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    #1

    dear friends please evaluate my essay for general training Ielts

    Essay about different cultures and ethnic groups in a country
    How would be our feeling if all people be identical and “cloned”? Which garden could be interesting,When all flowers and trees have the same shape,color ?different ethnics and cultures are product of a long time periods,and this differences improves the level of total culture of a country,but also prepares the occasion for amusement and entertainment.


    Human even though had common origin ,but from thousands years ago due to living in geographically-separated and different environments gradually attained different languages ,cultures and customs.which,most of these sides of human life during hundreds of years formed ethnic groups ,and all special symbols formalized in oral or written regulation or rules that had been teaching from parents to children and so on.


    In countries that several ethnicity exist ,I believe , total society panorama is like a mosaic with various beautiful colors ,beside each other, forming beautiful picture .Although ,there are several opinions, but democracy bases on different groups .Such a condition helps preventing unilateral governing without any opposition.so this differences that may be assumed as a threat ,really,amplifies the total countries social power.

    Even,the life and culture of any ethnic group is very normal for themselves,but as this is different with other peoples in a country it is very interesting and full of amusement for either citizens or foreigners to visit all part of an ethnic life.Every year millions of people traveling to see cultures,costomes and ways of “strange life”.Tourists expend their money for local clothes,foods etc.


    Simply understandable that all different ethnics and cultures neglecting their origin,reinforcing social power and making a foundation for amusement and leisure.


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    #2

    Re: please evaluate my essay for general training Ielts

    Is my essay is so hard nobody couldn't have any assessment?

  1. tareq10's Avatar
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    #3

    Smile Re: dear friends please evaluate my essay for general training Ielts

    Quote Originally Posted by salza View Post
    Essay about different cultures and ethnic groups in a country


    How would be our feeling if all people werebe identical and “cloned”? Which garden could be interesting,When all flowers and trees have the same shape and color. Different ethnics and cultures are product of a long time periods,and thesethis differences improves the level of whole total culture of a country,but also prepares the occasion for amusement and entertainment.


    Human even though had common origin ,but from thousands years ago due to living in geographically-separated and different environments gradually attained different languages ,cultures and customs.whichmost of these sides of human life during hundreds of years formed ethnic groups ,and all special symbols formalized in oral or written regulation or rules that had been teaching from parents to children and so on.


    In countries that several ethnicity exist ,I believe , total society panorama is like a mosaic with various beautiful colors ,beside each other, forming a beautiful picture .Although there are several opinions, but democracy is based bases on different groups .Such a condition helps preventing unilateral governing without any opposition.so this differences that may be assumed as a threat ,really,amplifies the total countries social power.

    Even,the life and culture of any ethnic group is very normal for themselves,but as this is different with other peoples in a country it is very interesting and full of amusement for either citizens or foreigners to visit all part of an ethnic life.Every year millions of people traveling to see cultures,costomes and ways of “strange life”.Tourists expend their money for local clothes,foods etc.


    Simply understandable that all different ethnics and cultures neglecting their origin,reinforcing social power and making a foundation for amusement and leisure.
    well it's not so bad but you need to check it again

  2. Monticello's Avatar
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    #4

    Re: dear friends please evaluate my essay for general training Ielts

    Hi tareq10,

    Your essay requires not just simple edit mark-ups, but also extensive revisions (requiring rewordings and reconstructions) in order to correctly convey the meanings you appear to intend. Perhaps this is the reason you have received so few posts offering suggestions for improving your essay -- this kind of assessment takes more time and effort.

    Please let me take the time to edit & revise your first paragraph by way of example:
    How would be our feeling if all people be identical and “cloned”? What would it feel like if all living things had been cloned and were thus identical? Which garden could be interesting Wwhen all flowers and trees have the same shape and color? dDifferent ethnics ethnicities and cultures are the product of a long time periods. and this These differences not only improves the level of total culture of a country a country's total culture, but also prepares give rise to the occasions for amusement and entertainment.
    After reviewing my suggestions above for your first paragraph, perhaps you can begin to understand the level of editing you are asking for here.

    Rather than mark up the rest of your essay as I have done for your first paragraph above, perhaps you could benefit from first attempting to rewrite your essay --paying special attention to the clarity of your sentence construction and the flow of your logical ideas.

    Please post back here if you need further suggestions and guidance.

