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  1. #1
    jrez133 is offline Newbie
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    Default I need major help fixing my college essay,due tomorow!, any help?

    Here is my original essay....


    "Don't let your dreams be dreams" are powerful words to live by if you plan to be successful. Written by my favorite acoustic artist, Jack Johnson's lyrics are genuinely deep and motivate me to try my best. Whether it is in academics, work, sports, or leadership roles, I believe that everyone needs a driving force behind the goals they plan to achieve. But what makes me stand out from the sea of seniors that are trying to find their niche in their dream college? It is my diversity, and through the courses I have participated in during my high school career, I learned that teaming up with an array of dissimilar individuals we can achieve more.
    As a Latino, I am relentlessly reminded by my peers that the only occupation a Mexican can get is to mow yards or clean houses. However, living in The Woodlands, Texas, a predominantly white community, has taught me to be thankful of my culture. The National Hispanic Institute opened my eyes to the less fortunate Latinos in the greater Houston area. I had the opportunity to debate, learn, and teach with teenagers that had to work to help with their family’s economic situation. All of us took important leadership roles pertaining to mentoring young and aspiring Latinos to achieve something greater than what was previously set in place for them. I pride myself for the skills that NHI has taught me, such as grand speaking skills, immense confidence, and the aptitude to handle any task barricading me from my goals. I owe a lot to NHI for everything, and the best “thank you” I can give them is to receive a fulfilling education at an outstanding university.
    LEAD program at Tuck Business School at Dartmouth was also a life changing experience. At LEAD, I lived with thirty minorities from all across America for three weeks of my summer and made lifelong friends that I still keep in touch with to this day. I discovered myself through a simple business plan competition where I found my passion for business when I took the leadership role of C.E.O. of my company. Three weeks at Dartmouth changed my career goals, and I believe that four and/or more years at CU will definitely change my life.
    I would enrich Colorado University’s inclusive and diverse community because I am a prospective entrepreneur. I want to create a business that will create more jobs (especially for college students) and hopefully stimulate the economy of my community. I hope to receive a fulfilling business education from CU Boulder, and I plan to take all the business courses CU has to offer to better prepare me for my future ahead. Although I am the first person of my entire family to enter the realms of American colleges, I can confidently say that I would be honored to start my chapter of higher education at Colorado University.

  2. #2
    English-coach's Avatar
    English-coach is offline Member
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    Smile Re: I need major help fixing my college essay,due tomorow!, any help?

    I'll proofread your eassy for you. I'm here to help. :)
    I hope my suggestions help you. (Try not to leave things till the night before...too stressful!!).

    Here is my original essay....


    "Don't let your dreams be dreams" are powerful words to live by if you plan to be successful. Written by my favorite acoustic artist, Jack Johnson; hislyrics are genuinely deep and motivate me to try my best. Whether it is in academics, work, sports, or leadership roles, I believe that everyone needs a driving force behind the goals they plan to achieve. So what makes me stand out from the sea of seniors that are trying to find their niche in their dream college? It is my diversity. Through the courses I have participated in during my high school career, I learned that by teaming up with an array of unique individuals, we can achieve so much more.
    As a Latino, I am relentlessly chastized by my peers regarding the only true occupation of a Mexican: mowing yards or cleaning houses. However, living in the predominantly white community of The Woodlands, Texas, has taught me to appreciate my culture. The National Hispanic Institute opened my eyes to the less fortunate Latinos in the greater Houston area. I had the opportunity to debate, learn, and teach with teenagers that had to work to help their family’s economic situation. All of us assumed important leadership roles pertaining to mentoring young and aspiring Latinos to achieve something greater than what was previously set in place for them. I pride myself for the skills that NHI has taught me, such as superior speaking skills, immense confidence, and the aptitude to handle any task positioned between myself and my goals. I owe a lot to NHI for everything they have instilled in me, and the best why to thank them is to gain a fulfilling education at an outstanding university.
    LEAD program at Tuck Business School at Dartmouth was also a life changing experience. At LEAD, I lived with thirty minorities from all across America for three weeks of my summer and made lifelong friends that I still keep in touch with, to this day. I discovered my passion for buisness myself during a simple business plan competition when I assumed the leadership role of C.E.O. of my company. Three weeks at Dartmouth changed my career goals dramatically, and I can only imagine the impact that four and/or more years at CU will have on my life.

    I would enrich Colorado University’s inclusive and diverse community because I am a prospective entrepreneur. I want to create a business that will create more jobs (especially for college students) and hopefully stimulate the economy of my community. I hope to receive a fulfilling business education from CU Boulder, and I plan to take all the business courses CU has to offer to better prepare myself for my future ahead. Although I am the first person of my entire family to enter the realms of American colleges, I can confidently say that I would be honored to start my chapter of higher education at Colorado University.

    WOW...very powerful. :) I only changed a couple things...take the suggestions or leave them. :) Good luck...I hope you get in!!!
    All the best!
    Diana

    Last edited by Anglika; 16-Jan-2009 at 01:12.

  3. #3
    jrez133 is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: I need major help fixing my college essay,due tomorow!, any help?

    I appreciate your help so much!
    But I realized yesterday that the due date isnt until Feb 15 haha
    Thanks again, the essay looks so much better

  4. #4
    English-coach's Avatar
    English-coach is offline Member
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    Default Re: I need major help fixing my college essay,due tomorow!, any help?

    That is great news! Let your essay sit for a couple of days and then go back and read it again. I am sure you will find a couple more things to improve and change. I am glad to help!

    Diana
    LEARN ENGLISH BY USING IT: ANSWERS & MOTIVATION FOR ANY ENGLISH LEARNER

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