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    • Join Date: May 2008
    • Posts: 4
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    #1

    Please correct my grammar!

    Hi Friends!
    I hope you all are doing well.
    Below is the fiction (Incomplete), written by me. I want to improve my writing skills. Any correctional feedbacks on Grammar, sentence structure, vocabulary and language are highly appreciated. I look forward to read comments on my draft, as my main aim is to improve.
    Hence it would really be nice if you leave lots of comment and suggestion.
    Waiting for a reply!
    Abbas

    With the advent of spring, the clouds became clearer, flowers began to grow, magnolias, cherries, and quince started to bloom. The Himalayans Mountains are disgorging crystal clear water, and the animals are celebrating the season. Every thing looked happy, but Mary seems to be cheerless. Despite of the blithesome weather, she is tearful.
    “I wont go to the bazaar”, replied Mary in a cold-blooded voice to her mother, when she was asked to accompany.

    Mary is a 16 year old, beautiful girl, with large blue eyes. Any stranger would naturally get his eyes glued on her because of her stunning looks, and milky white color. She is the only girl child of her parents, a sister of 5 brothers. She pretended to be normal, but the incident that occurred a week ago, took all the happiness from her life.

    Mary lives in a very beautiful village near the Himalayan Mountains.

    When she was 15, her mother decided to take her to the church every day. Prior to that, she always refused Mary to accompany, with the excuse that would leave her speechless “Mary, kids are not allowed in the god’s house…”

    It was a sunny day with a very clear sky (In Himalayas, a sunny day was one of the most awaited time). As usual, Mary was on her way to the church with her mother. She wore a white frock with long sleeves, and a scarf woven by her grandmother. She was loved by the entire family, particularly by her grandmother who pampered her a lot.

    “Memsaab! Special flowers for Jesus, only for 2 Rs”, cried a small boy from a distance. The boy came near and said in a huffing voice “Memsaab, please buy them, I and my brother have made them from the special flowers that are found only near the river.”

    Mary was obsessed with the bunch, though her mother was not in a mood to spend a single penny.

    Mary persuaded her mother to buy them as she never saw such flowers before. Her mother had no option but to listen to her daughter’s plea.

    As she moved towards the church Mary inquired “Where do you live bhaiyya?” To her surprise, she discovered that the boy lives across the same lane where Mary used to go every morning, to meet her friend.

    Now she became curious and started asking more question. After talking to him, she came to know that the boy lives right next to her friend’s house. He has none in the family save an elder brother who works in a farm.

    In he evening Mary visited her friend and talked about the choir she wanted to be a part of. Before leaving she remembered the boy, whom she met in the afternoon. She enquired about the boy, to which Julie gave a bitingly quizzical look and asked instantly “are you talking about john?”
    “No, I am talking about Joseph. He must be around 12 year old” replied Mary. “Bye the Way, who is john?” asked Mary curiously.

    Julie removed a small box from her cupboard and showed her the locket that was kept inside. The locked seemed to be cherished material for Julie. But after a moment, tears began to flow from her eyes.
    Julie told that John was her dream boy and she wanted to gift this locket on his birthday. John, who never believed in love, politely refused to accept the gift. That evening Julie disclosed everything that she hid from everyone about her feelings towards john. Mary, being her best friend, sympathized in her sorrow. Before leaving Mary said in a deep voice “Do not cry Julie, Jesus will instill love in john’s heart for you.”

    That night Mary kept thinking about Julie and john—a mere stranger for her.

