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  1. #1
    Viny is offline Newbie
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    Default Just need to improve my writing

    Hello, dear everyone, this is my recent writing. It is just a topic from IELTS, so don’t concern too much about the content, but please help me check the mistakes and teach me how to make sentence better. I really appreciate that.

    Parents shouldn’t control children’s time

    It is obvious that more and more people in the world start to highly value of their children’s pre-education. Most of parents realized a successful education is not finished children’s school works only, but also use their leisure time effectively. In that case, an efficient and reasonable schedule is required. However, a plenty of parents believe that minors are simple and playful, and their horizontal are not broaden enough to see their future clearly. They prefer to partially made plans that follow their own will, rather than let children plan their own times themselves. As far as I can see, this is inacceptable.

    Parents, as the guardian of children, have the compelling obligation to take care of them. Planning all their spare time for them seems responsible, but actually deprived their rights of choosing own life, and makes them feel passionless and indifference. As an analogy, if the whole life is a long yarn, and it has already being spun neatly by workers, then it is meaningless to routinely draw the rest out. It is cruel and unfair that subjectively let children live in a life that they didn’t chose.

    There is also a serious situation, that children may contradict their parents’ plan because of their dislike. Although, seniority always want to give posterity what they believe is the best, if there is a contradiction that posterity have different opinion, normally, it will be neglected without any concession. Operationalism, as it is commonly referred to, which of a great harm to family relationship and children’s future. It could easily lead them to a passive attitude, and even worse, an extreme resistance. That’s the reason why there is an increasing rate of children’s elopement in recent years.

    For children themselves, they also have their ability to plan their times well. One of the most essential reasons for parents who mistrust children’s plans is that they mistrust children’s ability. Frankly, minors can hardly control or set their times efficiently and accurately like adults. However, it is a good way to foster their capability of getting life organized. Sometimes parents can give them advise and opinions, and help them make their plans more reasonable. In that way, not only children can achieve a suitable plan for their life, but also parents will rest assured of them.

    To draw a conclusion, parents should clear their role in children’s growth, to act as a guide rather than a mandator. Only by giving enough private space, they can grow up strongly and healthily.

  2. #2
    RonBee's Avatar
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    Default Re: Just need to improve my writing

    Quote Originally Posted by Viny View Post
    Parents shouldn’t control their children’s time

    It is obvious that more and more people in the world start to highly value of their children’s pre-education.
    Everything is wrong with that sentence (the topic sentence). First, you start with It is obvious. Well, if something is obvious then you don't need to say it. Then "more and more people start to hightly value" doesn't make sense. Also, I don't know what pre-education is supposed to be.

    Decide what your topic is supposed to be. Then discuss that in your topic sentence.

    Read about fifty of the essays in this section. Then do a rewrite.



  3. #3
    Viny is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: Just need to improve my writing

    Quote Originally Posted by RonBee View Post
    Everything is wrong with that sentence (the topic sentence). First, you start with It is obvious. Well, if something is obvious then you don't need to say it. Then "more and more people start to hightly value" doesn't make sense. Also, I don't know what pre-education is supposed to be.

    Decide what your topic is supposed to be. Then discuss that in your topic sentence.

    Read about fifty of the essays in this section. Then do a rewrite.


    Thank you, you are strict. That’s good, cos I can learn more from you..
    Something doesn’t understand:
    Actually it isn't a topic sentence, I just try to put an phenomenon in the first paragraph, than analyze or comment it. I use obvious, cos it is a common phenomenon that everyone knows, just use it to lead my topic.
    Something is wrong:
    I checked that sentence from a dictionary, but if they didn't make any sense to a native speaker, then they are totally wrong. How can I express "more people think it is important" in a formal way? Also, pre-education, there is no word like this that is a mistake.
    Please:
    There must be more mistakes, could you please help me? I just want to fully use of this resource.
    Fifty essays? That's a lot of work to do, but can you just recommend me some essays? I just want to make should they are worth reading.

  4. #4
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    Default Re: Just need to improve my writing

    Chiodren cannot see the future. Parents are wiser than their children and need to make decisions for them.


  5. #5
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    Default Re: Just need to improve my writing

    A child's education begins at birth. Indeed, the fetus learns to identify its mother's voice while it is still in the womb.







  6. #6
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    Default Re: Just need to improve my writing

    Any student can improve his writing, if he really want to do it. You should have self-confidence to improve your writing before you start to do it in your action. when you are sure that you want to improve your writing, start to put it in your action.

    1- Reading is the first key way to improve your vocabularies, because you could not write without a breadth of vocabularies. it's very important do that.

    2- Use each new word in a sentence, in a conversation, and conserve it in your mind.

    3- Use each new word in its varies meaning, because in English perhaps one word has a lot of meaning.

    4- Try to improve your expression, to be able to reach your thoughts till to native speakers. When the native speaker understand your expression, sure that you're near of them.

    5- Try to take a pen, in all opportunity, because to writing is the main objective in this period which you practice.

    6- Grammar, linguistics, and Reading. is main basis which you should concontrate. to avoid dropping in a lot of mistakes.

    7- If you do what you should do, sure that your writing will be skill, important, and good.

