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  1. RoseSpring's Avatar
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    #1

    Do these articles sound good in Enlish ? please help

    I have translated these 2 articles from Arabic to English, and I want to know whether they sound good in English or not , and if there are any mistakes either in style or in grammer !



    Thanks in advance



    The beauty of the countryside



    Some consider the countryside as a kind of an exile , but I believe that I have spent the best days of my life there, as the countryside gave me the chance to continue my study , and to enjoy the beautiful nature . There , I never missed a day without waking up at 4 or 5 o'clock in the morning , and walk in the dewy fields during the nature's silence that brings reliefe . Then I wait till the sun rises and greet it , and gaze if in a prayer . However , there are thousands of people who do not have a single idea about such kind of prayers , and have never had that religious feelings of such connection with nature in those open fields . In fact , I wish I could return to that kind of solitude from time to time . By the way , one could never neglect the sight of the moon in the country side , as it casts its charm upon everything . That is why the people who see the moon through the windows in the city , can not realize the real glamour of this planet .



    It was originally written by Salama Mosa (Moses ) : A well-known Egyptian thinker and writer .



    __________________________________________________ ________


    The cursed car !




    I once had a car with which I had a very hard time . the problem was that , it exhausted all the fuel and it was not enough, however . It was really a very difficult time , that it came up to my mind to connect its tank with oil-wells of Mosel ( a city in Iraq famous for oil ) . Moreover , its radiator was boiling like the boiler after just few minutes of driving , then the red light in the car would begin to flash as a sign of danger. As a result , I had to stop , and after a while continue driving , and the same thing happened every time I drove it .



    In fact , that was the case in Winter ; so, how would it be like in summer ? ! Actually , I started to buy ice instead of water , and fill the car's radiator with it . Furthermore , I had never driven it without putting boards of ice at the back seat .


    Sometimes, I used to drive it with feelings of meeriness , content and satisfaction , however , after a while , I would hear a sound saying : Kr…..kr…..kr…… , as one of its back wheels got out of its track , running away in the street .

  2. RonBee's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: Do these articles sound good in Enlish ? please help

    Quote Originally Posted by tasneemspring View Post
    I have translated these 2 articles from Arabic to English, and I want to know whether they sound good in English or not , and if there are any mistakes either in style or in grammer !




    Thanks in advance



    The beauty of the countryside



    Some consider the countryside as a kind of an exile , but I believe that I have spent the best days of my life there, as the countryside gave me the chance to continue my study , and to enjoy the beautiful nature . There , I never missed a day without waking up at 4 or 5 o'clock in the morning , and walk in the dewy fields during the nature's silence that brings reliefe . Then I wait till the sun rises and greet it , and gaze if in a prayer . However , there are thousands of people who do not have a single idea about such kind of prayers , and have never had that religious feelings of such connection with nature in those open fields . In fact , I wish I could return to that kind of solitude from time to time . By the way , one could never neglect the sight of the moon in the country side , as it casts its charm upon everything . That is why the people who see the moon through the windows in the city , can not realize the real glamour of this planet .



    It was originally written by Salama Mosa (Moses ) : A well-known Egyptian thinker and writer .



    __________________________________________________ ________
    Say:
    continue my studies
    Try:
    the wonders of nature
    Say:
    waking up at 4 or 5 in the morning and walking in the dewy fields
    Say:
    as if in prayer


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    #3

    Re: Do these articles sound good in Enlish ? please help

    Some consider the countryside to be a kind of exile but I believe that I have spent the best days of my life there. The countryside gave me the chance to continue my studies and to enjoy the wonders of nature. Every day I awoke at 4 or 5 o'clock in the morning and walked the dewy fields in peaceful solitude. I would wait until the sun rose, greet it and gaze as if in a prayer. However there are thousands of people who do not share my view and have never had those religious feelings or felt such a connection with nature. In fact I wish I could return to that kind of solitude from time to time. Furthermore one can never underestimate the sight of the moon in the countryside as it casts its charm upon everything. That is why people who see the moon through their windows in the city cannot realise its real beauty.

    That is how I would write it. The translation is probably less literal ie word for word but written this way it has a better flow in English. The moon is not a planet of course, it is a moon so I have deleted the reference it it being a planet. I hope that this helps.
    Last edited by PaulMcElhinney; 21-Mar-2009 at 02:06.


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    #4

    Re: Do these articles sound good in Enlish ? please help

    I have just spotted a typing error in my piece above. Countryside is one word not two.


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    #5

    Re: Do these articles sound good in Enlish ? please help

    I once had a very troublesome car. The problem was that it was very heavy on fuel and frequently ran out. It really was a very difficult time for me. I had an dream about connecting its tank with oil wells of Mosel, a city in Iraq famous for oil. Moreover, its radiator was overheating like a boiler after just few minutes of driving. The red light in the car would then begin to flash a warning. As a result I had to stop, wait a while then continue driving. The same thing happened every time I drove it.

