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  1. #11
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    Re: please edit this essay

    Hi Tdol,

    Thanks for the post relaying my problem with technical difficulties that prevented me from being able to post to this thread last night.

  2. #12
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    Re: please edit this essay

    Quote Originally Posted by taghavi View Post
    Hello again,

    You are very welcome, Ok I am waiting for you tomorrow night to do me a favour and edit my mistakes.

    Best regards,
    Leila
    Hi Leila,

    First, thanks for being so patient for my return post to you here. As you have probably seen by reviewing the last few posts, I experienced some technical difficulties that prevented me from accessing this thread last night. I hope that the delay that has resulted in my posting back to you here a -- a day later than promised -- has not inconvenienced you.

    Next, I thought that I should let you know that I do not at all consider your post to be a request for anyone "to do your homework." From the replies that you supplied to my initial questions in our previous exchanges to this thread, I have no reason to consider your request for assistance to be anything but genuine. Teaching someone how to write more effectively often requires the teacher to "mark up" the student's writing with suggested corrections. I have always found that this increases the student's ability to understand his / her errors and thus improve their writing skills.

    Having gotten that out of the way, let's proceed to the task at hand:

    May I suggest that you consider two general steps in your current drafting process: (1) editing and (2) revising.

    Editing is the simpler of the two drafting processes, as it consists of correcting typos, misspellings, punctuation, grammar and usage, etc. Revising is definitely a more involved part of the drafting process, as it calls upon judgments concerning (among other things) sentence and paragraph structure and organization, as well as the writer's own unique style.


    In your particular case, especially given the brevity of your writing sample, I don't foresee your draft requiring extensive revisions. Nonetheless, for the purpose of orderliness in the process, I would like to focus on just the editing aspects here. After you have reviewed the corrections that I have suggested below, you may wish then to focus upon revisions that will bring you to a finished piece.

    Below is a marked up copy of your initial post with corrections. By comparing the colored marked-up text with your original, you should be able to understand why I have suggested these edits. If you have any specific questions regarding any of these suggested corrections, then by all means please post back to this thread.

    One further comment: The phrases or sentences that I have italicized are in need of revision. Please make an attempt to rewrite them so that your intent is clear.

    Good luck to you Leila!
    There are many language institutes in Iran that are teaching English using International English Language Testing System (IELTS), which consists of writing, reading, listening, use of English and speaking. My article focuses on the use of English, which has pulled through information during a term from one of the language institutes. And according this project students fell into speaking and listening.

    The class reviewed for this article consisted of 20 girls between the ages of 15 -18. During the first term, they could speak English fluently and accurately. They could talk about their normal and daily activities. Their listening was also fair. Fourteen students (one student, age 15; seven students, ages 16 – 17; six students, age 18), answered correctly 20 multiple choice listening items out of 30. Six students (two students, age 15; three students, age 16; one student, age 18), answered between 10 to 15 of these multiple choice listening items correctly).

    Students were supposed to do their homework, which consisted of either fill-in-the-blank or matching exercises, and which had been selected from materials and handbooks. And the teacher managed the class in what 4 or 5 copies of the materials and asked the students during the class.

    After three months, the speed of these students’ speaking and listening came into the low level, but they could speak accurately. They were supposed to answer a listening multiple choice test consisting of 30 items, in which seven students (three students, age 15; one student, age 16; one student, age 17; three students, age 18) answered 16 questions correctly. Ten students (two students, age 15; two students, age 16; six students, age 18), answered correctly 11 items.
    Last edited by Monticello; 25-Feb-2009 at 04:10.

  3. #13
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    Wink Re: please edit this essay

    Hello Monticello,

    you are welcom, I have linked the " Using English.com" to learn English, so whatever you and the other native speakers teach, I will attemt to learn and use it in my work.
    Many thanks for your help, I tried to revise the italic sentences in pink. I would appreciate it if you can look at them.

