First, I think you have at least three paragraphs there. Try to look at changes in topic, and break them. It is possible to have very long paragraphs, but the tendency today, with shorter attention spans, and with narrow columns in newspapers, is to be more generous with paragraph breaks than writers were 50 years ago.
Second, please look at all the sentences that begin with "But". You can do this once, maybe, for special effect, but it is generally frowned on, and certainly when it happens this often. But and And are conjunctions, typically connecting two independent sentences with a "... , but ...." or " ... , and ... " construction. Some writers will start a sentence with But or And, but it will almost always be a very short one, just for emphasis. And I agree. But only once.
May I suggest you try a little modification based on these suggestions and we can look at it again?
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