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  1. #1
    neddymak is offline Newbie
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    Default Please Please Please help edit: An email to previous company

    I have been working in a company as an intern one year ago and left to further my study. I would now like to email the company to ask for job openings. Here is my draft:

    "Dear XXX,

    This is XXX who has worked as an intern under (manager's name) in Summer 2008. During the time in the company, I have always enjoyed working with my fellows, and definitely, developed the sense of being a professional engineer. I would like to once again express my appreciation for giving me such a valuable chance.

    After completing my degree in (name of university), I would like to devote into the industry and returning to (company's name) has always been my first priority.

    As I am going to graduate in the coming May, I would like to see if there will be any open positions into which I can fit.

    I look forward to hearing from you concerning a possible return to (company's name) and contributing again as a member of the organization.

    Regards,

    xxx"

    Could anyone please comment on it or help me edit it such that it sounds more proper and a bit more professional? Thanks a lot.
    Last edited by neddymak; 27-Mar-2009 at 09:10.

  2. #2
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    Default Re: Please Please Please help edit: An email to previous company

    Dear XXX:
    In the spring of 2008 I worked as an intern at [Firm name] ; my supervisor was .... I liked the work and the atmosphere at [...] very much, and I'd like to work there again, as an engineer, after I graduate from [university/college] this May.
    Yours respectfully,
    XXX

  3. #3
    neddymak is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: Please Please Please help edit: An email to previous company

    Thanks for your reply gabber.
    I understand that you are suggesting a simplier and cleaner way to do the job. But I am actually sending this email to a HR guy, and I wanna make it a bit more professional instead of too personal.
    Could anyone please help?

  4. #4
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    Default Re: Please Please Please help edit: An email to previous company

    I woulda, but you lost my interest when I say that you used 'wanna'.

  5. #5
    neddymak is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: Please Please Please help edit: An email to previous company

    Quote Originally Posted by David L. View Post
    I woulda, but you lost my interest when I say that you used 'wanna'.
    Thanks for your comment. Just don't see the point of trying to edit my speaking instead of my passage

  6. #6
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    Default Re: Please Please Please help edit: An email to previous company

    You will when you can't even turn it off in this English language forum, and out of habit it slips out at a job interview!! And then, of course, there's how long-established professionals will view you...askance, me thinks, when you sound like a blogging teenager - that, or a 4 year old: "wanna ice-cream! wanna ice-cream!" Count me as the first to do so that you know of.

    But don't let me stop you. I just wouldn't take you seriously enough to give my time to responding seriously.
    Last edited by David L.; 29-Mar-2009 at 13:07.

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