    In fact it was this bad in winter so imagine what it was like in summer. Eventually I started to buy ice instead of water and fill the car's radiator with it. I never drove it without putting supplies of ice on the back seat.


    Sometimes I used to drive it with feelings of contentment and satisfaction. However after a while I would hear a banging sound and would watch as one of the back wheels broke free, running away in the street .

    That's how I would write this piece in English. I assume that the reference to boards of ice on the back seat means supplies to put into the radiator? That was my assumption and the premise upon which I have amended your translation.

    Kind regards,


    Paul McElhinney.

  3. Monticello's Avatar
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    #6

    Re: Do these articles sound good in Enlish ? please help

    Hi tasneemspring,

    Below, I've provided corrections and comments to your first passage:


    The beauty Beauty of the countryside Countryside

    (Please note the corrected capitalization here, which follows general rules set out in The Chicago Manual of Styles, the accepted American standard for titles. If a different standard for titles exists for you, research it and then apply it to your titles.)


    Some consider the countryside as a kind of an exile(Space deleted here.), but I believe that I have spent the best days of my life there, as the countryside gave me the chance to continue my study studies(Space deleted here.), and to enjoy the beautiful nature(Space deleted here.). There(Space deleted here.), I never missed a day without waking up at 4 or 5 o'clock in the morning(Space deleted here.), and walk to walk (PaulMcElhinney suggests replacing "and walk" with "and walked," but this replacement -- using the simple past, a one time occurrence -- contrasts with what is intended: an ongoing habit that is performed many times. Though the gerund "walking," suggesting a continuing action, would also suffice here, the use of the infinitive is more to the point.) in the dewy fields during the nature's silence that brings reliefe relief(Space deleted here.). Then I would wait till the sun rises and would greet it(Space deleted here.), and gaze gazing (- to be consistent with the action of a continuous occurrence.) as if in (a) (While the use of the article "a" is not necessarily incorrect here, deleting it is more to the point: It is probably not a particular prayer that is meant here, rather prayer -- generally speaking --itself.) prayer(Space deleted here.). However(Space deleted here.), there are thousands of people who do not have a single idea about such kind of prayers (The use of the plural here -- prayers -- confirms the general aspect commented on above.)(Space deleted here.), and have never had that religious feelings that religious feeling (- if feeling is to be singular, or those religious feelings, if feeling is to be plural. I think the singular works best here, since it concerns a specific response to a specific stimulus.) of such connection with nature in those open fields(Space deleted here.). In fact(Space deleted here.), I wish I could return to that kind of solitude from time to time(Space deleted here.). By the way(Space deleted here.), one could never neglect the sight of the moon in the country side countryside (Please be consistent; it is one word)(Space deleted here.), as it casts its charm upon everything(Space deleted here.). That is why the people who see the moon through the windows in the city(Space deleted here.), can not cannot (Though can not may be rendered as two words, it is usually combined as one.) realize the real glamour of this planet(Space deleted here.). (The comment by PaulMcElhinney about the moon not being a planet does not apply here. By "this planet" the author means, our Earth, and not our moon.)

    It was - originally written by Salama Mosa (Moses ) : A , a well-known Egyptian thinker and writer
    (Italicize your citation.)
    Last edited by Monticello; 25-Mar-2009 at 18:28.

  4. Monticello's Avatar
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    #7

    Re: Do these articles sound good in Enlish ? please help

    Hello again, tasneemspring,


    Below, I've provided corrections and comments to your second passage:



    The cursed car ! Cursed Car!
    (- A wonderfully alliterative title! Regarding capitalization: The same comments about titles that I provided for your first passage (above -- previous post) apply here. Also, please note that there should be no space between the last letter of "Car" and your exclamation point.)

    I once had a car, with which I had a very hard time . or I should say "The car had me." (Here, with a quick turn of phrase, you express more with less: (1) - that you had a very hard time with it: (2) - a play with words; (3) - turning the cliche "... (once) had me." to your benefit; (4) - humor. Always look for opportunities like this when you write!) the problem was that , it exhausted all the fuel and it was not enough, however . It was really a very difficult time , that it came up to my mind to connect its tank with oil-wells of Mosel ( a city in Iraq famous for oil ). To say that the car wasn't very fuel-efficient would be like saying _____________ (Here, you open up another opportunity for humor. Be creative. Supply your own line here, as any line I might provide would probably lose its "punch" due to our cultural differences. But here's a working model for you: "... would be like saying that XXXX wasn't the very best US president." Get the idea?) Let's just let it suffice to say that the thought did occur to me connect its fuel tank with the oil-wells of Mosel. ( a city in Iraq famous for oil ). (Unless your reading audience would not know about Mosel's fame for oil, don't explain your joke.)