    Regards, Leila


    Quote Originally Posted by Monticello View Post
    Hi Leila,

    First, thanks for being so patient for my return post to you here. As you have probably seen by reviewing the last few posts, I experienced some technical difficulties that prevented me from accessing this thread last night. I hope that the delay that has resulted in my posting back to you here a -- a day later than promised -- has not inconvenienced you.

    Next, I thought that I should let you know that I do not at all consider your post to be a request for anyone "to do your homework." From the replies that you supplied to my initial questions in our previous exchanges to this thread, I have no reason to consider your request for assistance to be anything but genuine. Teaching someone how to write more effectively often requires the teacher to "mark up" the student's writing with suggested corrections. I have always found that this increases the student's ability to understand his / her errors and thus improve their writing skills.

    Having gotten that out of the way, let's proceed to the task at hand:

    May I suggest that you consider two general steps in your current drafting process: (1) editing and (2) revising.

    Editing is the simpler of the two drafting processes, as it consists of correcting typos, misspellings, punctuation, grammar and usage, etc. Revising is definitely a more involved part of the drafting process, as it calls upon judgments concerning (among other things) sentence and paragraph structure and organization, as well as the writer's own unique style.


    In your particular case, especially given the brevity of your writing sample, I don't foresee your draft requiring extensive revisions. Nonetheless, for the purpose of orderliness in the process, I would like to focus on just the editing aspects here. After you have reviewed the corrections that I have suggested below, you may wish then to focus upon revisions that will bring you to a finished piece.

    Below is a marked up copy of your initial post with corrections. By comparing the colored marked-up text with your original, you should be able to understand why I have suggested these edits. If you have any specific questions regarding any of these suggested corrections, then by all means please post back to this thread.

    One further comment: The phrases or sentences that I have italicized are in need of revision. Please make an attempt to rewrite them so that your intent is clear.

    Good luck to you Leila!
    There are many language institutes in Iran that are teaching English using International English Language Testing System (IELTS), which consists of writing, reading, listening, use of English and speaking. My article focuses on the "Use of English",
    in which has been collected some information during a semester in one of the language institues to mention how and why some of the students' language skills- speaking and listening- get into trouble after having passed the "Use of English" section.

    which has pulled through information during a term from one of the language institutes. And according this project students fell into speaking and listening.

    The class reviewed for this article consisted of 20 girls between the ages of 15 -18. During the first term, they could speak English fluently and accurately. They could talk about their normal and daily activities. Their listening was also fair. Fourteen students (one student, age 15; seven students, ages 16 – 17; six students, age 18), answered correctly 20 multiple choice listening items out of 30. Six students (two students, age 15; three students, age 16; one student, age 18), answered between 10 to 15 of these multiple choice listening items correctly).

    Students were supposed to do their homework, which consisted of either fill-in-the-blank or matching exercises, and which had been selected from materials and handbooks.
    Four and five copies of assignment were distributed to the students, so they needed to take their time to answer the given questions. After that time, teacher asked their answers.

    And the teacher managed the class in what 4 or 5 copies of the materials and asked the students during the class.

    After three months, the speed of these students’ speaking and listening came into the low level, but they could speak accurately. They were supposed to answer a listening multiple choice test consisting of 30 items, in which seven students (three students, age 15; one student, age 16; one student, age 17; three students, age 18) answered 16 questions correctly. Ten students (two students, age 15; two students, age 16; six students, age 18), answered correctly 11 items.

  4. #14
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    Re: please edit this essay

    Hi Leila,

    Thanks for taking the time to rewrite those passages that I italicized in my mark-ups for you. After reading your rewrites, it's apparent to me that your writing is definitely showing improvements.

    The biggest challenge that we face here is not your writing but the time difference between Boston (USA) & Iran. And by that I mean that, once again, it is very late here for me.

    With this in mind, please expect a reply from me concerning your efforts sometime later in your day. Thanks for your continuing patience.

    All the best.

  5. #15
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    Re: please edit this essay

    Hi Leila,

    After looking over you last post, it seems that you have now stepped into revising your draft. The difficulty for me here is that I'm not quite sure if any suggestions for rewrites that I may provide for you do in fact correspond to your intended meaning.

