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Thread: Accidently

  1. #1
    thedaffodils's Avatar
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    Smile Accidently

    This is a free verse poem originally written in Chinese by the late poet -Xu Zhimo, and I just translated it into English for practice. I would appreciate if any of you could polisih or comment on it at your convenience. Does the Engish of translation make sense to native speakers? I am not confident of my English. Many thanks!


    Accidently


    I am a cloud in the skies,
    Accidently cast my reflection on your heart.
    Please don't be surprised,
    And needless to be delight,
    In a whiff I'd disappear without trace.

    You and I encountered in the sea of the night,
    You had your direction, and so did I.
    Fine if you remember,
    Yet, better if you forget,
    The spark when we met.
    Last edited by thedaffodils; 11-Oct-2008 at 13:43.

  2. #2
    susiedqq is offline Key Member
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    Default Re: Accidently

    I am having trouble following the underlined lines:

    I am a cloud in the skies,
    Accidently cast my reflection on your heart.
    Please don't be surprised,
    And needless to be delight,
    In a whiff I'd disappear without trace.

    You and I encountered in the sea of the night,
    You had your direction, and so did I.
    Fine if you remember,
    Yet, better if you forget,
    The spark when we met.

  3. #3
    thedaffodils's Avatar
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    Smile Re: Accidently

    Hi Susiedqq:

    Thank you for taking time to reply.

    And needless to be delight,

    "You" needn't be happy ( because it was just an encounter)

    in the sea of the night,

    They run into each other one night in the sea.

    (I think they encountered in the unforeseeable sea trip. They probably both depressed and the spark lighted the darkness.)

    If there're better ways to express these, please kindly let me know. Thanks again.

  4. #4
    susiedqq is offline Key Member
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    Default Re: Accidently

    Of course you must follow the translation, but here's how it makes sense to me:

    I am a cloud in the skies,
    Accidently cast my reflection on your heart.

    Please don't be surprised,
    or delighted needlessly
    In a whiff I'd disappear without trace.

    You and I encountered on a sea one night,
    You had your direction, and so did I.
    Fine if you remember,
    Yet, better if you forget,
    The spark when we met.

  5. #5
    thedaffodils's Avatar
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    Smile Re: Accidently

    Hi Susiedqq,

    Thank you very much.

  6. #6
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    Default Re: Accidently

    Quote Originally Posted by susiedqq View Post
    Of course you must follow the translation, but here's how it makes sense to me:

    I am a cloud in the skies,
    Accidently cast my reflection on your heart.

    Please don't be surprised,
    or delighted needlessly
    In a whiff I'd disappear without trace.

    You and I encountered on a sea one night,
    You had your direction, and so did I.
    Fine if you remember,
    Yet, better if you forget,
    The spark when we met.
    I think the sentence "Please don't be surprised," needs to rhyme with something that sounds like delight.
    Since it's a poem we can take liberties with grammar. So
    Or needlessly be joyed
    rhymes better
    We can even use the word overjoyed as it's a make-do synonym of delight/delighted.

  7. #7
    susiedqq is offline Key Member
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    Default Re: Accidently

    I am not hearing rhymes in this poem.

    I hear a pleasing cadence of words.

    needlessly overjoyed is a good suggestion

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