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Thread: need your help

  1. #1
    sio is offline Junior Member
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    Question need your help

    Dear teachers,

    Could you please review my essay. Thank you for your attention and help.



    My dad’s accident was a shocking event for my family. My mind was confused by a man, whom I call dad; he was paralysed. My family tried traditional Chinese medicine before taking him to the hospital, but it did not help much. I visited him every day, or at least three times a week. Whenever I closely watched him, he looked fine as if he was asleep. Furthermore, My mind was bothered with some questions. “Will he survive? How about if not. Will I play badminton again with him? Or will he teach me how to paint?” I should not have asked him to pick me up. I kept my feelings bottled up against this event, yet today tears heavily run over my cheek. This has developed my conclusion about life; however I am now starting to see myself in different terms.
    Last edited by sio; 08-Jan-2009 at 14:23.

  2. #2
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    RonBee is offline Moderator
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    Default Re: need your help

    How did it make you feel to see your dad in a hospital bed? How did it make you feel when he seemed not to be able to recognize you?



  3. #3
    RonBee's Avatar
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    Default Re: needs a title

    Has your dad recovered or is he still paralyzed?

    Try:
    My family tried traditional Chinese medicine before taking him to the hospital, but it did not help much.
    Thesaurus.com


  4. #4
    RonBee's Avatar
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    Default Re: need your help

    Quote Originally Posted by sio View Post
    My dad’s accident was a shocking event for my family. My mind was confused by a man, whom I call dad; he was paralysed. My family tried traditional Chinese medicine before taking him to the hospital, but it did not help much. I visited him every day, or at least three times a week. Whenever I closely watched him, he looked fine as if he was asleep. Furthermore, My mind was bothered with some questions. “Will he survive? How about if not. Will I play badminton again with him? Or will he teach me how to paint?” I should not have asked him to pick me up. I kept my feelings bottled up against this event, yet today tears heavily run over my cheek. This has developed my conclusion about life; however I am now starting to see myself in different terms.
    That paragraph is all over the place. You need to choose a theme and stick with it. Perhaps:
    As I watched my father lying there in the hospital bed I felt numb. I didn't know what to do. I felt guilty.
    Re:
    Whenever I closely watched him, he looked fine as if he was asleep. Furthermore, My mind was bothered with some questions. “Will he survive? How about if not. Will I play badminton again with him? Or will he teach me how to paint?”
    When you use "furthermore" that means you are continuing with the same line of thought, but that is not the case here.

    (Please don't make any more changes in the original.)



  5. #5
    RonBee's Avatar
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    Default Re: need your help

    Perhaps:
    I was assailed with questions:
    Would he survive? Would he be able to play badminton with me again? Would he be able to teach me to paint?


  6. #6
    RonBee's Avatar
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    Default Re: need your help

    You are trying to cram too much into one paragraph. Pick a theme and stick to it.

    I refer to your reply. What does 'Re:' mean ? Re: Regarding/topic?
    in the case of; with reference to


    www.dictionary.com


  7. #7
    RonBee's Avatar
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    Default needs a title

    Read some of Dr. Jahmsid's posts in this section to get a better idea about how to write paragraphs.



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