Results 1 to 10 of 10
  1. #1
    jamilakn is offline Junior Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Student or Learner
      • Native Language:
      • Urdu
      • Home Country:
      • Pakistan
      • Current Location:
      • Kuwait
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Posts
    37
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default please mark my essay

    Crime is a pursuit of the poor. Discuss.

    Crime never pays. As it is commonly understood that crimes are usually committed by poor, this has been seen that rich also perpetrate. Some believe that crimes are quest of poor and some refute this .These points of view will be discussed in this order.

    It is believed by some that crimes are usually done by poor. Some figures based on reports released by government departments, are presented to support this believe. Daily newspapers are full with the crime news and most of the times poor are caught and sentenced. That are the reasons some people gravitate towards this point of view.

    On the other hand those who refute that only poor are involved in crimes, argue that because of social disparity in societies, there are less opportunities for poor to earn their livings legitimately. They are forced to carry out crimes to fulfill their basic needs for instance food and shelter .Whereas rich people do crimes for greed as they already have all amenities of life, furthermore the crimes committed by rich are sophisticated and are difficult to prosecute because of their access to higher places. That argument has convinced a lot of people.

    After analyzing these points of view it is clear that poor are not only crime seekers but rich too are involved in crimes. Governments should come ahead to address this problem and do something more to provide basic requirements of life for all .It is worth mention that rich people however, have more responsibility just not to indulge themselves in crimes but also to prevent poor from doing so.

  2. #2
    Raymott's Avatar
    Raymott is offline VIP Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Academic
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • Australia
      • Current Location:
      • Australia
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    Posts
    19,548
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: please mark my essay

    Quote Originally Posted by jamilakn View Post
    crime is a pursuit of the poor. Discuss.

    crime never pays. it is commonly believed that crimes are usually committed by poor, but it has been found that rich people are also perpetrators. [some believe that crimes are quest of poor and some refute this.] (redundant) these points of view will be discussed in this order.
    [technically you should start with the argument that "crime never pays", or change your statement about what points of views are going to be discussed, and in what order].

    it is believed by some that crimes are usually committed by poor. Some figures based on reports released by government departments are presented to support this belief. Daily newspapers are full of crime news and most times the poor are arrested and sentenced. those are the reasons some people tend towards this point of view.

    on the other hand those who refute that only poor are involved in crimes, argue that because of social disparity in societies, there are less opportunities for the poor to earn their livings legitimately. They are forced to carry out crimes to fulfill their basic needs, for instance food and shelter, whereas rich people commit crimes for greed as they already have all amenities of life. furthermore the crimes committed by the rich are sophisticated and are difficult to prosecute because of the perpetrator's access to higher places. That argument has convinced a lot of people.

    after analyzing these points of view it is clear that the poor are not the only crime seekers but rich too are involved in crimes. Governments should address this problem and do something more to provide basic requirements of life for all. It is worth mentioning that rich people, however, have more responsibility just not to indulge themselves in crimes but also to prevent the poor from doing so.
    r.

  3. #3
    jamilakn is offline Junior Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Student or Learner
      • Native Language:
      • Urdu
      • Home Country:
      • Pakistan
      • Current Location:
      • Kuwait
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Posts
    37
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: please mark my essay

    Thank you very much for checking my work.I couldn't get you by,

    [technically you should start with the argument that "crime never pays", or change your statement about what points of views are going to be discussed, and in what order].

    What I am supposed to write now? Just help in the first Paragraph.It would be a great favour to me.
    Last edited by jamilakn; 11-Nov-2008 at 18:46.

  4. #4
    Raymott's Avatar
    Raymott is offline VIP Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Academic
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • Australia
      • Current Location:
      • Australia
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    Posts
    19,548
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: please mark my essay

    Quote Originally Posted by jamilakn View Post
    Thank you very much for checking my work.I couldn't get you by,

    [technically you should start with the argument that "crime never pays", or change your statement about what points of views are going to be discussed, and in what order].

    What I am supposed to write now? Just help in the first Paragraph.It would be a great favour to me.
    What I meant is that you don't write an essay like this:

    -----------------------------
    Introduction:
    Point 1 (Crime doesn't pay)
    Point 2 (People believe it is always the poor)
    Point 3 (But sometimes it's the rich)
    "I will now discuss these points in this order"

    Body of discussion
    Point 2 ....
    -----------------------------

    You don't say you're going to discuss a point unless you are going to.

    "Crime doesn't pay" is a bad opening because you never address this point again; and the essay has nothing to do with crime not paying.

  5. #5
    jamilakn is offline Junior Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Student or Learner
      • Native Language:
      • Urdu
      • Home Country:
      • Pakistan
      • Current Location:
      • Kuwait
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Posts
    37
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: please mark my essay

    Dear Raymott,
    So can I rephrase the introduction paragraph like that:

    Crimes are committed by both rich and poor.People believe it's always the poor who commit crimes,but sometimes it's rich who are involved in crimes.These points of views will be discussed in this order.