    Moreover , its radiator was boiling like the boiler after just few minutes of driving , And problems didn't end with its fuel-efficiency. (This sentence provides the necessary transition to your next topic -) Take its radiator. Please! (I can't resist here evoking a famous line of the late Henny Youngman -- a great and beloved American comedian. This definitely falls into the "it's so bad, (that) it's good" category of humor. Evoking this famous well-worn line (follow the link for Henny Youngman I've provided above for more background) breaks the rule I mentioned to you in a previous post about avoiding clichés. Why? (1) As already mentioned "it's so bad, it's good; (2) the image these few words create -- for an American audience -- is one of a "very tired" marriage; (3) - your car thus becomes personified.) Its heat was so intense (How intense was it???) that It would have been the envy of any witch's cauldron. (Now your personification has taken on a sinister -- but still humorous -- tone. If the image I've supplied here doesn't work for you, then replace the underlined words with your own.) then the red light in the car would begin to flash as a sign of danger. When the dashboard light would begin to flash red, I didn't know what to think. Was I hexed? Was it about to explode? Was I about to be ejected in style -- a la James Bond's Aston Martin? ...Or maybe the thing was just overheating? (Coming back to your senses here, you imply that the thing was driving you mad.) As a result , I had to stop , and after a while continue driving , and the same thing happened every time I drove it . The only way that I kept my sanity that winter was by ... stopping and starting ,,, stopping and starting ,,, stopping and starting ... to allow both of us the chance to cool down!

    In fact , that was the case in Winter ; so, how would it be like in summer ? ! I did happen to mention that this was winter. Didn't I? (Checking with your reader here presents a mock-chance that you may not yet have returned to full sanity. - A little self-deprecating humor, which I wouldn't hesitate to use here. By doing so, you are at the same time making a smooth transition here -- "hiding your technique.") So can you imagine what that radiator would be like in summer? (Within expository writing, "... that radiator would have been ..." would be preferred. But with the genre of a humor piece, one has much more liberty. Here, "... that radiator would be ..." works better.) Actually(Space deleted here.), I started to buy ice instead of water(Space deleted here.), and fill the car's radiator with it(Space deleted here.). Furthermore , It became a habit. That winter I had never driven drove it a mile (Would you use kilometers? -Then replace "mile" with "kilometer." I don't know if simply "kilo" would work here for you. Is so, then use this instead.) without putting stashing boards of ice at in the back seat(Space deleted here.).

    Sometimes, At times, the thing would tease me with brief periods of bliss, where I used to would be driving drive it with feelings of meeriness along on my merry way, content and satisfaction satisfied, however , after a while , I would hear a sound saying : And then -- kr…..kr…..kr…… -- (- an excellent use of onomatopeia!) it would snap me back to reality, as just in time so as not to miss seeing one of its back wheels got out of its track , freed from its axle and running away in the street.

    (A real ending is called for here.) How or on whom I ever unloaded that cursed thing, now escapes me. (My memory serves me well here.) Boy, don't I miss it! (- Sarcasm.)
    Last edited by Monticello; 26-Mar-2009 at 08:02.

  5. RoseSpring's Avatar
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    #8

    Re: Do these articles sound good in Enlish ? please help

    Thank you indeed all of you for helping me. Much obliged Mr. Montecillo, and conerning the position of commas, I do not really leave a space between a word and the comma that follows it, but when i change the fond everything is just ruined.


    One more thing, regarding the corrections of the first article, they helped me a lot, thanks. I did not undersatnd, however, the corrections concerning the next one, and it seems to me that you are composing a new article. In a translation we are not suppose to compose things, just to translate. Anyway, thanks indeed.

    Tasneemspring

  6. Monticello's Avatar
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    #9

    Re: Do these articles sound good in Enlish ? please help

    Hi tasneemspring,

    I do not really leave a space between a word and the comma that follows it, but when i change the font everything is just ruined.

    Hmmm.... Strange. I wonder why that would happen.

    RE: You second article: My mistake. From the way it read, I just assumed that it was an original piece. Also, unlike your first article, which had an attribution, the second one had none. - Thus my assumption.

    But you know what they say when you assume. (You make an ass out of u and me.)

    Oh well ... Your writing still might benefit from the corrections and suggestions I left.

    - All the best.

  7. RonBee's Avatar
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    #10

    Re: Do these articles sound good in Enlish ? please help

    Quote Originally Posted by tasneemspring View Post




    I once had a car with which I had a very hard time .
    That is, perhaps, a direct translation. However, in English it would be:
    I once had a car which gave me a very hard time.
    (You could use the original sentence, but it isn't very idiomatic.)

    We don't translate word for word from one language to another. For example, in Spanish the adjective usually comes after the noun it modifies. So a direct translation from Spanish might be: "He lives in a house white." But that would not be English. To put that sentence we would have to say: "He lives in a white house."

    (Better to have one story per thread.)


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