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  1. #1
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    I am trying to improve my writting please check my writing!!!!

    I am appearing for English exam soon and found one essay written by one of the English teacher. I was bit unsatisfied with the way teacher has written introduction part of the essay so I wrote it on my own way. Could you please check and let me know which is better introduction and if still any thing I am missing in my introduction.

    [Question]
    Successful sports professionals can earn a great deal more money than people in other important professions. Some people think this is fully justified while others think it is unfair.

    [Written by me]
    Sports always grab huge attention of people, Due to the media popularity of the sports and
    professionals is getting more higher. Good players are getting paid more not only for their
    performance but also for becoming attraction of publics. Some people believe that sports
    professionals should not get higher salary compare to professional who belongs to other profession
    whereas others thinks in other way. In following paragraph I am going to analyze about this.

    [Written by IELTS examiner]
    As a result of constant media attention, sports professionals in my country have become stars celebrities,
    and those at the top are paid huge salaries. Just like movie stars, they live extravagant lifestyles
    with huge houses and cars.

  2. #2
    susiedqq is offline Key Member
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    Re: I am trying to improve my writting please check my writing!!!!

    Professional sports grabs huge attention from people. Thus, there is much media popularity of sports and their professional players often earn high salaries. Good players are getting paid huge amounts of money not only for their performance but also because they attract the public to the games. Some people believe that sports professionals should not get a higher salary compared to other professionals. Others think that sports professionals deserve these huge salaries. In the following paragraph, I will analyze this issue.

  3. #3
    RonBee's Avatar
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    Re: I am trying to improve my writting please check my writing!!!!

    If you are going to write about economics issues you might want to know a little about supply and demand. Or do you just want to voice your opinion about whether certain people should be getting paid what they are getting paid?


  4. #4
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    Re: I am trying to improve my writting please check my writing!!!!

    Say:
    Please check my writing.

  5. #5
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    Re: I am trying to improve my writting please check my writing!!!!

    Quote Originally Posted by RonBee View Post
    Say:
    Please check my writing.
    As in my first post i have posted Introduction written by me and a teacher so could you please tell me should i follow the way i am doing or the teacher has written for the essay. Please help me out.

  6. #6
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    Re: I am trying to improve my writting please check my writing!!!!

    I didn't say exactly what I was supposed to say? (The teacher did a better job than you did, so maybe you should start with that and see how you can improve on it rather than writing something entirely different.)





  7. #7
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    please check my writing!!!!

    Quote Originally Posted by RonBee View Post
    I didn't say exactly what I was supposed to say? (The teacher did a better job than you did, so maybe you should start with that and see how you can improve on it rather than writing something entirely different.)




    Actually, I found that writing on the Internet it's says that its written by some professional may be a teacher i guess. But his introduction does not cover all the requirement as Introduction paragraph should cover. That is the reason why i am not satisfied. So please let me know what do you think?


    Again,

    [Question]
    Successful sports professionals can earn a great deal more money than people in other important professions. Some people think this is fully justified while others think it is unfair.

    [Written by me]
    Sports always grab huge attention of people, Due to the media popularity of the sports and
    professionals is getting more higher. Good players are getting paid more not only for their
    performance but also for becoming attraction of publics. Some people believe that sports
    professionals should not get higher salary compare to professional who belongs to other profession
    whereas others thinks in other way. In following paragraph I am going to analyze about this.

    [Written by IELTS examiner]
    As a result of constant media attention, sports professionals in my country have become stars celebrities,
    and those at the top are paid huge salaries. Just like movie stars, they live extravagant lifestyles
    with huge houses and cars.

  8. #8
    RonBee's Avatar
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    Re: please check my writing!!!!

    Quote Originally Posted by Sun751 View Post
    Actually, I found that writing on the Internet it's says that its written by some professional may be a teacher i guess. But his introduction does not cover all the requirement as Introduction paragraph should cover. That is the reason why I am not satisfied. So please let me know what do you think.

  9. #9
    RonBee's Avatar
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    Re: please check my writing!!!!

    Quote Originally Posted by Sun751 View Post

    Sports always grab huge attention of people, Due to the media popularity of the sports and
    professionals is getting more higher. Good players are getting paid more not only for their
    performance but also for becoming attraction of publics. Some people believe that sports
    professionals should not get higher salary compare to professional who belongs to other profession
    whereas others thinks in other way.
    In the following paragraph I am going to discuss this issue.

  10. #10
    RonBee's Avatar
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    Re: please check my writing!!!!

    Quote Originally Posted by Sun751 View Post
    As a result of constant media attention, sports professionals in my country have become stars celebrities,
    and those at the top are paid huge salaries. Just like movie stars, they live extravagant lifestyles
    with huge houses and expensive cars.

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