    After a week, Mary decided to see Julie again. This time she hoped that her friend would be out of the grief. When she reached Julie’s house, the unseen torso of john—as described by Julie—came to her mind.
    “Where have you been Mary?” asked Julie when she entered the room. Mary did not pay heed to her casual query and sat on the wooden chair, which can be found only in country side. Julie’s mother brought a special Himalayan tea for the couple. Both of them enjoyed the drink in midst of cool breeze coming from the river. After a while, Mary came near the window and gazed at the beautiful scene. She noticed a young man coming from a distance. When he came closer Julie became breathless. He was a tall, muscular and a very handsome teenager. The incident narrated by Julie flashed back into her mind. She had no choice, but to believe her friend’s comments on John: “He is a prince!” There was a silence in the room for a while, however Julie saw that young man and broke the ice. She said “He is John! My life”

    Both, Mary and John saw each other and were amazed at each other’s charisma. They were in a different world, as if the time has come to stand still. They could sense the aroma of love flowing from each other. After some time john realized that he is starring at someone whom he had never met before. He wasted not time in moving inside his house. This drama was witnessed by Julie, though she did not mind. That night Mary was thinking about john. She again went to a different world. She is a princess and John is riding a horse and is on the way to Mary’s palace to ask her hand from her father. Likewise, she spent several sleepless nights, thinking about john. She tried her best to meet him, but all in vain. Julie realized that Mary now comes with a different intention. Mary never wanted to hurt her best friend hence she kept her feelings graved in her heart for months, however as the time passed the feelings grew stronger, though she never had an opportunity to see john.

    It was a summer and the weather was more pleasant in Himalayas. Late in the afternoon Mary decided to go to the church alone, as her mother was busy in resolving the conflict between the two elder brothers of Mary. This time Mary wanted to pray for the wellbeing and improvement of the relationships amongst her family members. Though she was youngest, she was the most understanding member of her family. Her presence was always required to diffuse the routine verbal combat in her family. She always made peace incase of differences. When she completed her prayers, father martin asked Mary about her mother. She was predetermined not to disclose family matters to any one. “She is busy in the kitchen”, replied Mary with a descent smile on her beautiful face. On her way back to home, she saw john coming from an opposite direction. Her steps slowed down and her heart beats became stronger. John also started feeling the intensity, and when he came near to Mary, smiled at her. Mary was on cloud 9 and again went to the fairy land. She again became the princess. This time john, who had decided not to get carried away, also responded to Mary in a similar fashion. This was all because of Mary’s beauty. Mary realized that she is in deep love with john, and would one day marry him. Mary came back, but her heart was still beating faster. Her joy knew no bounds. She finally decided to talk to John. That evening she visited Julie’s house, but the door was locked. Mary felt that this is a golden opportunity to talk to john on the pretext of asking the whereabouts of her friend. Mary knocked the old wooden door, and was undecided of the question she would ask. The door was opened by none other than the prince of her life.

    “Yes Mary, how can I help you?” asked john. Mary was surprised to see that john addressed her with her name.

    “How do you know my name?” asked Mary.
    John did not answer to her question, rather requested to come inside the room. Mary went inside. The house was very clean but was devoid of essential things like a proper kitchen, utensils, etc. Mary sat on the wooden chair, and was silent for some time. Being alone, she was a little worried. On the other hand john was still busy in slogging her mind to find the answer of Mary’s first question. Finally, Mary started a causal talk to make the things comfortable, “Where is Joseph?”


    • Join Date: Feb 2009
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    #2

    Re: Please correct my grammar!

    With the advent of spring, the clouds became clearer, flowers began to grow, magnolias, cherries, and quince started to bloom. The Himalayans Mountains are disgorging crystal clear water, and the animals are celebrating the season. Every thing looked happy, but Mary seems to be cheerless. Despite of the blithesome weather, she is tearful.
    “I wont go to the bazaar”, replied Mary in a cold-blooded voice to her mother, when she was asked to accompany.
    Clouds became clearer? The sky can be cloudy or clear but I am not sure what a clear cloud is.

    The Himalayas or Himalayan Mountains.

    I am totally confused as you keep switching from past to present tense.

    'Despite of the blithesome' should be 'Despite the blithesome'.

    'when she was asked to accompany'. Accompany who?


    • Join Date: May 2008
    • Posts: 4
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    #3

    Re: Please correct my grammar!

    Thanks thod00 for the feedback!

    I will ensure that I write in the same tense.

    Thanks again!
    Abbas

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