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  1. #1
    LostInGoogleLand is offline Newbie
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    Post Text about Elvis - correction, please.

    Hello. I wrote something about Elvis Presley and I need your help to correct it, because I'm sure you'll find numerous mistakes :)

    As for the biggest star of the 50s, we have chosen Elvis Presley. Born 8th January 1935, died 16th August 1977, was an American singer, actor, and musician. He is commonly known simply as "Elvis", and is also referred to as "The King of Rock 'n' Roll"
    Elvis Aaron Presley, the king of rock'n'roll, a cultural icon, probably the most important figure in the music industry of XX century. Permanently changed american music, creating new style, which uniquely integrated in itself miscellaneous seemingly incompatible impacts. As time went by Elvis began musical revolution, which engendered global cultural transformation.
    He sold about 1 billion albums worldwide. In The United Stated his 112 albums and singles have reached Gold, Platinium or Multiplatinium, leaving other artists far away behind him.
    Amongst his numerous awards, Elvis has 14 nomination for The Grammy awards (which he won only 3 during his career) and also won Grammy for his Lifetime Achievement at the age of 36.
    His talent, beauty, sex-appeal, charisma and sense of humor, humbleness and his deep sense of humanity affiliated him millions of fans all over the globe. In 1972 Presley toured over the States and was planning to do a European Tour, but in 16th August 1977 he died in Graceland in his Memphis property. He was only 42. After his death his fame turned into a legend. Many people even to this day do not believe in their idol's death saying that Presley has fabricated his death to start a new life far away from people. From time to time in the media appear some sensations about seeing the King in a store all over the USA.
    Today, 25 years after his death, Elvis still is one of the most seminal person in the music and cultural industry. He's recognized by every generation. Elvis permanently sticked himself in the American history, the world's history and in the music's history. Some of us still believe that Elvis is alive...


    Thank you for your help :)

  2. #2
    Monticello's Avatar
    Monticello is offline Member
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    Default Re: Text about Elvis - correction, please.

    Hi LostInGoogleLand,

    I've marked up your original text -- in red --and added comments -- in blue -- below:

    As for the biggest star of the 50s, we (Who are you referring to as "we" here? If you happen to be of royal lineage and now occupy a ruling position as a reigning monarch, then "we" here is OK. Otherwise, if "we" here refers to you & someone else, then be clear about who the someone else is; if not use "I" -- which is what you really intend.) I have chosen Elvis Presley. , (Replace your period with a comma here.) who was Born born 8th January 1935, and died 16th August 1977, and was an American singer, actor, and musician. He is Though commonly known simply as "Elvis", and he is also referred to as "The King of Rock 'n' Roll."

    Elvis Aaron Aron (Elvis' middle name does not use the common spelling, i.e., "Aaron" it has only one 'a': "Aron.") Presley, the king of rock'n'roll "The King of Rock 'n' Roll", (You've just referred to this title in your previous sentence, so obviously you understand the need for capitilization. Observe it here then in your next sentence. The use of this title twice so closely placed, however, begs the question: Why not somehow combine these two sentences into one so as to escape the unnecessary restatement of the title, or delete its second use entirely?) a cultural icon, was probably arguably the most important figure in the popular music industry of XX the twentieth century. (Do you really mean "industry" here? Perhaps, -but from reading your entire piece, I think that you really intend "history" here. Then why not: "... was arguably the most important figure in the history of 20th century popular music.") Elvis Permanently permanently changed american American music, creating a new style, which uniquely integrated in itself miscellaneous seemingly incompatible impacts. (I think I understand what you are trying to say here, but your phrasing is very unclear. Why don't you try to rephrase this for the sake of clarity?) As time went by Over time, Elvis began a musical revolution which that engendered a global cultural transformation.
    He sold about 1 billion albums worldwide. In The United Stated his 112 albums and singles have reached have gone Gold, Platinium or Multiplatinium, Multi-Platinium, leaving other artists far away behind him. far outpacing other artists. Amongst his numerous awards, Elvis has 14 nomination for The Grammy awards received 14 Grammy Award nominations (of which he won only 3 three (Spell out all numbers from one to ten.) during his career) and also won Grammy for his Lifetime Achievement was honored with a Grammy Lifetime Achievement Award at the age of 36. His talent, beauty, sex-appeal, charisma, and sense of humor, humbleness, and his deep sense of humanity affiliated him (The word "affiliated" normally has a business sense to it. E.g., "Elvis was affiliated with Capitol Records ... " Find a better word or phrase to substitute here. Perhaps you mean something like "won the hearts of") millions of fans all over the globe.

    In 1972 Presley toured over the States US and was planning to do a European Tour, but in on 16th August 1977 he died in at Graceland, in his Memphis property. He was only 42. After his death, (A comma is necessary here.) his fame turned into a to legend. Even to this day, many people do not believe in their idol's death, saying believing instead that Presley has fabricated his death in order to start a new life far away from people. From time to time in the media, there appears some sensations -- a sighting of about seeing the The King. in a store all over the USA.

    Today, 25 years after his death, Elvis still is one of the most seminal person forces in the music and cultural industry. He's recognized by every generation. Elvis permanently sticked himself has made a permanent mark in the American history, the world's world history, and in the music's popular music history. Some of us still believe that Elvis is alive... (This final sentence weakens your closing, as it appears to relate to your previous mentioned conjecture surrounding Elvis' death. Also, an ellipsis does have its place. But here? It only seems to add to the weakness already mentioned.)
    Last edited by Monticello; 11-Mar-2009 at 03:42.

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