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Thread: My story

  1. #1
    sorayaYASSINE is offline Newbie
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    Lightbulb My story

    Peace Be Upon You
    this is a short storry that I have written two years ago, tell me please what you think of it
    The Beggar
    By Soraya YASSINE

    She opened the big door to see a crowd of people gathered in small groups, they were all wearing suits just like uniforms, she looked in there faces but couldn’t distinguish any one of them, they were all strangers for her.
    “Dr. Faith, is that you?” said a voice coming from her back, she returned to see a tall handsome man smiling, she smiled back to him” how are you, Dr. George?” said Faith after shaking hands with him. “I’m fine, I’ve not seen you since…since graduation I think, you know you are the last person I imagined to see in this seminar, especially when some friends told me that you started your own work in your cabinet, isn’t it great to work in you own office without any boss?” “Well, without neither Boss nor patient!” she said timidly
    “I’m shocked, but you are a very talented psychologist!” “Thank you for saying that, in fact in small towns like mine people still believe that no one sees the psychologist unless he was crazy, so no one knocked the door of my consulting room since two months since the bid opening, thus I decided to come here, though I hate seminars, just to here some advices from the other doctors”

    It is ten o’clock PM, the meeting is over and Faith decided to walk to the Hotel, she was happy for having this experience and for meeting old friends particularly Dr. George, when she remembered him she couldn’t prevent the smile, she was flying without wings, but not for a wile since she heard a noise coming from the darkness, two small lights were moving towards her slowly.
    “who’s there she cried?” and from nowhere jumped a ghost just in front of her, he was the same beggar she saw that morning she could distinguish his bright eyes and dirty torn clothes, but this time he had a knife and continued moving towards her, Faith was speechless, when he reached her he fell on his knees.

    “Please Miss here is my knife, put it in my heart and let me die peacefully, please kill me and I will never forget your favor” said the beggar and there were tears in his eyes. At that time Faith recovered from her dark thoughts so she took the knife from his hand and throw it away and said to him “I’m the last person who can kill, I’m a doctor” “I know I’ve seen you with the other doctors, and I’ve chosen you since you doctors are heartless!” she smiled to him and took a handkerchief from her bag and wiped his tears “I believe that you have a story to tell me, why don’t you come to my clinic tomorrow and I will here you, and if you deserve to be killed I promise to kill you without mercy!” “Here is some money for the bus ticket, and here is my address, I’ll be waiting for you”

    The next day Faith went to work as usual, she waited for her first patient, but the time passed and no one came, at last someone knocked the door, it was the beggar, she gave him the chair, he didn’t wait for her questions and started to tell his story

    “Many years ago, I was a happy man, I worked in my own business I earned lot of money, and I was married to my high school sweetheart, we lived lovely five years together without any big problems, in simple words we were the perfect couple. One day there was a circus in the village so we decided to spend the day there, in an isolate place we remarked a tent, we went to discover it, there was a witch sitting on her chair, my wife was afraid and asked me to return back home but I refused, I wish I had not, anyway, we sat in front of her and she started talking, she knew our names and even details in our personal life, thus I asked her about my work what should I do in some affairs and she answered me, and she was right in all what she had said, from that time I started visiting her every Sunday, just to know her opinions and advices, and problems began when my wife knew that; so she asked me several times to not see that witch again, particularly when my wife became pregnant, but I couldn’t since it became an addiction to me and I couldn’t stop it.
    One Sunday we had the biggest fight ever, I was desperate, I went to see that witch for the last time but I didn’t tell my wife that it will be the last time for I was afraid she is not going to believe me, when I told the witch that I will never come to see her again, she became very angry and mumbled with dissolute words, her eyes turned red and she cursed me “Go, you will live in misery for the rest of your life and your sun of your own blood will kill you” when I returned back home my wife was gone she left me a note saying “don’t bother your self you will never find us, I want to raise my sun in a healthy environment” after that I have lost all my money and my mind too.


    I spend many years in the asylum till last month when they decided that I’m not aggressive so they allowed me to go in my way.
    Now I’m without home or job and I’m afraid that my sun will kill me!”

    “Oh my Goodness, it is the most interesting story I’ve ever heard, now I can imagine why you have chosen a girl, me to kill you, but don’t you ever think that your wife might have given birth a girl not a sun, or might have miscarried?” asked Faith, but he looked at her like if he had not heard what she said “Never mind” she added “the first thing we have to do is to give you a place where to sleep, and a job…you know I have an idea, I need someone to help me here and you will be that one, you work during the day and I’ll let you sleep here at night, do you agree?” the beggar nodded without spelling a word.

    The next day Faith started the psychotherapy with her first patient, she convinced him to carry on his life, and after two months he became almost normal, so she organized a meeting between him and her father, her father was always besides her he loved her so much so he did what she asked him to do, and became friend with the beggar.

    One day the beggar came to her he was so happy, he met a woman and they decided to marry, he found also a job in the soap factory, and came to thank Faith for all what she had done to him.

    “Thank you Dr. Faith I can see that you are going to be a very famous Dr”
    ”You become a sorcerer yourself and you can predict the too don’t you?” said Faith, so they both laughed.

