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  1. #1
    Ever Student's Avatar
    Ever Student is offline Senior Member
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    Post Would you please read my poem?

    Hi everyone,
    Would you please read my poem and give your suggestion?

    There is a greenlight,
    in a triangle white
    It is an island
    Take me to the land
    Tell me about there
    My soul belongs there
    Do you believe in Sargasso?
    Take me to Sargasso
    I would get there,
    If I knew where were

    Thanks,

  2. #2
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    Default Re: Would you please read my poem?

    Taghavi! I read your poem, and I quite like it. It is your poem, so you have a right to put in it any words you like. However, just to get the English right, you might like to change the last two lines to: 'I would go there/If I knew where 'there' was'
    Good luck with your poetry. (See if you can find a book of Robert Frost's poems. I particularly like his poems. They are more like stories.)


    Mark
    Rocky Gully, Western Australia

  3. #3
    konungursvia's Avatar
    konungursvia is offline Key Member
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    Default Re: Would you please read my poem?

    Yes, it's really nice. I'd write "If I knew where it were" or "If I only knew where" at the end.

  4. #4
    Ever Student's Avatar
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    Default Re: Would you please read my poem?

    Hi, Mark and Konungursvia-
    Thank you so much for your kindness and attention. And revising the last two lines. I like Robert Frost's poems too. I would also like to read William Blake's ones.
    I will send sometimes my poems to the forum. Don't you mind reading them and give me your sugestion?

    Beest regards,
    Leila

  5. #5
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    Wink would you please tell me the weak points of my poem?

    Hello everybody,

    Would you please give your suggestion on my poem?



    "violet, creeping jasmines
    With green, rising fingers
    Tuned the yellow violon
    Sat on the blue heaven

    orange, dancing sholders
    through the red carpets
    bridged across colors"



    I am looking forward to hearing your opinions.
    Thanks,

  6. #6
    Soup's Avatar
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    Default Re: would you please tell me the weak points of my poem?

    It's very beautiful indeed. All looks good, with the exception of this line:
    Sat on the blue heaven
    What about?

    Sitting on ....
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    violin
    shoulders

  7. #7
    Ever Student's Avatar
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    Default Re: would you please tell me the weak points of my poem?

    Hello,
    Thank you for your reading and revising.
    Can "sat" remain unchanged in the poem?
    because when I changed "sat" into "sitting" I think the rhyme wouldn't match with the others.

  8. #8
    Soup's Avatar
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    Default Re: would you please tell me the weak points of my poem?

    Quote Originally Posted by taghavi View Post
    Hello,
    Thank you for your reading and revising.
    Can "sat" remain unchanged in the poem?
    because when I changed "sat" into "sitting" I think the rhyme wouldn't match with the others.
    It's the meaning that's awkward: the reader doesn't know which of the two, the violin or the violet, sat on the blue heaven.

    Try,

    Violet, creeping jasmines
    With green, rising fingers,
    Tuning the yellow violin,
    Sat on the blue heaven

    The meaning there is that the violet sat on the blue heaven.

    Hope that helps.

  9. #9
    Ever Student's Avatar
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    Default Re: would you please tell me the weak points of my poem?

    O' I see. Thanks for your attention.
    Leila

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