  6. #6
    Raymott's Avatar
    Raymott is offline VIP Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Academic
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • Australia
      • Current Location:
      • Australia
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    Posts
    19,548
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: please mark my essay

    Quote Originally Posted by jamilakn View Post
    Dear Raymott,
    So can I rephrase the introduction paragraph like that:

    Crimes are committed by both rich and poor.People believe it's always the poor who commit crimes,but sometimes it's rich who are involved in crimes.These points of views will be discussed in this order.
    That would be a more consistent introduction. I would mark that higher.
    If you hadn't used your word limit, you could add your last sentence (which also doesn't belong in your conclusion, since it appears nowhere else) to the introduction, and explain in the body why rich people had a greater obligation to prevent the poor from committing crimes.
    Essentially that is just another irrelevant assertion, as the "crime doesn't pay" one, but at the opposite end of the essay.
    Last edited by Raymott; 14-Nov-2008 at 05:23.

  7. #7
    jamilakn is offline Junior Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Student or Learner
      • Native Language:
      • Urdu
      • Home Country:
      • Pakistan
      • Current Location:
      • Kuwait
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Posts
    37
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: please mark my essay

    Dear Raymott,
    How are you doing?.I have rewritten the essay .I know it is quite difficult for you to spare time .I am sending my essay .If you have some time please re-evaluate it.It will be appriciated.(About 275 words)

    Crime is a pursuit of the poor. Discuss.

    Crimes are committed by both rich and poor; however the motives could be different. People believe it’s always the poor who commit crimes but, sometimes it’s rich who are involved in crimes.

    It is believed by some that crimes are usually committed by poor. Some figures based on reports released by government departments, are presented to support this belief. Daily newspapers are full of crime news and most times the poor are arrested and sentenced. Those are the reasons some people tend towards this point of view.

    On the other hand those who refute that only poor are involved in crimes, argue that because of social disparity in societies, there are less opportunities for the poor to earn their livings legitimately. They are forced to carry out crimes to fulfill their basic needs for instance food and shelter. Poor are generally illiterate and sometime can’t judge about right or wrong while rich people understand all the consequences of good and bad. Rich people commit crimes out of greed as they already have all amenities of life, furthermore the crimes committed by rich are sophisticated and are difficult to prosecute because of perpetrator’s education and access to higher places. That argument has convinced a lot of people.

    After analyzing these points of view it is clear that the poor are not only crime seekers but rich too are involved in crimes. Governments should come ahead to address this problem and do something more to provide education and employment for all .It is worth mentioning that rich people because of their education and influence in society, however, have more responsibility just not to indulge themselves in crimes but also to prevent the poor from doing so.

  8. #8
    Raymott's Avatar
    Raymott is offline VIP Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Academic
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • Australia
      • Current Location:
      • Australia
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    Posts
    19,548
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: please mark my essay

    Quote Originally Posted by jamilakn View Post
    Dear Raymott,
    How are you doing?.I have rewritten the essay .I know it is quite difficult for you to spare time .I am sending my essay .If you have some time please re-evaluate it.It will be appriciated.(About 275 words)

    Crime is a pursuit of the poor. Discuss.

    Crimes are committed by both rich and poor; however the motives could be different. People believe itís always the poor who commit crimes but, sometimes itís rich who are involved in crimes.

    It is believed by some that crimes are usually committed by poor. Some figures based on reports released by government departments, are presented to support this belief. Daily newspapers are full of crime news and most times the poor are arrested and sentenced. Those are the reasons some people tend towards this point of view.

    On the other hand those who refute that only poor are involved in crimes, argue that because of social disparity in societies, there are less opportunities for the poor to earn their livings legitimately. They are forced to carry out crimes to fulfill their basic needs for instance food and shelter. Poor are generally illiterate and sometime canít judge about right or wrong while rich people understand all the consequences of good and bad. Rich people commit crimes out of greed as they already have all amenities of life, furthermore the crimes committed by rich are sophisticated and are difficult to prosecute because of perpetratorís education and access to higher places. That argument has convinced a lot of people.

    After analyzing these points of view it is clear that the poor are not only crime seekers but rich too are involved in crimes. Governments should come ahead to address this problem and do something more to provide education and employment for all .It is worth mentioning that rich people because of their education and influence in society, however, have more responsibility just not to indulge themselves in crimes but also to prevent the poor from doing so.
    Yes, it's a lot better now!

  9. #9
    jamilakn is offline Junior Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Student or Learner
      • Native Language:
      • Urdu
      • Home Country:
      • Pakistan
      • Current Location:
      • Kuwait
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Posts
    37
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: please mark my essay

    Thank you very much.How much I can score in IELTS?

  10. #10
    Raymott's Avatar
    Raymott is offline VIP Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Academic
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • Australia
      • Current Location:
      • Australia
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    Posts
    19,548
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: please mark my essay

    Quote Originally Posted by jamilakn View Post
    Thank you very much.How much I can score in IELTS?
    Not a clue, sorry. Maybe someone else can answer that.

Similar Threads

  1. mark off and mark out
    By jiang in forum Ask a Teacher
    Replies: 4
    Last Post: 16-Apr-2008, 14:43
  2. Will anyone please revise my college application essay?
    By inck243 in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 28-Oct-2006, 07:29
  3. Replies: 3
    Last Post: 14-Dec-2005, 06:09
  4. Help on 'Opininon Essay'
    By student2005 in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 18-Nov-2005, 03:25
  5. my essay tutorial
    By Dmitrij in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 6
    Last Post: 16-Sep-2005, 03:51

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •