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  1. #1
    metobe is offline Newbie
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    Essay

    Hi I'm in grade 10 and had to write an essay about how I perpetuate inequality (to what extent) Any help is well...helpful!!!
    __________________________________________________ _______

    There were so many of them around me. Their thin, brittle hands reached out to me, begging me for the fortune of some spare change. I thought these children had no other choice. All they had was this life on the street, and I thought nothing and no one could change that. I decided to give each of them a Ruble, just to see them smile. At that moment I felt my mom’s hand on my shoulder “What you’re doing now is just influencing them into staying here. Think about it. ” She turned to the Russian gypsy children “Where are your parents?” she looked around then said in a very serious tone “If you wish, you come with me. I can show you a warm home where you will be provided food and education. There may be more work, but it will be for a better life.” She started to lead them away, when suddenly a herd of alarmed parents sprang at us from nowhere. They collected their children and stared at us with shocked expressions. Since we were drawing a crowd, we decided to leave after that, but before we did, my mom looked at the adults sternly “If you care about your children that much, they should be in school, not on the street following in your footsteps.”
    I contemplated that comment for a long time now, until I finally understood. Anytime I had given my small change to a child on the street, I had actually encouraged their position. Instead of working towards “education for all”, a children’s right, I give them a few spare coins and call it charity. With this small reward I’m giving them an invisible note saying, “This is what you’re meant to be doing. This is your fate” As I eat my breakfast in my warm home, groaning about having to go to my very successful school, those Russian gypsies are sitting outside in the frosty desert of snow, wishing they could take my place. In reality, the only thing keeping them from being able to do so is an opportunity I am preventing them from finding. Just by refusing them that spare change, I could pressure them into searching for that better life. Once I understood what I should do, it caused me to think - how can I do it? I then also wondered - what other small, seemingly insignificant actions have I done that could cause so much harm without my awareness?

    Not long ago, I had read in a book “That the native does not like the tourist is not hard to explain…pleasure for yourself” (A Small Place, Jamaica Kincaid, p. 18-19) Surprisingly, this shocked me even though it wasn’t news – Many times I felt that locals in developing countries, such as Thailand, dislike me as a tourist because I am obviously more well off than them, to be able to come to their areas for a holiday. However, I had never really scrutinized this idea. Previously, I thought that tourism helped their economy and lifestyle. This may, in some ways, be true, since today most of those countries’ main income is tourism. Yet thinking more about this, I discovered that this wasn’t always positive. On account of tourism, their development has been halted in order to exhibit their ‘culture’ to me, and every time I pay them to do so, I promote this. With this I found out, I’m never really sure of the effect of my doings, and this is why I need to research and analyze every action if I want to be really sure about it. We all need to be cautious with our actions, as there are many ways in which we can factor into this form of inequality.

    An article about the ring-necked women of Thailand reads: “They do not want us to leave because it will hurt tourism. But I don’t want to be put on display anymore” (Marie Claire Magazine, “Please set me free” p.126). These women wish very much to be normal, modern and international, yet they can’t even get as far as discussing this issue with foreigners, as it will dock their wages. Just by being a tourist, showing interest for human attractions such as these, we may pressurize them to stay there, where they are sure to get money, that being the only favorable aspect. What’s more, we come there flaunting our modernity and fortune, aspects previously unfamiliar to them. Some people believe this is beneficial to them, and that it ‘opens them up’ to the world. However, they have managed to live comfortably in their traditional way for centuries, and now that they have seen us, it dispirits them, making them unable to live contentedly as they did in the past.

    There are numerous ways in which we can, unknowingly, cause the continuation of the lower-class populace to stay in their place. Hardly ever is an attempt made to show them a chance at a better lifestyle, to encourage their public schooling, rather than taking our enjoyment from their forced displays of ‘tradition’. Our main foundering has always been that we make no effort towards a change. Rather than with money, we need to show our solicitude through positive, better thought-over actions, finding out more about them and their homeland, to then discover good ways in which we can help. This will usually involve more hard work and contribution, but if we at least try to take the smallest part in improving their schooling, encouraging their previous traditional income by keeping away from tourist setups, and other aspects such as this, if we let them develop, we will probably be surprised at the result. Just by stepping out and putting in a small contribution, I will be able to make a difference, and perhaps even encourage others to follow me in doing so.

  2. #2
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    Re: Essay

    There were so many of them around me. Their thin, brittle hands reached out to me, begging me for the fortune of some spare change. I thought, "These children have no other choice. All they have is this life on the street"; and I thought(omit) nothing and no one can change that.

    I decided to give each of them a Ruble, just to see them smile. At that moment, I felt my mom’s hand on my shoulder
    :there's a problem with the logical sequence of events here. 'you decided' - which is going on in your head...and 'at that moment' = at the moment of deciding, how did your mother know what you were thinking?

    I reached into my pocket to give each of them a Ruble, just to see them smile. As I did so, I felt my mom’s hand on my shoulder. “What you’re doing now is just encouraging/inducing them

    into staying here. Do you mean, remaining in that spot, or in a life of begging?


    Think about it." She turned to the Russian gypsy children. “Where are your parents?” She looked around, then said in a very serious tone, “If you wish, you can come with me. I can show you a warm home where you will be provided with food and education. There may be more work, but it will be for a better life.” She started to lead them away, when suddenly a herd of alarmed parents sprang at us from nowhere. They collected their children and stared at us with shocked expressions. Since we were drawing a crowd, we decided to leave after that(omit); but before we did, my mom looked at the adults sternly. “If you care about your children that much, they should be in school, not on the street following in your footsteps.”
    I contemplated that comment for a long time now(omit), until I finally understood: anytime I gave my small change to a child on the street, I actually encouraged their situation. Instead of working towards “education for all”, the right of every child, I am giving them a few spare coins and calling it charity. With each small token, I’m giving them an invisible note saying, “This is what you’re meant to be doing. This is your fate.” As I eat my breakfast in my warm home, moaning about having to go to my very privileged school, those Russian gypsies are sitting outside in the

    frosty desert of snow, : frost forms on the ground and other surfaces when the temperature falls below freezing. It is very odd to be saying that snow is frosty.

    wishing they could take my place. In reality, the only thing keeping them from being able to do so is an opportunity I am preventing them from finding. Yes, they may want to actually take your place, but it is not 'some opportunity' you are depriving them of - your mother may not be happy for you to swap your place with a gypsy so she has a different daughter! You mean something along the lines of 'have what I have'.

    Just by refusing them that spare change, I might induce them into searching for that better life.

    Once I understood what I should do, it caused me to think - how can I do it? What you understood was not to give them spare change - you knew what you needed to do. This needs re-wording, bearing in mind your next sentence:



    I then also wondered - what other small, seemingly insignificant actions have I done

    that could cause so much harm without my awareness? : You haven't actually inflicted any harm, never mind 'so much' - you're being very hard on yourself! Again, you mean 'what misguided actions have perpetuated their state, rather than inducing them to seek alternatives'.

    Not long ago, I had read in a book : You have two options. "Not long before, I had read..." or "Not long ago, I read in..."


    “That the native does not like the tourist is not hard to explain…pleasure for yourself” (A Small Place, Jamaica Kincaid, p. 18-19)
    An ellipsis is used to show that words have been omitted from a quote...BUT the words omitted are unnecessary for the comprehension of the quote, and for conveying the meaning you intend. As it stands, the quote does not make sense. It would be better as:

    “That the native does not like the tourist is not hard to explain…they envy your ability to leave your own banality and boredom, they envy your ability to turn their own banality and boredom into a source of pleasure for yourself”

    Surprisingly, this shocked me, even though it wasn’t news. Many times I felt that locals in developing countries, such as Thailand, disliked me as a tourist because I am obviously so much better off than they, : If you have a privileged education, better to draw on it and use 'they' not the colloquial, ungrammatical 'them'.


    and able to come to their countries for a holiday. However, I had never really explored this idea. Previously, I thought that tourism helped their economy and lifestyle. This may, in some ways, be true, since today most of those countries’ main income is tourism. Yet thinking more about this, I realized that this wasn’t always all positive. For the sake of tourism, their personal advancement is being halted in order to exhibit their ‘culture’ to me, and every time I pay them to do so, I promote this.