    Bearing this in mind, please review the block of text below. The rewrites I have suggested for you here are highlighted in blue. Please pay careful attention as to whether or not these suggested revisions capture your intended meaning.

    Then please provide revisions for (1) any of my suggestions that don't correspond to your intent, and (2) the red highlighted text, which still remains unclear to me.

    Also, please let me know in your next post if you have any questions concerning the suggestions that I have made here.

    The text block with my suggested revisions follows:

    There are many language institutes in Iran that are teaching English using International English Language Testing System (IELTS), which consists of writing, reading, listening, use of English and speaking. Using data collected from a recent classroom study conducted over the course of an entire semester, this article reviews the effectiveness of one language institute’s implementation of IELTS’s "Use of English" within a classroom setting.

    to mention how and why some of the students' language skills- speaking and listening- get into trouble after having passed the "Use of English" section. And according this project students fell into speaking and listening.

    The data collected in the above mentioned study concerned a class of 20 girls between the ages of 15 -18. At the beginning of the semester, all students within this class demonstrated a fair level of fluency and accuracy when conversing in English about their normal and daily activities. (Question for you Leila: Is this phrase "about their normal and daily activities" really necessary?) Their listening was also fair. Fourteen students (one student, age 15; seven students, ages 16 – 17; six students, age 18), answered correctly 20 multiple choice listening items out of 30. Six students (two students, age 15; three students, age 16; one student, age 18), answered between 10 to 15 of these multiple choice listening items correctly).

    Students were regularly assigned homework, which consisted of either fill-in-the-blank or matching exercises, and which had been selected from IELTS materials and handbooks.

    Four and five copies of assignment were distributed to the students, so they needed to take their time to answer the given questions. After that time, teacher asked their answers.
    And the teacher managed the class in what 4 or 5 copies of the materials and asked the students during the class.

    After three months, the speed of these students’ speaking and listening came into the low level, but they could speak accurately. They were supposed to answer a listening multiple choice test consisting of 30 items, in which seven students (three students, age 15; one student, age 16; one student, age 17; three students, age 18) answered 16 questions correctly. Ten students (two students, age 15; two students, age 16; six students, age 18), answered correctly 11 items.

  6. #16
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    Re: please edit this essay

    Hello Monticello,
    I wrote my answers in green.


    Quote Originally Posted by Monticello View Post
    Hi Leila,

    After looking over you last post, it seems that you have now stepped into revising your draft. The difficulty for me here is that I'm not quite sure if any suggestions for rewrites that I may provide for you do in fact correspond to your intended meaning.

    Bearing this in mind, please review the block of text below. The rewrites I have suggested for you here are highlighted in blue. Please pay careful attention as to whether or not these suggested revisions capture your intended meaning.

    Then please provide revisions for (1) any of my suggestions that don't correspond to your intent, and (2) the red highlighted text, which still remains unclear to me.

    Also, please let me know in your next post if you have any questions concerning the suggestions that I have made here.

    The text block with my suggested revisions follows:

    There are many language institutes in Iran that are teaching English using International English Language Testing System (IELTS), which consists of writing, reading, listening, use of English and speaking. Using data collected from a recent classroom study conducted over the course of an entire semester, this article reviews the effectiveness of one language institute’s implementation of IELTS’s "Use of English" within a classroom setting.
    Somethings that you wroe above in blue correspond to my intent. but I don't know whether you agree on my writing that I wrote before or not.

    to mention how and why some of the students' language skills- speaking and listening- get into trouble after having passed the "Use of English" section. And according this project students fell into speaking and listening.
    In this paragraph, I was to point out the part of "use of English" within IELTS classes decreased student's skills including speaking and listening.



    The data collected in the above mentioned study concerned a class of 20 girls between the ages of 15 -18. At the beginning of the semester, all students within this class demonstrated a fair level of fluency and accuracy when conversing in English about their normal and daily activities. (Question for you Leila: Is this phrase "about their normal and daily activities" really necessary? Yes, because after this semester, they couldn't talk about their activities fluently, they get into trouble. they had lost their fluency) Their listening was also fair. Fourteen students (one student, age 15; seven students, ages 16 – 17; six students, age 18), answered correctly 20 multiple choice listening items out of 30. Six students (two students, age 15; three students, age 16; one student, age 18), answered between 10 to 15 of these multiple choice listening items correctly).

