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  1. #1
    hani1989 is offline Newbie
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    Exclamation Personal Statement editing

    Hey,

    I'm applying to a scholarship program, and they need a personal statement with the following criteria:
    ESSAY: Personal Statement
    350 500 words, typed on separate sheets of paper attached to application.
    Provide a clear and detailed description of:

    • Yourself in terms of interests and personality,
    • Your academic objectives,
    • Your goals in terms of your field of study and personal development, and
    • The reasons why you wish to pursue them in the U.S.A. and type of program you hope to pursue and how it relates to your interests and future objectives.

    I wrote it, but I just want someone to edit any errors I've done and suggest changes to the statement. FYI, I'm applying for Electrical engineering.

    Here my ps:

    As a child, driven by an unnatural curiosity, I was often damaging some electronic devices by knocking them down and failing to reassemble just for finding out what they contained or how they worked. I once tried to open a scientific calculator with a screwdriver, and looked at the structure inside. I had no idea about how the system worked of course, but I was fascinated by how the graphite-like substance on the tiny piece of plastic did the difficult calculations in an instant.
    My parents brought me my first computer when I was eight. At that time, only few knew how to use it and no one had time to teach me, so I had to learn on my own. As I was discovering more about computer software and hardware from books, articles, forums and research, my interest in them was increasing and computers have soon became my passion.
    Engineering has had a profound effect on the way we live and in shaping the world we know today. I am intrigued by all aspects of the subject ranging from the utilization of scientific knowledge to solving practical problems through environmental and economic considerations.
    Throughout my education I have participated in a range of initiatives and activities, along with assuming many positions of responsibility. My experiences developed my interpersonal skills and provided me with an ambition to achieve in all that I do. I feel that I am hard working, responsible, ambitious, enthusiastic but most of all friendly, sociable and highly self-motivated. I am ready to share my experiences and learn from others. My communication skills have been put to the test during my experiences and I have proved many times that I am a team player. I believe that success as an engineer in a modern society requires a combination of management, communication and business skills. Therefore, with my previous experiences, focused attitude and will for success, I have the ability and motivation to meet the demands of studying at degree level. I feel confident that I will make contributions to university life.
    As hobbies, I like watching movies, reading literature and history, swimming, listening to music, discovering new things about different cultures, and socializing.
    I have always dreamed to study in US because I admire people's mentality and nature, the education given to students, the living standards and I am fascinated by its history and its language. It would represent a great opportunity for me to discover a new culture and mentality and to live in a multicultural environment. I wish my qualities, skills and achievements make me a good candidate for your scholarship program and help me fulfill my dream.
    Thanks a lot for your time,
    Hani

  2. #2
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    Re: Personal Statement editing

    I am not a teacher, but a university student.
    This is my edited version of your essay!

    As a child I was driven by an unnatural curiosity. I was often found damaging electronic devices by knocking them down, and failing to reassemble them, just to find out what they contained or how they worked. I once opened a scientific calculator with a screwdriver, and looked at the structure inside. I had no idea about how the system worked of course, but I was fascinated by how the graphite-like substance on the tiny piece of plastic did the difficult calculations in an instant.
    My parents bought me my first computer when I was eight. At that time, few people knew how to use it, and no one had time to teach me, so I had to learn on my own. As I discovered more about computer software and hardware from books, articles, forums and research, my interest in them increased and computers soon became my passion.
    Engineering has had a profound effect on the way we live and in shaping the world we know today. I am intrigued by all aspects of the subject ranging from the utilization of scientific knowledge, to solving practical problems through environmental and economic considerations.
    Throughout my education I have participated in a range of initiatives and activities, along with assuming many positions of responsibility. My experiences developed my interpersonal skills and provided me with an ambition to achieve all that I do. I feel that I am hard working, responsible, ambitious, enthusiastic but most of all friendly, sociable and highly self-motivated. I am ready to share my experiences and learn from others. My communication skills have been put to the test during my experiences, and I have proved many times that I am a team player. I believe that success as an engineer in a modern society requires a combination of management, communication, and business skills. Therefore, with my previous experiences, focused attitude, and will for success, I have the ability and motivation to meet the demands of studying at degree level. I feel confident that I will make contributions to university life.
    As hobbies, I like watching movies, reading literature and history, swimming, listening to music, discovering new things about different cultures, and socializing.
    I have always dreamed to study in US because I admire people's mentality and nature, the education given to students, the living standards and I am fascinated by its history and its language. It would represent a great opportunity for me to discover a new culture and mentality and to live in a multicultural environment. I wish my qualities, skills and achievements make me a good candidate for your scholarship program and help me fulfill my dream.


    I have maybe one suggestion for you:
    ...studying at degree level

    Maybe you could try being a little more specific here. For example, if you are applying for the undergraduate degree level, say 'studing at the undergraduate degree level'. If you are studying at the Masters or PhD level, substitute accordingly.

    I hope I've been helpful!

  3. #3
    hani1989 is offline Newbie
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    Re: Personal Statement editing

    thanks a lot, you've made decent changes! I've added "studying at undergraduate degree level". If anyone has any additional changes to the personal statement, please don't hesitate to post them.

  4. #4
    hani1989 is offline Newbie
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    Re: Personal Statement editing

    i'm going to submit the ps in two days, do you think it has no mistakes?

  5. #5
    RonBee's Avatar
    RonBee is offline Moderator
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    Re: Personal Statement editing

    Perhaps:
    As a child, driven by an unnatural curiosity, I was often damaging electronic devices by taking them apart. (Unfortunately, taking them apart was always easier than putting them back together.)
    You might not want to make the statement one long paragraph.





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