    It struck me that I can never be really sure
    of the effect of my actions; and so I needed to research and analyze every action if I want to be really sure about it.: This is repeating itself, and needs rewording.


    We all need to be wary with our actions, as there are many ways in which we can unwittingly foster this form of inequality.

    An article about the ring-necked women of Thailand reads: “They do not want us to leave because it will hurt tourism. But I don’t want to be put on display anymore” (Marie Claire Magazine, “Please set me free” p.126). These women wish very much to be normal, modern and international, yet they can’t even get as far as discussing this issue with foreigners, as their wages will be docked. Just by being a tourist, showing interest in human attractions such as these, we may pressurize them into staying there, where they are

    BRIT. Eng. in the next sentences:

    sure to get money - the only favourable aspect. What’s more, we go there, flaunting our modernity and fortune, aspects of life previously unfamiliar to them. Some people believe this is beneficial to them, and(omit) that it ‘opens them up’ to the world. However, they have managed to live comfortably in their traditional ways for centuries, and now that they have seen us, it dispirits them,

    making them unable to live contentedly as they did in the past. : again, a little sweeping in its condemnation. What about:

    and further detracts from their contentedness with their lives.
    Last edited by David L.; 29-Oct-2008 at 15:42.

  3. #3
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    Re: Essay

    There are numerous ways in which we can, unknowingly, cause the continuation of the lower-class populace to stay in their place. Hardly ever is an attempt made to show them a chance at a better lifestyle, to encourage their public schooling, rather than taking our enjoyment from their forced displays of ‘tradition’. Our main foundering has always been that we make no effort towards a change. Rather than with money, we need to show our solicitude through positive, better thought-over actions, finding out more about them and their homeland, to then discover good ways in which we can help. This will usually involve more hard work and contribution, but if we at least try to take the smallest part in improving their schooling, encouraging their previous traditional income by keeping away from tourist setups, and other aspects such as this, if we let them develop, we will probably be surprised at the result. Just by stepping out and putting in a small contribution, I will be able to make a difference, and perhaps even encourage others to follow me in doing so.

    You start by saying 'there are numerous ways' - then later write, 'to then discover good ways in which we can help'.
    Also, perhaps you might like to reflect on the principles you are advocating here. You write 'to show them a chance at a better lifestyle' and 'if we at least try to take the smallest part in improving their schooling' and 'Our main foundering has always been that we make no effort towards a change.'
    Earlier in your essay you wrote: It struck me that I can never be really sure[/color] of the effect of my actions;
    If I follow your advice, then, for example, if I visit Slovenia and feel that some of your traditions are not 'progressive', does that give me that right to start, as an outsider, and as an individual, to take action counter to your way of life because I think aspects of your life are detrimental? Certainly, I can determine what I will 'keep away from' and also decline to give to beggars, but in terms of suggesting we take any direct actions...?

    I do share your ideals and your caveats. I have given money to a legless beggar in Thailand, and tipped generously 'to spread the wealth'; but in Rome Railway Station, recoiled from putting any money in the begging bowl of a woman sitting on the floor with a crying baby in her arms...............
    ........whom I had observed to pinch the baby very hard whenever it stopped crying out of sheer exhaustion, to keep it crying, and evoke 'generosity' in passers-by.

    Your command of English is outstanding, and your ability to communicate your ideas in such a fluent style of writing would put many year 10 native speakers to shame!
    Last edited by David L.; 29-Oct-2008 at 15:44.

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