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    • Join Date: Dec 2008
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    #1

    Would you please review my essay

    Hi could you please review this excercise? Thanks for your help :D

    Some people prefer to live in a small town. Others prefer to live in a big city. Which place would you prefer to live in? Use specific reasons and detail to support your answer.

    While some people like to live in a metropolitan big city, I prefer to live in a quiet comfortable small town. In my opinion, there are some advantages to live in a little town. Small towns have an easy access to anywhere, so I go easily wherever I want. Also, they have less environmental pollution than big cities. I like to care my health so this is important to me.

    The first advantage is that small towns have an easy access to all of their places because they have short distances to get to anyplace. This is important to me since there are some benefits such as save time and convenience. For example, when I have to go to the mall, I do not have to drive too much because is near to my house. I do not spend much time driving, so it is convenient and comfortable to me. In case of an emergency, if I have to take someone to the hospital, I would get soon there. Thus, it is an invaluable advantage.

    In addition, little cities have less pollution than big cities. Air pollution is dangerous for health. Some studies have demonstrated that air pollution has increased every year in large cities. This air pollution is caused by industrial factories and vehicle traffic. This factories and cars steamed pollutant smoke to the air. This is important to me because I want to keep me healthy, so I cannot do that in these cities because their pollutants are harmful to my lungs. On the other hand, small cities have less pollution since they do not have big factories and vehicle traffic. This is a great benefit because it means less pollution. I want to keep me healthy so small cities are ideal for me.

    In conclusion, short distances and pollution are things that I take into account when I look for a place to live. Small cities offer me these important benefits, so I would prefer to live in small cities rather than big cities without question.

  1. glitterstar101
    Guest
    #2

    Re: Would you please review my essay

    Hi Doesxp

    While some people like to live in a metropolitan big city; I prefer to live in a quiet, comfortable small town. In my opinion, there are some advantages of living in a little town. Small towns have an easy access to anywhere so I go easily wherever I want. Also, they have less environmental pollution than big cities. I like to care for my health so this is important to me.

    Instead of beginning sentence above with "Small towns..." perhaps use something different as you explain this in the next paragraph. See below:

    Amenities are close together therefore there is no need to travel long distances.

    You write about environmental pollution but don't explain why. You could link the sentence above on amenities and explain that people don't use as many cars and there is less industrial production....You do explain it in more detail later in your essay but if you briefly explain it to your audience they will understand what your essay is going to discuss.

    The first advantage of small towns is the easy access to all of their places because they have short distances to get to anyplace. This is important to me since there are some benefits such as saving time and convenience. For example, the short drive from my house when I need to go to the mall. Short drives are quick, convenient and suitable for my needs. In case of an emergency, if I have to take someone to the hospital, I would get there soon. Thus, it is an invaluable advantage.

    In addition, little cities have less pollution than big cities. Air pollution is dangerous for health. Some studies have demonstrated that air pollution has increased every year in large cities. This air pollution is caused by industrial factories and vehicle traffic. This factories and cars steamed pollutant smoke to the air. This is important to me because I want to keep me healthy, so I cannot do that in these cities because their pollutants are harmful to my lungs. On the other hand, small cities have less pollution since they do not have big factories and vehicle traffic. This is a great benefit because it means less pollution. I want to keep myself healthy so small cities are ideal for me.

    In conclusion, short distances and pollution are important aspects that I take into account when I look for a place to live. Small cities offer me these important benefits, so I would prefer to live in small cities rather than big cities without question.



    Remember 'so' is an coordinating conjuction used between clauses so you don't need a comma.
    I agree small cities are more attractive in terms of health aspects. There is usually a stronger sense of community spirit which is often lacking in the bigger cities.

    Hope this helps
    (I am a student teacher so please take these as suggestions)


    • Join Date: Nov 2008
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    #3

    Re: Would you please review my essay

    Hi Doesxp

    While some people like to live in a metropolitan big city; I prefer to live in a quiet, comfortable small town. In my opinion, there are some advantages of living in a little town. Small towns have an easy access to anywhere so I go easily wherever I want. Also, they have less environmental pollution than big cities. I like to care for my health so this is important to me.

    Instead of beginning sentence above with "Small towns..." perhaps use something different as you explain this in the next paragraph. See below:

    Amenities are close together therefore there is no need to travel long distances.

    You write about environmental pollution but don't explain why. You could link the sentence above on amenities and explain that people don't use as many cars and there is less industrial production....You do explain it in more detail later in your essay but if you briefly explain it to your audience they will understand what your essay is going to discuss.

    The first advantage of small towns is the easy access to all of their places because they have short distances to get to anyplace. This is important to me since there are some benefits such as saving time and convenience. For example, the short drive from my house when I need to go to the mall. Short drives are quick, convenient and suitable for my needs. In case of an emergency, if I have to take someone to the hospital, I would get there soon. Thus, it is an invaluable advantage.

    In addition, small cities have less pollution than big cities.

    (You can't really say 'little' when you're talking about buildings or a group thereof.)

    Air pollution is hazardous for our health.
    (hazardous is a more appropriate adjective than dangerous in this context.)

    Some studies have demonstrated that air pollution has increased every year in large cities. This air pollution is caused by industrial factories and vehicle traffic. These factories and cars steam pollutant smoke into the air. This is important to me because I want to keep myself healthy, so I can not do that in these cities because their pollutants are harmful to my lungs. On the other hand, small cities have less pollution since they do not have big factories and vehicle traffic. This is a great benefit because it means less pollution. I want to keep myself healthy so small cities are ideal for me.

    In conclusion, short distances and pollution are important aspects that I take into account when I look for a place to live. Small cities offer me these important benefits, so I would prefer to live in small cities rather than big cities without question.



    Remember 'so' is an coordinating conjuction used between clauses so you don't need a comma.
    I agree small cities are more attractive in terms of health aspects. There is usually a stronger sense of community spirit which is often lacking in the bigger cities.

    Hope this helps
    (I am a student teacher so please take these as suggestions)

    (I am also a mere amateur, so don't hold my advice in too high esteem). The green corrections are mine, the red ones I credit to my predecessor.


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    #4

    Re: Would you please review my essay

    Thanks for your help and advices. They are very useful to me

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