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  1. #1
    Amandajns is offline Newbie
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    Looking for Some Editing Help!!!

    I would love to get some editing help on the short story below. Also, Any thought or ideas on the story? If you hate it, you can tell me also :) ( Had a serious issue with being able to indent line. . . .so I jsut used enter)



    The days were long and hot. The nights cool were and short. The longer the girls stayed together, the better. That’s what every one said; weather it was true or not I never lived to see.



    Sarah had just turned 19. For her birthday she locked herself into her bedroom for three hours straight. Sarah was the more dramatic one. She was always in black, reading weird poems, and sitting in “deep thought”. She talked less and less the older she got. She told everyone that time was too important to be filled up with words that had no ‘souls’. So, she made it a point only to talk when she had something ‘deep and meaningful’ that needed to be said.

    Now when Sarah turned 19 and was in her room crying, I, of course, was on the other side of the door, telling her that everything would be fine. Every year we went through the same thing. There would be a party and as soon as every one left, she would lock herself in her room, and cry for hours. She would stay there all night. I had been on the other side of the door every time.

    This whole thing started the day Sarah turned 9. Just after everyone had left her party her mom had gone outside to get the mail. As her mom crossed the street a drunk driver flew by and smashed right into her. The EMT’s said that she had died on impact. It was really hard for Sarah to get over the death. She had always been very close to her mom.

    I did the only thing no one else seemed to think of. I left Sarah alone. I did not hound her about how she was feeling like her family did. I did not ask her time and again if she was okay like her friends did. I told her that we had always been friends, and I would always be there for her. I told her that when she was ready to give me a call. Then I left her alone. I did not see or hear from Sarah for almost four months.

    One day, just before school was getting ready to start back up, I got a phone call. When I picked it up I could hear crying on the other end. “Sarah? Is that you?”

    “I miss her Christy, I really do.”

    “I know Sarah, I know.” I sat on the phone for almost 5 hours that Saturday listening to what Sarah had to say. I asked no questions, I just listened. The only time I even spoke was when Sarah would stop talking and start to sob. I told her that she did not have to keep talking if she did not want to. I told her that she didn’t have to tell me anything. She said that she did, that she wanted to.

    Ever since that phone call we have been inseparable. Any where I went, you would see Sarah close behind. I always thought of her as a little sister. After all being 3 years older made it hard to be friends, especially as I got older.

    Right after her mom’s death Sarah moved in with her grandparents for a few months. Her Dad, Dave took the accident very hard, and was in no spot to take care of Sarah. Just before school went into session that year Sarah moved back home. Now, Dave never liked me. He would tell Sarah that I was one of those kids born to break rules. He would lecture her on what a bad influence I was. Sarah always came to my defense. She would tell him that I was the only one there when she really needed someone. She would tell him that he just didn’t know me, that he should give me a real chance.

    What Sarah did not see, or did not want to see, was that he was right. I was always getting into trouble. I practically lived in detention my last two years of school, and most of the cops in town knew who my friends and I were before I was 15. Sarah never seemed to care about that though. She would always say that those things did not make me a bad person; it just meant I made some bad choices. Of course, Sarah never got into trouble. She did every thing she could to follow the rules, both mans and Gods. She could not help it, that was just how she had been raised.

    Some times I think Sarah tried to be like me. I had known Sarah all my life. I guess after her mom died, I turned into that female role model in her life; from her eyes, anyways. Maybe that was why we had stayed friends all these years. I mean, we really had nothing in common, except that I had known her mom. My mom had died when I was a baby. Sarah’s mom had always taken care of me. She had always been my mom when I needed one. I think I was one of the few things that Sarah could really hold onto, that reminded her of her mother.

    I remember how when Sarah would finally come out of her room she would always look at me with the same look in her eyes. It always gave me the chills. It was like looking into the eyes of an old woman, someone ready to just let go. The first few years she would actually have a conversation, through the door of course, as she cried in her room, but as she got older and older she started to say less and less.

    For some reason on this birthday Sarah walked out of her room and looked at me with a smile. This was the first time in 10 years that I could see joy in her eyes. “Let’s go for a drive.” As she spoke she walked past me, down the hall, down the stairs and towards the front door. I followed her, stunned, amazed, confused. There was no secret message I would have to spend three days decoding. No, deep meaning to her words. This was the first time since Sarah’s 9th birthday that I completely understood what it was she was saying.

    We walked out the front door and to my car. I popped the locks and we both climbed in. As I sat in my seat I looked over to my right. “Where too?”

    “It doesn’t matter, just drive.” She turned and smiled at me again as I backed out of the driveway. I did as I was told. I drove. And, I kept driving. She looked so happy. After almost two hours of driving in circles, I started talking.

    “Hey, Sarah, um, are we going to just continue in circles till we run out of gas, or is there a place you had in mind?” For what ever reason my question made her laugh, something else I had not seen for so many years. I was totally serious about what I had asked and once she realized this she stop laughing, and just looked at me. I knew where she wanted to go. She did not have to say a word; I could see it in her eyes. So, I automatically began our journey across town. “If you change your mind, just let me know.” I had said that line one too many times during our friendship.

    As I drove I watched Sarah for a moment as she gazed out the window. She looked like a little child looking out at the world for the first time. I bent down and turned on the radio. Her station played, not mine. As we bopped down the suburban streets I thought about the summer to come. After this summer Sarah would be going away to College, leaving me behind. This was our last summer together, after everything would change. Maybe that was the feeling I had in my gut, maybe it was some bad Mexican. Either way I knew, this was going to be a summer like no other, full of surprises, and a turning point in both our lives.
    Last edited by Amandajns; 09-Feb-2009 at 06:15.

