school. He would love it there. Deep down inside, he knew why he was not taken to special school. His parent felt embarrassed about it. They were ashamed to have a son in special school, so they forced him to study in a normal school.

    Suddenly, he felt a tug on his hand. He looked at his dog. It was urging him to move on and ignore his classmate. With that, he hung his head low and followed the dog. It was golden colour, a fine Labrador. It was a special dog, different from the other breed; and it does not bark.

    Paul had gotten his dog since he was eight. The dog was alone and abandoned. It was sitting by the pavement on its own. Paul walked over, hugged the dog and brought it home. His parent rejected the dog at first, but Paul held on to it as if it was his life when his father dragged it away. In the end, they gave up and let him had the dog. He had a special affinity with it; he could feel it.

    “My, my, Paul… Oh, Paul… are you running away?” his classmate mocked him. The problem with this kind of people was that they made too much noise. Paul felt that peace was a god’s gift. It was the silence that had made peace so special. Paul did not have animosity towards his classmate. In fact, he doesn’t have any hatred towards anybody.

    Suddenly, he felt the dog’s fur brushed against his feet. It stopped. Why had it stopped? Paul looked around. They were out of the school compound and had arrived at the road outside of the school.

    There were heavy traffics. There were so many cars – too many. He quickly bent down to hug his dog. It gave him comfort and made him felt brave. Why had the cars made such horrible beeping noises? How could he live without his dog? Little did he know, he would soon find out.

    The dog wriggled out of his grip and dashed out onto the road. Paul did not have enough strength to stop it. Then, a car screeched and he saw his dog flew up into the air and dropped down – dead.

    Paul stood there, watching. It seemed forever. Noise surrounded him - car stopping, man cursing, door slamming and car speeding off. His dog lay there in a pool of blood. He never knew the blood of his dog as red. He had always thought it was golden – like the colour of its fur.

    The noise became clearer and louder. He cupped his ear to block out the noise. He longed for silence.

    After that incident, Paul became weirder. He does not look at people anymore. Everyday, he hung his head low. He seemed to have lost his soul, lost the power to live on. He remembered the first time seeing his dog; it was his first communication to the world. It gave him hope of feeling normal again, the normality his parents had always wanted.

    Also, the dog was like him. He felt that he was not the only one who doesn’t like to talk. The dog made him felt less lonely. He had hoped, through his dog, he could gain love from his parent again. But when the dog died, all hope was gone. He became what people called, the living dead. He had given up trying to understand the world. He chose to live in his silent world. He felt that he was much happier there.

    Silence

    Paul was a special boy. He loved the quietness; he enjoyed the silence. He hated noise, he thought that it made him confuse. He could not understand why people made noises; why machines produced noises. He loved it when people left him alone and he hated it when people asked him questions. He had a dog, a dumb dog, which never barked. Paul could talk, but he chose not to.

    “Hey dummy!” screamed one of his classmates across the field. As usual, his classmates made fun of him just because he was different. Because of this he couldn’t understand why people made noises. Wouldn't it be better to live in silence? He loved the silence.

    It was amazing that Paul’s parent did not put him in a special school. He would love it there. Deep down inside, he knew why he was not taken to a special school. His parents felt embarrassed about it. They would be ashamed to have a son in a special school, so they forced him to study at a normal school.

    Suddenly, he felt a tug on his hand. He looked at his dog. It (He) was urging him to move on and ignore his classmate. With that, he hung his head low and followed the dog. It(He) was golden coloured, a fine Labrador. It was a special dog, different from the other breed; and it did not (would not) bark.

    Paul got his dog when he was eight. The dog was alone and abandoned. It was sitting by the pavement on its own. Paul walked over, hugged the dog and brought it home. His parent rejected the dog at first, but Paul held on to it as if it was his life when his father dragged it away. In the end, they gave up and let him had the dog. He had a special affinity with it; he could feel it.

    “My, my, Paul… Oh, Paul… are you running away?” his classmate mocked him. The problem with this kind of people was that they made too much noise. Paul felt that peace was God's gift. It was the silence that made peace so special. Paul did not have animosity towards his classmate. In fact, he didn't have any hatred towards anybody.

    Suddenly, he felt the dog’s fur brushed against his feet. It stopped. Why did it stop? Paul looked around. They were out of the school compound and had arrived at the road outside of the school.

    There were heavy traffics. There were so many cars – too many. He quickly bent down to hug his dog. It gave him comfort and made him feel brave. Why did the cars made such horrible beeping noises? How could he live without his dog? Little did he know, he would soon find out. (I am not sure what you want to express with this sentence)

    The dog wriggled out of his grip and dashed out onto the road. Paul did not have enough strength to stop it. Then, a car screeched and he saw his dog flying up into the air and dropping down – dead.

    Paul stood there, watching. It seemed forever. Noise surrounded him - cars stopping, men cursing, doors slamming and cars speeding off. His dog lay there in a pool of blood. He never knew the blood of his dog was red. He had always thought it was golden – like the colour of its fur.

    The noise became clearer and louder. He cupped his ear to block out the noise. He longed for silence.

    After that incident, Paul became weirder. He did not look at people anymore. Everyday, he hung his head low. He seemed to have lost his soul, lost the power to live on. He remembered the first time seeing his dog; it was his first communication to the world. It gave him hope of feeling normal again, the normality his parents had always wanted.

    Also, the dog was like him. He felt that he was not the only one who didnt't like to talk. The dog made him felt less lonely. He had hoped, he could gain love from his parents again through his dog,. But when the dog died, all his hope was gone. He became what people called, the living dead. He had given up trying to understand the world. He chose to live in his silent world. He felt that he was much happier there.

    Just a student from Germany.
    I think there are still some mistakes.

    All in all nice essay. Watch out to stick to the tense you use atthe beginning of your writings and keep up the good work ;)

  4. #4
    pleasecorrectme is offline Newbie
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    Re: Essay to be read and correct!

    That was a lot of mistakes! I will take note of it ! Thank you so much! Thank you everyone!

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