    Good luck in your Writing

  7. #7
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    Default Re: Just need to improve my writing

    I think that you should try reading over more essays and English literature to get a better grasp of formal writing. I was going to pick over your piece, but I as I like to provide descriptions and suggestions to the people who I edit for, I think this would have taken me too long. This is by all means not meant to be discouragement! Just continue reading other essays and the edits that have been made to them here on this website. Websites such as dictionary.com and thesaurus.com may also be useful for you to improve your vocabulary and grasp a better understanding of words and concepts.

    On second thought, I'll go over your piece paragraph by paragraph when time permits. Here is your first paragraph!

    It is obvious that more and more people in the world start to highly value of their children’s pre-education.


    I do not think that using 'it is obvious' is appropriate here. You are implying that everybody is aware of this trend as a global phenomenon, however I would argue against you that places where education is difficult to come by, pre-education of children isn't a major concern at the moment. I would recommed either generalizing this to a specific geographic area (eg. It is obvious that more and more North Americans...) or eliminate the 'it is obvious' entirely and start off with 'More and more...'.

    Next up, you need to pair 'start' with another word. Using 'start' without a subject implies movement, however 'to start' is nearly the same as saying 'to begin'. You are looking to say that a trend is beginning, and so you need to use the 'to start' form. One of the difficulties of this sentence is that you don't seem to be using a tense. Put this sentence in present tense and the problem is solved.

    Edited sentence: More and more people in the world are starting to highly value their childrens pre-education.

    Most of parents realized a successful education is not finished children’s school works only, but also use their leisure time effectively.
    You do not need to use 'of' here, as it is a preposition and your noun does not need to be modified. 'Most parents' is perfectly acceptable.

    Keeping with the tense set out in the first sentence, the tense of this sentence also needs to be changed to present tense.

    You are missing a word between 'finished' and 'children's'. Currently your statement reads as though you are saying children's school work which is finished only. It doesn't make sense does it? You mean to say here that 'successful education is not only finished in children's school work'. Furthermore, 'finished' is not appropriate here either. Successful education isn't finished in children's school work, but 'successful education is not only accomplished in children's school work'.

    '...but also their leisure time effectively.'. As you read that... ask yourself these questions and you should come to the same answer that I have.
    Who's leisure time? 'their leisure time'. What about their leisure time? 'effectively'. How is this effectively? ____. You have not connected 'effectively' to the rest of the sentence properly. Try inserting 'by using', and your problem is solved.
    Who's leisure time? 'their leisure time'. What about their leisure time? it is being used effectively!

    Edited sentence: Most parents realize that successful education is not only accomplished in children's school work, but also by using their leisure time effectively.

    In that case, an efficient and reasonable schedule is required.
    So what is that case? Where is this, in another paper?
    So what is this case? Oh, you mean what we are talking about in this paper!

    Do you understand the difference? By using 'In that case' you seem to imply that the case which you are talking about is not found here, but found someplace else. If you were to modify this to 'In this case' it is absolutely 100% clear that you are talking about the topics of that (I mean this) paper.

    Edited sentence: In this case, an efficient and reasonable schedule is required.

    However, a plenty of parents believe that minors are simple and playful, and their horizontal are not broaden enough to see their future clearly.
    The word 'however' should never be used to start a sentence! I'll emphasize this now, NEVER.
    Instead, 'however' should be used to link ideas within the same sentence. As a result, 'however' would appear as follows; ..., however,....
    In face, you don't even need to use 'however' anywhere within this sentence. This sentence is nearly perfect as is, with the exception of the useage of the word horizontal.

    hor-i-zon-tal (noun)
    1. At right angles to the vertical; parallel to level ground.
    2. Flat or level: a horizontal position.
    3.
    Being in a prone or supine position; recumbent.

    (Definitions taken from dictionary.com)

    Do you see how the use of 'horizontal' makes no sense in this sentence? Horizontal describes a physical position, not a capacity for thought or decision.

    Edited sentence: Plenty of parents believe that minors are simple and playful, and that their thoughts are not broad enough to see their future clearly.

    They prefer to partially made plans that follow their own will, rather than let children plan their own times themselves. As far as I can see, this is inacceptable.
    It's getting late, and I'm getting really tired, so I'll get right to the point and provide an edited version of this pair of sentences.

    Edited sentences: Parents prefer partially made plans which follow thier own will, rather than let children plan ther own time themselves. As far as I can see, this is unacceptable.
    Last edited by SeseinAsia; 31-Dec-2008 at 05:30.

  8. #8
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    Default Re: Just need to improve my writing

    The OP needs to define pre-education (if that is possible). My point in an earlier post was that there is no particular point at which education begins, so to speak of pre-education is pointless.

    The most important thing the writer needs to focus on is clarity.


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    Default Re: Just need to improve my writing

    Quote Originally Posted by RonBee View Post
    The OP needs to define pre-education (if that is possible). My point in an earlier post was that there is no particular point at which education begins, so to speak of pre-education is pointless.

    The most important thing the writer needs to focus on is clarity.

    I also agree that this is a very valid point!
    It is important to define unfamiliar items or concepts when writing essays.

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    Default Re: Just need to improve my writing

    Argumentative Essays:
    Read three or four (or five or six) of Mr. Sowell's columns and you might get the idea of how to do it.



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