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  1. #1
    imaggie is offline Newbie
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    Exclamation Please help me revise college app essay!!

    Change is essential in one’s life, though it can be difficult. Change is inevitable; however, people often fail to accept change. It forces one to explore a new turf leading us to unprecedented beginnings. Change will cause one to mature, bringing improvement to them endlessly. Some people have a hard time letting go of their past, but for me, I’m glad my past is through. Even though my history has built me, I feel that I could have had better memories. Reflecting back, I noticed how much I have grown, matured and learned.
    As a senior in Dyker Heights Intermediate School, I was thrilled when I got accepted to James Madison High School. All I thought about was “Yay! All my friends are already in that school!” When school started, it did not take long until I was influenced into cutting school. Perhaps I believed that cutting school was what brought me “happiness”, but little did I know I was building lifetime regret. I started my high school years with what I believed was acceptable rather than what was right. I used to spend most of time with my boyfriend believing that he was my everything. Consequently, these events caused many issues between me and my parents; we could not get along. When my ex-boyfriend and I broke up, I looked back on how much has happened. I actually failed a whole semester in order to spend time with him. Then at that moment, I felt that there was a need for change.
    Change began when I realize how behind I was in school. In order for me to keep up, I had to double many classes and take night school. It was hard lifestyle at first because it was so easy to turn back into yesterday’s path. A close friend of mine always reminded me “A winner is big enough to admit her mistakes, smart enough to profit from them and strong enough to correct them” and that was what I remind myself whenever I got sidetracked. When I caught up with my school work, I really wanted to join the Volleyball team. I went to tryouts and made it on the team; Coach actually wanted me to be a starter! However, into the weeks of practices, she told me that I cannot be placed on the team officially because I failed Gym last term; I was devastated. Now I look back into the things I have done and thought how naïve I was. Now I understand that a boyfriend is not supposed to be your “other half” but a supplementary.

    As time passed, I brought up the grades in school by working twice as hard in each class to make it up for myself. I focused on becoming an independent individual; I felt that I needed to learn to love myself before I can love others. When the first term of junior year ended for me, I saw an 86% overall grade on my report card. I felt content and realized looking at the achievement and the smile from my parents was what really brought me true happiness. I became success hungry, and felt that education is very important to me. I do not accept failure anymore; it has always made me try harder the next time. At that very moment, I felt that my life was actually in place. I even found myself a job, working in Kumon, a learning center. Even when I am teaching the kids, I feel that I am learning myself. With the income I was earning, I chose to stop spending my parent’s money and worked for the things I wished for. As for now, my family became my best friend. One thing I learned was that people come and go; but your parents are always there for you.
    My parents always told me “To learn is to change. Education is a process that changes the learner”. Change can be good or bad, it’s just the way life is. Nothing stays the same. Four years in high school has brought me substantial change. From a girl missing classes to a competitive scholarly student, change is definitely achievable through determination, the will of what is better for one's self. Even though some of the most beautiful things in my life have ended, endings bring about strength and teaches lesson that could have never been learned otherwise. Being a firm believer in my future, setting a goal is not the main thing. It’s deciding on how you will go about achieving it and staying with the plan. So I started my journey into my future first off applying to University of Buffalo.

  2. #2
    Anglika is offline No Longer With Us
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    Default Re: Please help me revise college app essay!!

    Welcome to the forums

    Quote Originally Posted by imaggie View Post
    Change is essential in one’s life, though it can be difficult. Change is inevitable; however, people often fail to accept change. It forces one to explore a new turf [not an English idiom. "fresh pastures" leading us to unprecedented beginnings. Change will cause one to mature, bringing improvement to them [what does "them" relate to?] endlessly. Some people have a hard time letting go of their past, but for me, I’m glad my past is through over. Even though my history has built me, I feel that I could have had better memories. Reflecting back, I noticed how much I have grown, matured and learned.

    As a senior in Dyker Heights Intermediate School, I was thrilled when I was accepted by James Madison High School. All I thought about was “Yay! All my friends are already in that school!” When school started, it did not take long until I was influenced into cutting school. Perhaps I believed that cutting school was what brought me “happiness”, but little did I know I was building lifetime regret. I started my high school years with what I believed was acceptable rather than what was right. I used to spend most of the time with my boyfriend, believing that he was my everything. Consequently, these events caused many issues between me and my parents; we could not get along. When my ex-boyfriend and I broke up, I looked back on how much has happened. I actually failed a whole semester in order to spend time with him. It was at that moment, I felt that there was a need for change.

    Change began when I realized how behind I was in school. In order for me to keep up, I had to double many classes and take night school. It was hard lifestyle at first because it was so easy to turn back into yesterday’s path. A close friend of mine [unnecessary = omit] always reminded me, “A winner is big enough to admit her mistakes, smart enough to profit from them and strong enough to correct them” and that was what I reminded myself whenever I was sidetracked. When I caught up with my school work, I really wanted to join the Volleyball team. I went to tryouts and made it onto the team; Coach actually wanted me to be a starter! However, after weeks of practices, she told me that I cannot be placed on the team officially because I failed Gym last term; I was devastated. Now I look back at the things I have done and thought [wrong tense - you start the sentence in the present and need to continue it in the present] how naïve I was. Now I understand that a boyfriend is not supposed to be your “other half” but a supplementary.

    As time passed, I brought up my grades in school by working twice as hard in each class to make it up to myself. I focused on becoming an independent individual; I felt that I needed to learn to love myself before I can love others. When the first term of junior year ended for me, I saw an 86% overall grade on my report card. I felt content and realized, looking at the achievement and the smile from my parents, was that this is what really brought me true happiness. I became success-hungry, and felt that education is very important to me. I do not accept failure any more; it has always made me try harder the next time. At that very moment, I felt that my life was actually in place. I even found myself a job, working in Kumon, a learning center. Even when I am teaching the kids, I feel that I am learning myself. With the income I was earning, I chose to stop spending my parent’s money and worked for the things I wished for. Now my family became my best friends. One thing I learned was that people come and go; but your parents are always there for you.

    My parents always told me, “To learn is to change. Education is a process that changes the learner”. Change can be good or bad, it’s just the way life is. Nothing stays the same. Four years in high school has brought me substantial change. From a girl missing classes to a competitive scholarly student, change is definitely achievable through determination, the will awareness of what is better for one's self. Even though some of the most beautiful things in my life have ended, endings bring about strength and teaches [plural subject=plural verb] a lesson/lessons that could have never been learned otherwise. Being a firm believer in my future, setting a goal is not the main thing. It’s deciding on how you will go about achieving it and staying with the plan. So I started my journey into my future first off applying to the University of Buffalo.
    ..

    Not at all bad.

    Please, though, do not post in red. It is difficult to read.

  3. #3
    imaggie is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: Please help me revise college app essay!!

    amazing. thank you SO much!!

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