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    • Join Date: Dec 2008
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    #1

    Help with this paragraph

    Hi, I'm new in this forum, and I'm learning english. I'll appreciate if anyone can review my grammar and meaning of this text, thank you.

    Material on the Internet should be censored or controlled to protect the public.
    In my opinion, material on internet should be censored or controlled because many of this information go around without any kind of control. For example, sometimes this informational content has explicit publicity about sexual or illegal themes. Nowadays, a considerable number of children or teenagers have access and surf the Internet, and many times this explicit publicity is easy to find on various web sites. Therefore, it is necessary to control and censor undesirable explicit material that could be injurious to our sons.

    NOTE: In no way this paragraph express my real thought, it is just a test if I would have been in agreement with the topic.


    • Join Date: Oct 2008
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    #2

    Re: Help with this paragraph

    I'll give a shot at it for you. Please remember that I am not a teacher by any means, but I am a university student.

    In my opinion, material on internet should be censored or controlled because many of this information go around without any kind of control.
    This sentence reads wrong to me because I do not think that you can count information. Buy using the word 'many', it needs to be assumed that the subject in question is able to be counted. In this situation I believe that you should be using the word 'much'. You will also need to change the word 'go' to 'goes', or 'can go'. I prefer 'can go' because it allows for the flexibility of potential.

    For example, sometimes this informational content has explicit publicity about sexual or illegal themes.
    Although 'informational content' is technically a correct statement (adj. informational, n. content), I believe that it is a rather awkward way of putting things. To be quite honest, I've never even come across the word 'informational' before, and I had trouble finding it in dictionaries. You could leave this as is, but my personal preference would be to simply use 'some internet content'. The reason why I substituted 'sometimes' with 'some' is because sometimes is used to reference time. The definition of sometimes is on occasion. I believe that to pair this word with internet content is incorrect because you would implying that one day the content is bad, other days it isn't. But it's not as though one day all of the pages on the internet are completely clean, so it's not a time issue, but an issue directly related to the content itself. Some content is good, some content is bad.

    Nowadays, a considerable number of children or teenagers have access and surf the Internet, and many times this explicit publicity is easy to find on various web sites.
    I believe that you should change 'or' to 'and'. Also change 'access' to 'access to'. Either that, or you could change the sentence to read '...teenagers access and surf the Internet...'. Again, I'm having a time issue with this sentence. Many times would imply that someone could go to the same website and 9 out of 10 times they would find an undesireable advertisment. You are attempting to generalize the entire internet, so I believe you should not be using time. Some pages never have such advertisements, and some pages always have such advertisements. As a result, I believe that you should use 'in many cases'.

    [/quote]
    Therefore, it is necessary to control and censor undesirable explicit material that could be injurious to our sons.[/quote]

    If you would like to avoid any sensitive gender inequality issues, you may want to consider changing 'sons' to simply 'children'. Also be careful, I believe that you mentioned that this was an introductory paragraph. Therefore is a concluding word, and you may be penalized for using such a strong word to end your introduction. I get the impression from this paragraph that you are allowed to write in first person, so maybe consider 'I believe it is necessary...'.

    Basically, with all of my suggestions, your paragraph would appear as such:

    In my opinion, material on internet should be censored or controlled because much of this information can go around without any kind of control. For example, sometimes internet content has explicit publicity about sexual or illegal themes. Nowadays, a considerable number of children and teenagers access and surf the Internet, and in many cases this explicit publicity is easy to find on various web sites. I believe it is necessary to control and censor undesirable explicit material that could be detrimental to our children.
    As an afterthought, I changed 'injurious' to 'detrimental', a decision purely based on familiarity.

    I hope this was helpful.


    • Join Date: Dec 2008
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    #3

    Re: Help with this paragraph

    Material on the Internet should be censored or controlled to protect the public.
    In my opinion, material on internet should be censored or controlled because much of this information circulates without any kind of control. For example, sometimes this informational content contains explicit sexual or illegal themes. Nowadays, a considerable number of children or teenagers have access to, and surf the Internet, and many times this explicit material is easy to find on various web sites. Therefore, it is necessary to control and censor undesirable explicit material which could be injurious to our sons.

    (just my version using some alternative wording)


    • Join Date: Dec 2008
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    #4

    Re: Help with this paragraph

    Thank you SeseinAsia and tspoon, your advices and corrections are helping me a lot.

    Greetings, doesxp.


    • Join Date: Oct 2008
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    #5

    Re: Help with this paragraph

    Not a problem, glad I was able to help out!

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