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  1. #1
    slalomws is offline Newbie
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    Need some halp in proofreading an interesting 353 word text

    Dear everyone,

    Below I am posting a document, which describes some activities and functions of a new student body at school we are trying to establish. I would immensly appretiate your having a look at it and provinding me with you comments, notices and advices with regards to grammar, structure, wording, and style of this document. Thank you in advance for any help.

    Your sincerely

    Sergey
    "Who we are
    Young Researchers for Economics (YRfE) is a young, research oriented academic body at Lazarski School of Commerce and Law in Poland (LSC) established as a students’ incentive project in cooperation with the stuff of the school. The core mission of our activity is to provide our participants with a broader scope of opportunities for personal, academic and professional development beyond the boundaries of the programs curricula. Via close cooperation and with the strong support of academics, professionals and business people from our local, national and international environment we seek to organize and participate in a wide variety of events and projects in the field of modern economics with a purpose of both serving to the best of our partners needs and satisfying the aspirations of our members for advanced theoretical and practical experiences.
    Our members
    Currently, YRfE consist of a group of international students from British programs in Business Economics on both Bachelor and Master levels at Lazarski School. The most important distinguishing feature of our members is active and vivid interest in the problems of modern economics alongside with strong academic and personal achievements and abilities for effective and efficient cooperation in a current diverse and dynamic environment. Moreover, we set no border of any dimensions for all people interested in and capable of contribution to our common business for joining our team.
    Our partners:
    Academics:
    Having a strong believe that networking and communication is the most effective of the current learning methods, we invite academics in the field of widely understood economics and other closely related areas for cooperation in scientific and research projects, organization and participation in knowledge-sharing and learning activities, such as seminars, discussions, conferences and forums.
    Professionals and Businesses:
    Seeking for new application opportunities of theoretical knowledge and material practical experiences we offer to individual professionals and business organizations the most of our efforts for solving your real economic problems. We treat your problems as the best quality real-world material for academic research and offer you in exchange our specific and tailored solutions based on fundamental economic theory and innovative approach of our young minds. "

  2. #2
    thod00 is offline Member
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    Re: Need some halp in proofreading an interesting 353 word text

    There are numerous mistakes in grammar, so I will comment on the style.

    You are overly verbose. It reads as if you are trying to fit every large word you can think of into the text in order to seem erudite. This makes it seem dry, like reading a technical manual. I dont want to read 15 long words to get a simple idea.

    Young Researchers for Economics (YRfE) is a young, research oriented academic body
    You forget to mention its also about economics. This is like saying "the big red cat club, is a club, for cats, that are big, and are red". I had already gathered that, so why tell me the obvious.

    The core mission of our activity is to provide our participants with a broader scope of opportunities for personal, academic and professional development beyond the boundaries of the programs curricula
    "Core mission"? "professional development"? You have read too many business speak books. You have taken a simple idea and worked as many words into it as you can get away with.

    There is an English idiom "To call a spade a spade" which means straight talking and to call something what it is. You would call a spade a "long handled general purpose earth moving horticultural implement".

    BTW, I like the correct conjugation of curriculum into curricula, few people take Latin these days.
    Last edited by thod00; 08-Feb-2009 at 00:26.

  3. #3
    thedaffodils's Avatar
    thedaffodils is offline Key Member
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    Re: Need some halp in proofreading an interesting 353 word text

    Hi Thod00,

    Great job! Thank you very much for taking time to comment on this article. I benefit from the comments of yours. I especially enjoy that you wittily applied the two idioms to illustrate the problems in the writing.

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