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  1. #1
    woods09 is offline Newbie
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    Default Please revise my college essay///please.....

    who is the most inspirational women in your life and why....


    "I lied and stole from the ones I love the most. I sold my mind, body and soul to obtain this drug, but now I am no longer an addict. I am a recoverer, I will be a survivor." Sitting there acrossfrom my mother, just staring trying to intake everything my mother wasreading from the letter she wrote after she returned home from anrehabilitation center. An inspiration is so hard to find but with amother like mine is inspiration enough. When I first found out my mother was addicted to drugs I didnítknow what to do. It seemed as if instead of trying to help myself, Iplaced my problems on others and always depended on them to fixeverything. I felt like a lost child roaming the earth. The day my mother had to leave she came to me and said "Iím not strong right now,so I need you to be strong for me. I need to go away for a while, solisten. No more depending on anybody else. Be your own person; showthe world you are ready to be independent." I just sat there lookinginto my momsí teary-eyed face. I really didnít know what to say. Soona fter she left, I got strong for my family, but most of all I gotstrong for my mother. Helping with anything and everything I could,eventually I felt mentally and emotionally, like I was losing this battle to stay strong. Then I thought of my mother and realized we (meand my family) are not the only ones struggling to stay strong, she was also. To this day I use my mothers motivation to overcome her weakness to help me strive for success. Her strength has inspired to have the desire to devote my time, effort and compassion to anything I do. I realize that even when all odds are against me, I can still stay strong, succeed and be independent at everything I do. I am an independent African American woman with a voice to be heard. Even though my mother leaving was a terrible situation it turned out to be a beneficial situation also. She wanted me to becomea n independent person and she had so much faith in me. With her gone made me realize how much independence she had to stand on her own and overcome her addiction. That alone gave me the courage to take an enormous step into the real world and stand on my own. Her independence inspired me to take full responsibilities for all my problems and actions, to step up and establish goals. My mother gave me the inspiration to not only have a strong voice but to know when and how to use it. "I know I have been gone for awhile but I am your mother. So you need to learn how to talk to me no matter what the circumstances, maybe." The best thing and first thing my mother taught me when she came home was how to communicate. With the independence I learned while she was gone made it hard for us to have a discussion when we would come to a disagreement. I realized that she was the one who taught me all I know about independence. So I took those skills and applied them everytime we would come to disagreement and now I am an even stronger person with an influential voice. My mother has inspired me to take my communications abilities farther into the world. I have had plenty of ups and downs in my life, but the lessons I have learned from my mother's struggles have helped me through. I had one bad year academically in junior high that set me behind in course credits. In the past five years since then, I have had to work harder than many of my classmates to catch up and make up the credits I missed so I could graduate on time. It has taken the strength and independence that I learned from my mother, as well as emotional maturity and relentless work ethic. I have had five years to practice these skills, and now they are second nature. I know I will be successful at College because i aquired the skills to do so.

  2. #2
    sarat_106 is offline Key Member
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    Exclamation Re: Please revise my college essay///please.....

    Quote Originally Posted by woods09 View Post
    who is the most inspirational women in your life and why....


    Text for correction

    I lied to and stole from the ones I love the most. I sold my mind, body and soul to obtain this drug, but now I am no longer an addict. Having (I am a) recovered, I will be a survivor." Sitting there with (across from) my mother, I was just staring and trying to perceive (intake) everything my mother was reading from the letter she wrote after she returned home from an rehabilitation center. An inspiration is so hard to find but with a mother like mine, inspiration abounds (enough). When I first found out that my mother was addicted to drugs I could not think (didn’t know) what to do. It seemed as if instead of trying to help myself, I placed my problems on others and thereby always depended on them to fix every thing. I felt like a lost child roaming around the earth. The day my mother had to leave, she came to me and said "I’m not strong right now, so I need you to be strong for me. I need to go away for a while, so listen, no more depend (ing) on others (anybody else). Be your own person/just be yourself; show the world you are ready to be independent." I just sat there looking into my moms’ teary-eyed face. I really didn’t know what to say. Soon after she left, I resolved to get strong for my family, but most necessarily (of all I got strong) for my mother. Helping with anything and everything I could, eventually I felt mentally and emotionally, weak as if (like) I was losing this battle of (to) staying strong. Then I thought of my mother and realized that we (mean d my family) are not the only ones struggling to stay strong, she was also. To this day I use my mothers motivation to overcome her weakness to help me strive for success. Her strength has inspired to have the desire to devote my time, effort and compassion to anything I do. I can now realize that even when all odds are against me, I can still stay strong, succeed and be independent (at everything I do). I am an independent Afro - American woman with a voice to be heard. Even though my mother’s absense (leaving) was a terrible situation it turned out to have (be a) beneficial effects (situation) also. She wanted me to become an independent person and she had so much faith in me. With her departure (gone made me) I realize how much independence she had to stand on her own and overcome her addiction. That alone gave me the courage and enormous strength to (take an) step into the real world and stand on my own. Her independence inspired me to take full responsibilities for all my problems and actions, with a view to step up and establish goals. My mother gave me the inspiration to have not only a strong voice but also to know when and how to use it. She used to say, "I know I have been away (gone) for a while but I am your mother. So you need to learn how to talk to me no matter what maybe the circumstances." The best (thing) and first thing my mother taught me after/when she came home was how to communicate. With the independence in her absence I recalled (learned while she was gone made it) how hard it was for for us to have a discussion when we would come to a disagreement. I realized that she was the one who taught me all I know about independence. So I recollected (took) those skills and applied them every time we would come to disagreement. (and) Consequently, now I am a much (an even) stronger person with an influential voice. My mother has inspired me to enhance (take) my communications abilities as we move farther into the communication age (farther into the world). I have had plenty of ups and downs in my life, but the lessons I have learned from my mother's struggles have helped me through. I had one bad year academically in junior high that set me behind in course credits. In the past five years since then, I have had to work harder than many of my classmates to catch up and make up the credits missed by me so that I could graduate on time. This was possible due to (It has taken) the strength and independence that I learned from my mother, as well as emotional maturity and relentless work ethic. I have had five years to practice these skills, and now these are second nature. I know I will be successful at College because i have acquired the necessary skills to do so.

    Delete words in brackets. At places optional expressions are given. Use the option if it sounds well to you.

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