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  1. #1
    Solaris is offline Newbie
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    Talking Correction of a small memoir. (high school assignment)

    Hey there, I was wondering if you guys could correct my small memoir. I'm in 10th grade, and it's a pretty important assignment. Any and all suggestions are HIGHLY appreciated. Thanks!


    It was another regular day like any other. Today was Friday, school was over, and I was about to head to the New York Sports Club, which is a local gym. My friend Leon decided to tag along today, which was weird since he never worked out on Fridays. So, we headed to the gym and grabbed some protein shakes at a nearby Seven-Eleven.
    When we got to the gym there weren't too many people there, so we quickly changed and decided to get to work. After a few exercises Leon wanted to show off his bench pressing skills, even though he had an injury from a few months ago, and the doctor told him that he had to take it easy with the weightlifting. I told him to cool it for a bit, since we had a lot of exercises left, and people started rushing into the gym after work. I knew that he wouldn't listen for too long though, and would eventually do something stupid. I just hoped that he wouldn't get hurt trying to lift a weight that he wasn't able to do.
    So, our workout was nearly over, I finished up my last set of deadlifts and told Leon that I'd be right back after I finished filling up my water bottle. I thought to myself “man, this kid's probably gonna do something stupid while I'm gone.”. When I was returning I saw a crowd of 6 or 7 guys around the bench press, and on the bench was Leon! He put up 315 lbs on the Bench Press, something that he never tried before and was never able to do. I quickly ran up to him and told him that he'd get hurt, but his ego got the best of him and he decided to go for it anyways. He had a pretty big guy spotting him, so I thought it wouldn't be too bad. Little did I know what was going to happen soon.
    Leon was counting down till the big lift “1...2...3...LIFT!” and the guy spotting him struggled to get the weight up. Leon said “I got it” and the second that the big guy let go of the weight, it crashed down on Leon within a fraction of a second. We heard a tear, and Leon started suffocating, barely getting the weight off of him, Leon fell unconscious. We had to call the paramedics and they told us that Leon had tore a chest muscle and wouldn't be able to train his upper body for over a year, and that the weight crushed his lungs causing him to fall unconscious. They said that had we not been there, that he would've probably suffocated due to the immense weight.
    What a crazy night I thought to myself as I walked home from the gym. “I bet Leon will listen to me now, that idiot.” I said to myself. Afterwards I went home, and the next day I was allowed to see my friend in the hospital. The doctors said that he'd be out in a few days, and that he had to recuperate. Leon had to get his chest muscles stitched up, and when he woke up he saw me next to him. He said “Oh man Sergey, you were right, and I'm an idiot for letting my ego get the best of me.”. I smiled knowing that he'd only say such a thing if he truly meant it. And the moral of the story is that you shouldn't let your ego get the best of you, and don't lift weights that you know you can't handle, especially when you're injured.

  2. #2
    susiedqq is offline Key Member
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    Default Re: Correction of a small memoir. (high school assignment)

    Friday was another regular day like any other. School was over and I was about to head over to the New York Sports Club, the local gym. My friend Leon decided to tag along today, which was weird since he never worked out on Fridays. We headed to the gym after grabbing some protein shakes at a nearby Seven-Eleven.

    When we got to the gym there weren't too many people there, so we quickly changed and decided to get to work. After a few exercises, Leon wanted to show off his bench pressing skills, even though he had an injury from a few months ago. The doctor even told him to take it easy with his weightlifting. I warned him to cool it for a bit, since we had many exercises to do before people started rushing into the gym after work. I knew that he wouldn't listen for too long though, and would eventually do something stupid. I just hoped that he wouldn't get hurt trying to lift a weight that he wasn't able to do.

    Our workout was nearly over. I finished my last set of deadlifts and told Leon that I'd be right back after filling my water bottle. I thought to myself, “Man, this kid's probably gonna do something stupid while I'm gone.” Walking back, I saw a crowd of 6 or 7 guys around the bench press gualking, and there on the bench was Leon! He put 315 lbs on the Bench Press, something that he never even tried before. I quickly ran over and warned him that he'd get hurt. But he decided to go for it anyways.

    He had a pretty big guy spotting him, so I thought he would be safe. Little did I know what was going to happen then. Leon began counting down until the big lift, “1...2...3...LIFT!” The guy spotting him struggled to get the weight up. Leon yelled, “I got it,” but the second the big guy let go of the weight, it crashed down on Leon. We heard a ripping sound and Leon started choking, barely lifting off the weight. Then he fell unconscious. Someone called the paramedics who later told us that Leon had torn his chest muscle and wouldn't be able to train his upper body for at least a year. The sheer weight crushed his lungs, causing him to fall unconscious. They said that had we not been there, he would have surely suffocated due to the immense weight. What a crazy night, I thought to myself as I walked home from the gym.

    The next day I was allowed to see my friend in the hospital. The doctors said he'd be out in a few days, but that he had a long recuperation. Leon had to get his chest muscles stitched up and when he woke up, he saw me sitting there, right next to him. He said, “Oh man, Sergey. You were right and I'm an idiot for letting my ego get the best of me.” I smiled knowing that he'd only say such a thing if he truly meant it.

    The moral of the story is that you shouldn't let your ego get the best of you and don't lift weights that you know you can't handle, especially when you're injured.

    **********************************8

    You are a good storyteller!

    Look at some samples of conversations within paragraphs. Notice where the comma goes before the quote marks " *****," he said.

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