    After that she went up stairs like every time she was happy, she sat on the corner of the terrace in the fifth flour, from that place she could see every single person in the neighborhood, she thought about her patient how she met him, and how she could help him, but the rain started to fall as a result she had to return back home, but her foot slips and she fell and hit a stone besides her and the stone fell in the other side, after a moment she heard a scream thus she descended downstairs there was a crowd of people and a body lied on the street in a lake of blood, the stone she dropped hit a man in his had, that man is no one but the beggar, at the hospital her parents came and her mother recognized the beggar to be Faith’s father.

  2. #2
    supada is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: My story

    Hello,

    I like your story. Since I am not a teacher, I won't mention anything in regards to English structure.

    I am the one who loves to write but not English... for sure! I think you can extend your story. I feel like it is very short. It might be because you wrote it in English, right?

    You can add more plot points and character points into it so it could be more mysterious. You're gonna be the next Agatha Christie!

  3. #3
    thedaffodils's Avatar
    thedaffodils is offline Key Member
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    Default Re: My story

    Hi!

    I am neither a teacher of English nor a native speaker. Here's my two cents for your reference.

    1. If a sentence is finished, you should end with a period but not end with a comma and start another new sentence. I think such a problem is called a run-on sentence in grammar.

    She opened the big door to see a crowd of people gathered in small groups, [period but not comma] they were all wearing suits just like uniforms, [period but not comma] she looked in there faces but couldn’t distinguish any one of them,[period but not comma] they were all strangers for her.
    If you have to connect them, you have to add some conjunctions, such as "and", "but", "though", etc.

    2.
    “I’m shocked, but you are a very talented psychologist!” “Thank you for saying that, in fact in small towns like mine people still believe that no one sees the psychologist unless he was crazy[ This is not a medical term, and I don't think a professional doctor would use it to refer to someone who has mental illness], so no one knocked the door of my consulting room since two months since the bid opening, thus I decided to come here, though I hate seminars, just to here some advices from the other doctors”


    3. Errors about the tense

    It is ten o’clock PM, the meeting is over and Faith decided to walk to the Hotel, she was happy for having this experience and for meeting old friends particularly Dr. George,
    4. Typo
    Now I’m without home or job and I’m afraid that my sun [son] will kill me!”
    5
    “Thank you, [add a comma] Dr. Faith. [Add a period] I can see that you are going to be a very famous Dr


    I think Dr. is usually used a title, eg. Dr Smith, and you should use "doctor" here as you referred to his profession.

    6.
    It is ten o’clock PM,


    (1) It was 10 pm.

    OR
    (2) It was ten O'clock in the afternoon.

    7.
    at the hospital her parents came and her mother recognized the beggar to be Faith’s father.


    Her mother found out that the beggar was Faith's father.

    P.S. Here's the definition about run-on sentences for your reference.

    A run-on sentence is a sentence in which two or more independent clauses (that is, complete sentences) are joined with no punctuation or conjunction. It is generally considered to be a grammatical error. Some grammarians also include a comma splice, in which two independent clauses are joined with a comma, as a type of run-on sentence,[1] while others exclude comma splices from the definition of a run-on sentence.[2][3]
    Source: Wikipedia
    Run-on sentence - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
    Last edited by thedaffodils; 22-Nov-2008 at 10:51.

  4. #4
    supada is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: My story

    Quote Originally Posted by supada View Post
    Hello,

    You're gonna be the next Agatha Christie!
    Something came across my mind.

    I should say, 'You're gonna be the next Guy de Maupassant!'

  5. #5
    Raymott's Avatar
    Raymott is offline VIP Member
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    Default Re: My story

    Quote Originally Posted by thedaffodils View Post
    Hi!

    I am neither a teacher of English nor a native speaker. Here's my two cents for your reference.
    Good points daffodils. Indeed, it needs extensive editing.

  6. #6
    thedaffodils's Avatar
    thedaffodils is offline Key Member
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    Default Re: My story

    Quote Originally Posted by Raymott View Post
    Good points daffodils. Indeed, it needs extensive editing.
    Thank you, Raymott.

  7. #7
    sorayaYASSINE is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: My story

    thank you so much, your comment was of a great help to me, I will take it into consideration, I promise.

  8. #8
    sorayaYASSINE is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: My story

    Your comment was helpful Sopada , but don't you think that the writing style of Agatha is totally different from Guy De Maupassant, despite the fact that he writes in French and she writes in English.
    I prefer being the next THOMAS HARDY but in my own way, do you think I will succeed one day?

  9. #9
    sara88 is offline Member
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    Default Re: My story

    A nice one, bravo Soraya!
    I can pick up some mistakes like you put here instead of hear and sun instead of son.
    All the best
    sara

  10. #10
    supada is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: My story

    Quote Originally Posted by sorayaYASSINE View Post
    Your comment was helpful Sopada , but don't you think that the writing style of Agatha is totally different from Guy De Maupassant, despite the fact that he writes in French and she writes in English.
    I prefer being the next THOMAS HARDY but in my own way, do you think I will succeed one day?
    I wish you could be the next Thomas Hardy. Keep walking!

    Don't forget to post your story to share with us. I couldn't comment on grammar thing but I can share my opinion on your story.

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