Results 1 to 4 of 4
  1. #1
    Tan Elaine is offline Key Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Student or Learner
      • Native Language:
      • British English
      • Home Country:
      • Hong Kong
      • Current Location:
      • Hong Kong
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    Posts
    2,020
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default short story for correction

    Hi fellow members

    Could any member/s go through this short story and point out any errors and how I can improve the story.

    Many thanks in advance.

    One day, the wind said to the clouds, Im stronger than you. I can puff the trees and the houses down.

    The clouds retorted, Were stronger than you. Without us, the earth will be dry.

    OK, said the wind. Lets see who will destroy more parts of the earth.

    I accept the challenge, said the clouds.

    The wind huffed and puffed and destroyed many parts of the earth. In the meantime, the clouds were nowhere in sight. The earth slowly dried up.

    The battle between the clouds and the wind came to an end. There was no winner because the whole earth was ruined. The loser was the earth.

  2. #2
    pyoung is offline Senior Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • English Teacher
      • Native Language:
      • American English
      • Home Country:
      • United States
      • Current Location:
      • United States
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Posts
    909
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: short story for correction

    Dear Elaine:
    I enjoyed reading your story. Thank you for sharing it. Here are a few suggestions:
    Quote Originally Posted by Tan Elaine View Post
    Hi fellow members

    Could any member/s go through this short story and point out any errors and how I can improve the story.

    Many thanks in advance.

    One day, the wind said to the clouds, Im stronger than you. I can puff(a stronger verb would be good here, for example: blow the trees and the houses down.

    The clouds retorted, Were stronger than you. Without us, the earth will would be dry.

    OK, said the wind. Lets see who (will) (or: can) destroy more parts of the earth.

    We accept the challenge, said the clouds.

    The wind (huffed and puffed) (huffed and puffed is a phrase very familiar to English speakers, because it is what the Big Bad Wolf does to the Little Pigs' houses in a story for young children. So, again, stronger verbs would be good. Possibilities: raged, tore at the houses, blasted the tress, howled, shrieked, etc.) and destroyed many parts of the earth. In the meantime, the clouds were nowhere in sight. The earth slowly dried up.

    The battle between the clouds and the wind came to an end. There was no winner because the whole earth was ruined. The loser was the earth.
    I have a question: You have described the wind's part of the competition. The clouds are 'nowhere in sight.' Is this how they compete? By withholding the rain, and thereby, causing drought? I think the story might be improved by having the clouds' role more clearly described.

    Again, thank you for sharing your story!
    Best wishes,
    Petra

  3. #3
    Tan Elaine is offline Key Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Student or Learner
      • Native Language:
      • British English
      • Home Country:
      • Hong Kong
      • Current Location:
      • Hong Kong
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    Posts
    2,020
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: short story for correction

    Many thanks, Pyoung, for the constructive comments.

    You're right. I missed out the clouds' part in the competition. Your suggestion that they withheld the rain and causied a drought makes the story more interesting.

    I'm glad that you've gone through the story thoroughly.

  4. #4
    Tan Elaine is offline Key Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Student or Learner
      • Native Language:
      • British English
      • Home Country:
      • Hong Kong
      • Current Location:
      • Hong Kong
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    Posts
    2,020
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: short story for correction

    Hi everybody

    Could any member/s please correct any errors in this text? Pyong has commented that I had not written about the clouds' part in the competition with the wind.

    Many thanks in advance for your help.

    The wind howled and destroyed many parts of the earth. In the meantime, the clouds were nowhere in sight. As a result, there was no rain and drought caused all the crops and many animals to die. Even the people were not spared. Many died because there was not enough food and water. Consequently, the earth slowly dried up.

Similar Threads

  1. Please help me with this! :)
    By Calle in forum Ask a Teacher
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: 06-Oct-2009, 11:39
  2. [General] I have a problem in analysing short story. Help me !
    By tony0105033 in forum Ask a Teacher
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 09-Sep-2008, 13:10
  3. Short story vs narrative essay
    By shuja87 in forum Ask a Teacher
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 25-May-2007, 20:14
  4. suggestions for improvement short story
    By student2005 in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 5
    Last Post: 06-Mar-2006, 05:50

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
Hotchalk