    Students were regularly assigned homework, which consisted of either fill-in-the-blank or matching exercises, and which had been selected from IELTS materials and handbooks.
    Yes, I meant as you wrote above.

    Four and five copies of assignment were distributed to the students, so they needed to take their time to answer the given questions. After that time, teacher asked their answers.
    And the teacher managed the class in what 4 or 5 copies of the materials and asked the students during the class.
    I should tell the audience the way of the traditional, useless and tedious method of the teacher in an IELTS class in Iran . and it needs to be changed. What's more,by some copies of materials cannot be come over the weak points. On the contrary, those grammer points, with no use, weaken students productive and comprehension skills such as speaking and listening.

    did I clear up any confusion?

    After three months, the speed of these students’ speaking and listening came into the low level, but they could speak accurately. They were supposed to answer a listening multiple choice test consisting of 30 items, in which seven students (three students, age 15; one student, age 16; one student, age 17; three students, age 18) answered 16 questions correctly. Ten students (two students, age 15; two students, age 16; six students, age 18), answered correctly 11 items.

  7. #17
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    Re: please edit this essay

    Hi Liela,

    Due to the expansion of our posts as we exchange revisions here in this thread, the length of our posts are now coming up against a maximum character limit.

    So at this point, it will make more sense for me to provide more general suggestions for you. Please take heart in knowing that you really are approaching a final draft. Also, please realize that only you, as the writer of your piece, will be able to make a final decision as to when the piece is "finished." As an editor, I can advise you about the strength of your writing as you make your revisions. My advice will look to help you about your decisions concerning the piece's "finality."

    With these comments in mind then, it would probably help to step through each of the changes that I have suggested up till now -- one at a time -- in a series of posts to you. Since your first question / comment from your last post focused on your first paragraph let's focus on that paragraph now:
    There are many language institutes in Iran are teaching IELTS, which consists of writing, reading, listening, use of English and speaking. my article focused on use of English which has pulled through information during a term from one of the language institutes. and according this project students fell into speaking and listening.
    Compare this to my suggested revisions:
    There are many language institutes in Iran that are teaching English using International English Language Testing System (IELTS), which consists of writing, reading, listening, use of English and speaking. Using data collected from a recent classroom study conducted over the course of an entire semester, this article reviews the effectiveness of one language institute’s implementation of IELTS’s "Use of English" within a classroom setting.
    The only change to your first sentence is the expansion of the initials IELTS to its complete name "International English Language Testing System." Remember this rule: -Whenever, in your writing, you first refer to a title such as this, you must -- for the sake of the reader's understanding -- write it out "in full." If the title may be initialized, then immediately following the full title (which, of course, you won't forget to capitalize) you should enclose those initials within parentheses (IELTS). When you make further references in your article, you may then use just the initials (in your example, IELTS) in place of the full name because now your reader knows what the initials "stand for."

    So the only real changes that I've made to your first paragraph are to your second sentence. Let's compare yours against my suggested revision. Yours:
    my article focused on use of English which has pulled through information during a term from one of the language institutes. and according this project students fell into speaking and listening.
    My suggested revision of this sentence:
    Using data collected from a recent classroom study conducted over the course of an entire semester, this article reviews the effectiveness of one language institute’s implementation of IELTS’s "Use of English" within a classroom setting.
    What I'd like you to do now is the following:

    Match each phrase from your original sentence to its complementary phrase within the rewritten sentence. You can do this by either starting with your sentence and matching its pieces (by this I mean its phrases) to the rewrite -- or the reverse -- start with the rewritten sentence and match its "pieces" back to "pieces" within yours. Completing this exercise will increase your understanding of the revision process.

    Please let me know if you have any trouble with this.

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