  2. #2
    tareq10's Avatar
    tareq10 is offline Member
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    Re: Looking for Some Editing Help!!!

    Quote Originally Posted by Amandajns View Post
    I would like love to get some editing help on the short story below. Also, Any thought or ideas on the story? If you hate it, you can tell me also :) ( Had a serious issue with being able to indent line. . . .so I jsut used enter)



    The days were long and hot. The nights were cool were and short. The longer the girls stayed together, the better it will be. That’s what every one said; weather it was true or not I never lived to see.



    Sarah had just turned 19. For her birthday she locked herself into her bedroom for three hours straight. she Sarah was the more most dramatic one. She was always in black, reading weird poems, and sitting in “deep thought”. She talked less and less the older she got. She told everyone that time was too important to be filled up with words that had no ‘souls’. So, she made it a point only to talk when she had something ‘deep and meaningful’ that needed to be said.

    Now when Sarah turned 19 and was in her room crying, I, of course, was on the other side of the door, telling her that everything would be fine. Every year we went through the same thing. There would be a party and as soon as every one left, she would lock herself in her room, and cry for hours. She would stay there all night. I had been on the other side of the door every time.

    This whole thing started the day Sarah turned 9. Just after everyone had left her party her mom had gone outside to get the mail. As her mom crossed the street, a drunk driver flew by and smashed right into her. The EMT’s said that she had died on an impact. It was really hard for Sarah to get over the death. She had always been very close to her mom.

    I did the only thing no one else seemed to think of. I left Sarah alone. I did not hound her about how she was feeling like her family did. I did not ask her time and again if she was okay like her friends did. I told her that we had always been friends, and I would always be there for her. I told her that when she was ready to give me a call. Then I left her alone. I did not see or hear from Sarah for almost four months.

    One day, just before school was getting ready to start back up, I got a phone call. When I picked it up I could hear crying on the other end. “Sarah? Is that you?”

    “I miss her Christy, I really do.”

    “I know Sarah, I know.” I sat on the phone for almost 5 hours that Saturday listening to what Sarah had to say. I asked no questions, I just listened. The only time I even spoke was when Sarah would stop talking and start to sob. I told her that she did not have to keep talking if she did not want to. I told her that she didn’t have to tell me anything. She said that she did, that she wanted to.

    Ever since that phone call we have been inseparable. Any where I went, you would see Sarah close behind. I always thought of her as a little sister. After all being 3 years older made it hard to be friends, especially as I got older.

    Right after her mom’s death Sarah moved in with her grandparents for a few months. Her Dad, Dave took the accident very hard, and was in no spot to take care of Sarah. Just before school went into session that year Sarah moved back home. Now, Dave never liked me. He would tell Sarah that I was one of those kids born to break rules. He would lecture her on what a bad influence I was. Sarah always came to my defense. She would tell him that I was the only one there when she really needed someone. She would tell him that he just didn’t know me, that he should give me a real chance.

    What Sarah did not see, or did not want to see, was that he was right. I was always getting into trouble. I practically lived in detention my last two years of school, and most of the cops in town knew who my friends and I were before I was 15. Sarah never seemed to care about that though. She would always say that those things did not make me a bad person; it just meant I made some bad choices. Of course, Sarah never got into trouble. She did every thing she could to follow the rules, both mans and Gods. She could not help it, that was just how she had been raised.

    Some times I think Sarah tried to be like me. I had known Sarah all my life. I guess after her mom died, I turned into that female role model in her life; from her eyes, anyways. Maybe that was why we had stayed friends all these years. I mean, we really had nothing in common, except that I had known her mom. My mom had died when I was a baby. Sarah’s mom had always taken care of me. She had always been my mom when I needed one. I think I was one of the few things that Sarah could really hold onto, that reminded her of her mother.

    I remember how when Sarah would finally come out of her room she would always look at me with the same look in her eyes. It always gave me the chills. It was like looking into the eyes of an old woman, someone ready to just let go. The first few years she would actually have a conversation, through the door of course, as she cried in her room, but as she got older and older she started to say less and less.

    For some reason on this birthday Sarah walked out of her room and looked at me with a smile. This was the first time in 10 years that I could see joy in her eyes. “Let’s go for a drive.” As she spoke she walked past me, down the hall, down the stairs and towards the front door. I followed her, stunned, amazed, confused. There was no secret message I would have to spend three days decoding. No, deep meaning to her words. This was the first time since Sarah’s 9th birthday that I completely understood what it was she was saying.

    We walked out the front door and to my car. I popped the locks and we both climbed in. As I sat in my seat I looked over to my right. “Where too?”

    “It doesn’t matter, just drive.” She turned and smiled at me again as I backed out of the driveway. I did as I was told. I drove. And, I kept driving. She looked so happy. After almost two hours of driving in circles, I started talking.

    “Hey, Sarah, um, are we going to just continue in circles till we run out of gas, or is there a place you had in mind?” For what ever reason my question made her laugh, something else I had not seen for so many years. I was totally serious about what I had asked and once she realized this she stop laughing, and just looked at me. I knew where she wanted to go. She did not have to say a word; I could see it in her eyes. So, I automatically began our journey across town. “If you change your mind, just let me know.” I had said that line one too many times during our friendship.

    As I drove I watched Sarah for a moment as she gazed out the window. She looked like a little child looking out at the world for the first time. I bent down and turned on the radio. Her station played, not mine. As we bopped down the suburban streets I thought about the summer to come. After this summer Sarah would be going away to College, leaving me behind. This was our last summer together, after everything would change. Maybe that was the feeling I had in my gut, maybe it was some bad Mexican. Either way I knew, this was going to be a summer like no other, full of surprises, and a turning point in both our lives.
    well Amandajns try what I haven't done. I think I have left something uncorrected.

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