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  1. #1
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    Default please proofread my paragraph

    I wrote this paragraph with some words I have just learned. Your proofreading is very much appreciated.

    The new leader vowed to dismantle the tower where a shooting rampage took place by terrorists in 1989. But his plan was being opposed by the public in the belief that the dismantling was a gesture of submission to terrorism and its stay showed that terrorism couldn't change their country. But the leader didn't backpedal. Instead, he argued that the building would conjure up memories of that tragedy, especially the family members of victims and many who suffered psychological wounds by that incident. To try to persuade the public, he splashed out on advertisements and campaigns touting the benefits of removing the tower, such as taking out full-page newspaper ads for 16 straight days and featuring several influential celebrities in the TV ads. But his determination sparked widespread speculation. Some believed he wanted to clear the land for property developers as a reward for their endorsment in the previous election. The tower, built on the 500 acres land next to the advanced transportation hub, was said to have the highest land price in the country. So, it was easy to understand why the leader employed all means to ensure the destruction ran smoothly.

  2. #2
    jlinger is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: please proofread my paragraph

    First, I think you have at least three paragraphs there. Try to look at changes in topic, and break them. It is possible to have very long paragraphs, but the tendency today, with shorter attention spans, and with narrow columns in newspapers, is to be more generous with paragraph breaks than writers were 50 years ago.

    Second, please look at all the sentences that begin with "But". You can do this once, maybe, for special effect, but it is generally frowned on, and certainly when it happens this often. But and And are conjunctions, typically connecting two independent sentences with a "... , but ...." or " ... , and ... " construction. Some writers will start a sentence with But or And, but it will almost always be a very short one, just for emphasis. And I agree. But only once.

    May I suggest you try a little modification based on these suggestions and we can look at it again?

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