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  1. #1
    RoseSpring's Avatar
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    Default Is this a good essey ?

    An important decision that
    I have made
    Making decisions is one of the most important things that we have to do. That is because it has the power of changing the whole course of our lives. As for me, the most important decision I have ever made was to enter the faculty of languages. I have made that decision as I am so interested in studying other people's culture and civilization. I am also fond of translating, writing and reading literary works in various languages.
    Being interested in other people's culture and traditions is one of the main reasons that made me choose to enter that faculty of languages. For me, studying languages is considered as a gate through which one is able to discover others' world, and thought. Through language, one can communicate with other people in different parts of the world. On the other hand, one can enjoy visiting the touristic sights of that definite place or country. Visiting libraries and reading books are by all means one of the most beneficial and amazing activities to be practised while in a foreign country.
    Apart from that, I have chosen this college, because I adore reading and writing. I like to read several kinds of books; in different fields: politics, literature, religion. I also enjoy reading books that talk about personality and positive thinking, like the one by Stephen R.Covey entitled " Daily reflections for highly effective people". I spend a lot of time translating articles from a certain language to another. I do believe that translation is an art that not every person can handle. It needs: study, knowledge, talent and experience. In addition, writing is my favourite hobby. I write short stories, social and literary articles as well.
    Finally, I am certain now that I have made the write choice, as I have a definite and a grand aim to achieve; that is, to master several languages. Besides, I spend my time in doing something I really enjoy. As Anthony Robbins has once said:
    "More than anything else, I believe it's our decisions, not the conditions of our lives that determine our destiny".
    P.s: Is there any grammatical mistakes ?
    Are the ideas consistent and clear ?
    Do the essay generally sound good ?

  2. #2
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    Default Re: Is this a good essey ?

    Hi tasneemspring,

    For someone whose first language is not English, you write very well. The logical flow of your ideas, as well as the overall fluency of your writing is evident.

    Please let me offer some general comments -- constructive criticism intended only for the purpose of helping you to improve your writing.

    General Observation 1. Your Opening:
    "Making decisions is one of the most important things that we have to do."
    Hmmm..., Yes, decisions do determine our fate, and so it does follow that decision making "is one of the most important things that we can do." No argument here. But do all decisions carry equal weight? Is your decision to have either apple or pecan pie for dessert tonight on par with the one that has prompted you toward studying languages, peoples, cultures? (-Of course not.)

    As it stands now, the opening sentence rings true, but with a bit of a hollow tone -- truism rather than truth. Here's an important axiom for you to make your own: Unless they can be turned to good effect, by either the elements of surprise, or novelty, or humor, or whatever else may bring your reader to new ground, good writers avoid truisms and clichés. Did you happen to notice that I didn't finish the last sentence with "like the plague?" Do you understand why? - Avoid truisms and clichés!

    How could you make your opening sentence stronger? (1) Rid the hollow ring; avoid the truism! (2) Bring greater focus to the kind of decision-making that is life-changing. (3) Steal some of your own words and ideas from your second sentence. (4) Make the cadence of the language work for you.
    Consider this:
    Our power to change, to develop, to grow, to become, lies in our power to decide.
    I'll leave it to you to decide which opening has a greater effect, and why.

    General Observation 2. Consider "Less is More" (The notion that simplicity and clarity lead to good design.)

    Your sentence: Being interested in other people's culture and traditions is one of the main reasons that made me choose to enter that faculty of languages.

    Less is More: Being interested in other people's culture and traditions is one of my prime motivations for studying languages.

    Your sentence: For me, studying languages is considered as a gate through which one is able to discover others' world, and thought.

    Less is More: The study of language(s) is a gate through which one can discover other worlds.

    Your sentence: Apart from that, I have chosen this college, because I adore reading and writing.

    Less is More: Another primary motivation? - a love of reading and writing.

    General Observation 3. Make Explicit Use of Your Enallage

    Finally, are you aware of your choice of words (which I've here bolded) in the following sentence? :
    "Finally, I am certain now that I have made the write choice, as I have a definite and a grand aim to achieve; that is, to master several languages."
    If you are in fact aware of your word choice here, then as a writer you need to rephrase your sentence so that there is no mistaking that you do intend "the mistake." There are so many ways for you to do this. The easiest would be to use the phrase "right choice" in a previous sentence, and then to follow this sentence immediately with your "intentional mistake" of write choice. (For greatest effect, save these two words for the final two words of the sentence, and be sure to italicize them so that you reader is now convinced.)

    Of course, one could just make a correction in the sentence above from "write" to "right" and then move on. But from reading your brief essay, I'm willing to bet that you'll want to make your words have the write play.

    Good luck!
    Last edited by Monticello; 25-Mar-2009 at 03:33.

  3. #3
    konungursvia's Avatar
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    Default Re: Is this a good essey ?

    I think it's very good as is, though I'd switch the page direction.

  4. #4
    Monticello's Avatar
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    Default Re: Is this a good essey ?

    Quote Originally Posted by konungursvia View Post
    I think it's very good as is, though I'd switch the page direction.
    Hi tasneemspring,

    Viewing konungursvia's posted comment here, I wish to reiterate to you my intent for the constructive criticism I have offered above: This is "intended only for the purpose of helping you to improve your writing."

    Something further to add here: A teacher is not performing up to his or her highest standard unless s/he challenges all students on to their next level of development. Recognizing your obvious natural gift for language, I feel confident that you will now challenge yourself on to your personal best.

  5. #5
    RoseSpring's Avatar
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    Default Re: Is this a good essey ?

    Helllo,


    Thanks indeed all of you. Many thanks to Moticello, I do appeciate your comments so much, and I am so obliged.


    Tasneemspring

  6. #6
    Monticello's Avatar
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    Default Re: Is this a good essey ?

    Quote Originally Posted by tasneemspring View Post
    Helllo,


    Thanks indeed all of you. Many thanks to Moticello, I do appeciate your comments so much, and I am so obliged.


    Tasneemspring
    Hi tasneemspring,

    Glad to be of help to you.

  7. #7
    RoseSpring's Avatar
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    Default Re: Is this a good essey ?

    Is there any other coment?

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