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  1. #1
    stephiejo is offline Newbie
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    Default help!!! i hope this sounds better...

    Steph Fremstad
    Mrs. Nelson
    Effective Writing
    Hour 5
    Final Draft
    February 24, 2009


    The People of Poverty


    Itís a horrid world. Everywhere you go there are people living out on the streets, just hoping that someone will come along, and give them something, a little push to get their lives moving on the right track again. Anything, anything at all that would help them feed their families, give them something to hope for, or maybe just something to look forward too when they have nothing at all.
    If you walk down the streets of some of the biggest cities-the small ones too-and the countries that hardly have anything, youíll see families living on the streets, lying on cardboard scraps, and covering up with torn newspapers. Many poverty stricken families donít even have that to give them comfort. They lie on the side of the cold streets, shivering in the dark, frigid night, just prying to make it through another nights choke hold. In some countries, children lose their parents to diseases, starvation, or the governmental authorities and are forced to take care of themselves, as well as their brothers and sisters. Sometimes they often go without eating to the point of starvation so their younger siblings can have more of a substantial meal, caring more for their familyís life.
    But poverty is not just limited to people living on the streets. Itís people not having enough money to help their families through very tough financial situations. Itís when parents are unable to send their children to school or they donít have enough money to buy the necessities needed to take care of the ones they love. Poverty is having shortage on a shelter to keep each other safe, clean safe drinking water and all things that determine lifeís survival.
    Every day, families all over the globe lose everything to poverty and no one ever considers any of this as something to stand up for or to take notice of. Every single person on this planet of ours takes everything available to us for granted. I do it; I know my friends do it too, as well as everyone else in this world of ours. We donít realize that everything that we have, it could be gone tomorrow. What we have is a privilege, a gift to make our lives better and that should never be forgotten. We freak when we are unable to go somewhere or if something gets taken away from us, but these people, they have, basically, lost everything, and we never even stop to think. We go to bed every night with a blanket or a pillow, and some donít even have that.
    If we spent one week with only the clothes on our back and were left in a strange city where we donít recognize a single face around and where we live on no thing but our own skin, maybe then we could actually learn something, and someday poverty would end and the world would actually start to become a better place. But if we donít try, try to help the people living in poverty, the world would be the same as it has always been: People having nothing, fights between different races and different religions, people hating other people because of how they live or how they were brought up, it might even get worse, but one thing that will stay the same: families will be in poverty and people wonít even try and make it better.
    There are so many things that have played a part in the cause of poverty, there are so many that no one would ever be able to name them all. Some of those causes are recession. The Great Depression caused a huge incline in the amount of families in poverty throughout the world and caused many people to lose everything that they had. Families were forced to sell everything, yet they were still pushed to poverty. Democracy, weak rule of law, and economic inequality also force families to become povertyís victims.
    When there is a cause of something, an effect usually follows quickly behind. In this cause, poverty has many effects. While living through poverty, families have suffered from harmful and deadly diseases such Malaria and AIDS, deaths; theyíve dealt with violence, drugs, and pregnancies and children, who are forced into poverty, they usually end up becoming victims, or cause violence themselves. Poverty victims are also less immune to many of these harmful diseases; therefore their chances of incurable diseases are much higher than anyone else. Children born into poverty normally have low birth weights and may end up dealing with physical or mental disabilities while growing up, and more times than not, poverty can cause families to become homeless.
    Poverty has been around for the longest time and there really is no solution for it. Organizations such as ONE, Poverty Fighters, and Freedom from Hunger have been raising money for poverty for years. Though it has helped, it never really helped any of these wonderful families find a new home or given them a better life. The only way poverty could possibly end, or even start to diminish, would be if people actually stopped to think about anyone but themselves for once. If people actually considered for once that there are more people out there who need our help, maybe some day, poverty would actually start disappear, but because no one cares enough to help these families through this tragic life style, poverty will always continue to exist and there will always be people out there who will think that the families living with this terrible life, they should get out of poverty on their own make it better, if they donít want to live this way, but these families, they do try, they try every day of their lives to make everything better. To make most of what they have. These people living through poverty are strong people, they go days and days with out having the things that we have, and most of these people make it to see the next day. More people need to actually understand, because no one ever does. They need to actually look at these people and realize they need help and that poverty needs to end.

  2. #2
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    Default Re: help!!! i hope this sounds better...

    I think you should re-read what you have written:

    It’s a horrid world. Everywhere you go there are people living out on the streets, just hoping that someone will come along, and give them something,
    Why the comma?

    a little push to get their lives moving on the right track again. Anything, anything at all that would help them feed their families, give them something to hope for, or maybe just something to look forward too when they have nothing at all.

    If you walk down the streets of some of the biggest cities-the small ones too-and the countries that hardly have anything,
    Does this juxtaposition of ideas make sense? You are talking about 'walking down streets' and then add 'AND the countries that hardly have anything'

    poverty stricken : poverty-stricken

    just prying to make it through another nights choke hold :just trying to make it through another night's chokehold

    children lose their parents to diseases, starvation, or the governmental authorities and are forced to take care of themselves,
    Do you mean the parents succumb to a couple of diseases simultaneously?? - it should be singular, 'disease'
    "children lose their parents to disease, (or) starvation, or the government authorities and are forced..." : This is a new one. I know children who are abused are removed from their parents by the authorities; but why are the authorities 'adopting' out the parents??

    Try re-reading what you have written with a fresh eye.
    Last edited by David L.; 28-Feb-2009 at 07:41.

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