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  1. #1
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    Question SOS! Someone please rescue me!

    Please proofread this paragraph for me! Thanksss!!
    Part I The Murder Scene
    It was one freezing winter night of 1975 in the heart of Les Bells. A young man carried a bloody knife and stood alone in the middle of a city street. He was only wearing a thin sweater, but he was already sweating. He looked upon the sky and noticed that the moon even hid its face into the clouds to avoid seeing his wrongful action. He knew his action was unforgivable. As the young man kneeled down to the ground, he suddenly became hysterical and began screaming. The echo of his voice vibrated among the downtown buildings of Les Bells.
    When he stopped, the atmosphere around him was silent like someone pressed a pause button. He saw the shadows of the skyscrapers were still. The air around him was inert. The dim lights on the street were no longer bright to illuminate what he had just done. The tree branches suddenly stopped swaying. The whole city was dead. The air tasted bitter. He could still smell the blood mingling with the wafting smells from restaurants on the street. He touched the sharp of his bloody knife and walked away.

  2. #2
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    Exclamation Re: SOS! Someone please rescue me!

    Hello! Anybody?

  3. #3
    thod00 is offline Member
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    Re: SOS! Someone please rescue me!

    It was one a freezing winter night of 1975 in the heart of Les Bells. A young man carried a bloody knife and stood alone in the middle of a city street. He was only wearing a thin sweater, but he was already sweating. He looked uponup at the sky and noticed that the moon even even the moon hid its face into the clouds to avoid seeing his wrongful action. He knew his action was unforgivable. As the young man kneeled down to the ground, he suddenly became hysterical and began screaming. The echo of his voice vibrated among the downtown buildings of Les Bells.
    When he stopped, the atmosphere around him was silent like someone pressed had pressed a pause button. He saw thethat the shadows of the skyscrapers were still. The air around him was inert. The dim lights on the street were no longer brightbright enough to illuminate what he had just done. The tree branches suddenly stopped swaying. The whole city was dead. The air tasted bitter. He could still smell the blood mingling with the wafting smells fromfrom the restaurants on the street. He touched the sharp sharp edge of his bloody knife and walked away.

    Nice. I think it would be better to switch to the present tense for the effect. This would be achieved by simply altering the cumbersome opening sentence.


    A freezing winter night, 1975, in the heart of the town of Les Bells. A young man carries a bloody knife and stands alone in the middle of a city street. He is wearing only a thin sweater, but he is already sweating. He looks at the sky and notices that even the moon has hidden its face in the clouds to avoid seeing his wrongful action.

  4. #4
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    Wink Re: SOS! Someone please rescue me!

    Hey! Thanks! You should be a teacher because you are good critic!

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