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    #1

    Checking my essay for grammatical errors, punctuation mistakes, sentence construction

    I am applying in Ryerson to enroll in Business Management. I have to prepare one or two page document for choosing Business Management program based on the following:
    "outline the reasons you decided to apply for this program, as well as details and factors relevant to the review of your application"

    Finally, I composed an essay related to the above topic mentioned. Please proofread, check for grammatical errors, punctuation errors, etc and please leave your comment.

    I was spellbound by the business world ever since I was a teenager. On my way to school every morning, I noticed numerous staffs working in RMG industries rushing to their place. Subsequently, my grandpa explained that those industries are owned by businessmen and that many people will not find a job if businessmen would not take initiative in setting up such enormous organizations. Hearing this, I was immensely motivated to get involved in business activities not only to earn profit but also to serve the society by providing employment in order to alleviate hunger and poverty from the economy. From then onwards, I was fascinated listening to business news and reading business columns in the newspapers and magazines. One day, my dad, observing my growing curiosity, took me inside an RMG industry. I was totally open-mouthed looking at the teamwork and collaboration of the workers combined with state-of-art equipments allowing them to produce goods in a very short time. This boosted my interest in business even further and directed me to study business-related subjects like economics and accounting.

    In addition to studies, I am engaged in a couple of activities to broaden my horizon and gaining a competitive edge in my business career. Firstly, I registered in Acid Survivors Foundation to participate in voluntary activities. The most important deed that I learned there is completing tasks before the deadline. People looked at me and complimented my responsibilities and obedience. Secondly, I started learning French because French language is one of the most widely spoken languages in the world especially Canada. Understanding such a language will equip me well for the marketplace and achieve business objectives.

    Finally, I choose Ryerson to pursue my undergraduate program because I am concerned not only about studies but also future. Ryerson has distinctive undergraduate program that blends theory with real-world experience, thus, enabling me to transform into a business marvel. Apart from this, Ryerson will facilitate me to achieve a profession after I graduate because, statistically speaking, more than 94% of Ryerson' students are employed six months after graduation. As a result, I will easily get the opportunity to untangle critical business issues.

    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Other
      • Native Language:
      • German
      • Home Country:
      • Germany
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      • Canada

    • Join Date: Nov 2008
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    #2

    Re: Checking my essay for grammatical errors, punctuation mistakes, sentence construc

    I don't have time today to go over this totally, but if you mean Ryerson University in Toronto (Canada) it is an english speaking university. Canada is officially a bi-lingual country, but the majority of the people speak english, not french.


    • Join Date: Apr 2010
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    #3

    Re: Checking my essay for grammatical errors, punctuation mistakes, sentence construc

    I had a go for you, someone else might want to have a quick look over what I have done. It's very late where I am, i'm tired and must go.
    You might want to change the word 'untangle' in the last sentence.
    I would suggest another word, but I don't do business and don't know what you was trying to say. What was you trying to say?




    I have been spellbound by the business world ever since I was a teenager. On my way to school every morning, I noticed numerous staff working in RMG industries rushing to their workplace. Subsequently, my grandpa explained that those industries were owned by businessmen and that many people will not find a job if businessmen would not take the initiative in setting up such enormous organizations. Hearing this, I became immensely motivated into getting involved in business activities, not only to earn profit, but also to serve society by providing employment. This in turn would help to alleviate hunger and poverty from the economy. From then onwards, I became fascinated when listening to business news and reading business columns in newspapers and magazines. One day, my dad, observing my growing curiosity, took me inside an RMG industry. I was totally open-mouthed looking at the teamwork and collaboration of the workers, combined with state-of-art equipment allowing them to produce goods in a very short time. This boosted my interest in business even further and directed me to study business-related subjects like economics and accounting.

    In addition to studies, I am engaged in a couple of activities to broaden my horizon and gain a competitive edge in my business career. Firstly, I registered in Acid Survivors Foundation to participate in voluntary activities. The most important deed that I learnt there is completing tasks before the deadline. People looked at me and complimented my responsibilities and obedience. Secondly, I started learning French because the French language is one of the most widely spoken languages in the world, especially in Canada. Understanding such a language will equip me well for the marketplace and help me achieve business objectives.

    Finally, I am choosing Ryerson to pursue my undergraduate program because I am concerned not only of my studies but also my future. Ryerson has a distinctive undergraduate program that blends theory with real-world experience, thus, enabling me to transform myself into a business marvel. Other than this, Ryerson will help me forward into achieving a profession after I graduate because, statistically speaking, more than 94% of Ryerson' students are employed six months after graduation. As a result, I will easily get the opportunity to untangle critical business issues.

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      • Interested in Language
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      • Chinese
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      • Malaysia
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    #4

    Re: Checking my essay for grammatical errors, punctuation mistakes, sentence construc

    untangle business issues - solve business issues

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