  3. tareq10's Avatar
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    #5

    Re: dear friends please evaluate my essay for general training Ielts

    Quote Originally Posted by salza View Post
    Essay about different cultures and ethnic groups in a country




    How would be our feeling if all people be identical and “cloned”? Which garden could be interesting,When all flowers and trees have the same shape,color ?different ethnics and cultures are product of a long time periods,and this differences improves the level of total culture of a country,but also prepares the occasion for amusement and entertainment.


    Human even though had common origin ,but from thousands years ago due to living in geographically-separated and different environments gradually attained different languages ,cultures and customs.which,most of these sides of human life during hundreds of years formed ethnic groups ,and all special symbols formalized in oral or written regulation or rules that had been teaching from parents to children and so on.


    In countries that several ethnicity exist ,I believe , total society panorama is like a mosaic with various beautiful colors ,beside each other, forming beautiful picture .Although ,there are several opinions, but democracy bases on different groups .Such a condition helps preventing unilateral governing without any opposition.so this differences that may be assumed as a threat ,really,amplifies the total countries social power.

    Even,the life and culture of any ethnic group is very normal for themselves,but as this is different with other peoples in a country it is very interesting and full of amusement for either citizens or foreigners to visit all part of an ethnic life.Every year millions of people traveling to see cultures,costomes and ways of “strange life”.Tourists expend their money for local clothes,foods etc.


    Simply understandable that all different ethnics and cultures neglecting their origin,reinforcing social power and making a foundation for amusement and leisure.
    I'm really sorry, I don't have enough time to revise the whole essay carfully

  4. Monticello's Avatar
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    #6

    Re: dear friends please evaluate my essay for general training Ielts

    Hi tareq10,

    Sorry about any confusion that I may have caused by mistakenly addressing my last post to you.

    Hi salza,

    My previous post was really meant to be addressed to you -- the writer of the essay which began this thread. Please permit me to cut & paste that post here just to avoid any further confusion:

    Your essay requires not just simple edit mark-ups, but also extensive revisions (requiring rewordings and reconstructions) in order to correctly convey the meanings you appear to intend. Perhaps this is the reason you have received so few posts offering suggestions for improving your essay -- this kind of assessment takes more time and effort.

    Please let me take the time to edit & revise your first paragraph by way of example:
    How would be our feeling if all people be identical and “cloned”? What would it feel like if all living things had been cloned and were thus identical? Which garden could be interesting Wwhen all flowers and trees have the same shape and color? dDifferent ethnics ethnicities and cultures are the product of a long time periods. and this These differences not only improves the level of total culture of a country a country's total culture, but also prepares give rise to the occasions for amusement and entertainment.
    After reviewing my suggestions above for your first paragraph, perhaps you can begin to understand the level of editing you are asking for here.

    Rather than mark up the rest of your essay as I have done for your first paragraph above, perhaps you could benefit from first attempting to rewrite your essay --paying special attention to the clarity of your sentence construction and the flow of your logical ideas.

    Please post back here if you need further suggestions and guidance.


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    #7

    Re: dear friends please evaluate my essay for general training Ielts

    Dear monticello

    I am really glad of your notes.and use all of them accurately.As you are an experienced teacher,please kindly grade my writing as an foreign language candidate for Ielts,to know my condition.
    I will be proud if have your advice.
    salaheddin zandi

  5. Monticello's Avatar
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    #8

    Re: dear friends please evaluate my essay for general training Ielts

    Hi salza,

    In order to grade your essay according to IELTS standards, one would need to have an IELTS grading rubric. Do you have one, or can you help with information concerning obtaining one?


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    #9

    Re: dear friends please evaluate my essay for general training Ielts

    Quote Originally Posted by Monticello View Post
    Hi salza,

    In order to grade your essay according to IELTS standards, one would need to have an IELTS grading rubric. Do you have one, or can you help with information concerning obtaining one?
    I think that's on British Council's website. But to be honest, it is probably not a good idea to ask a teacher or a native speaker who is not familiar with IELTS to grade the essay. However, it is good to have someone correct the grammatical mistakes, as well as cohesion and coherence. The reason why I said that is that the IELTS essay is usually very short (about 250 -350 words) but many English teachers think we should develop our ideas thoroughly. Aside from that, I think the grading system of IELTS is quite complicated.

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