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  1. #1
    jamie2 is offline Newbie
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    Question Please Review and tell me if this is a good essay, If you could...

    This essay is on the topic: If you could read someone's mind, whose mind would you read and why. I need to know if this is a good essay, is it accurately punctuated, does it flow and make sense? Thank You in advance for your time and proofreading:

    Under an extreme state of curiosity, if I were given the power to read minds I would be inclined to read the mind of my mother. My mother, all her life, from what I have been told, was always a very kind and hardworking woman. Yet I never actually got to know her, because at the young age of 64 she is stricken with early onset Alzheimer’s disease. Due to this disease, her mental state slowly dissociated over the course of the last few years, and eventually she became what she is today, a near mindless caricature of her former self. Upon witnessing her mental decline over the course of time, I am left wondering what has become of her mind. On a daily basis, I see my mother attempt to talk to something she sees, mumble, slur her speech, and pace around to what appears to be a constant ongoing daydream, but I am unsure. I am always questioning the significance of everyone of her actions after examining each of them. It seems to me like she is trying to reach out to the world, but is she? I wish to read her mind in order to find out.



    Scientifically speaking, I wonder, what will I find? Will I find a mind in torment with itself, will I find her happy and well, or will I be able to understand anything I discover within the inner workings of her cogitations? I really do not know what, if anything, I will achieve from any mind reading I do, but I am assured that it will have significance in the fact that I actually will get to know my mother and a mind confounded by Alzheimer’s disease. This can help me in treating her, and possible help me help others like her in the future may it be needed. Since after all, being her son, I am at risk of developing this disease as well. But at the end of it all, I can rest assure, that my thirst and curiosity will finally be fed and I will have one less mystery to hinder my thoughts.

  2. #2
    Monticello's Avatar
    Monticello is offline Member
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    Default Re: Please Review and tell me if this is a good essay, If you could...

    Hi jamie2,

    This is a well-written piece. Below, I've suggested corrections and provided comments:

    Under an extreme state of curiosity, If I were given the power to read minds, out of a vexing curiosity (I've reworded your introductory clause and placed it here (1) for better readability and (2) to subordinate it to the main purpose: "If I were given ...") I would be inclined to read the mind of my mother. My mother , all her life, (In this sentence, you later add " ... was always ...". Thus "... all her life," is not necessary.) from what I have been told, (The preceding clause makes it sound as if your mother was a stranger to you. Is this what you really intend?) was always a very kind and hardworking woman. Yet (I feel that) I never actually got to know her, because at the young age of 64 she is was stricken with early onset Alzheimer’s disease. Due to this disease, her mental state slowly dissociated over the course of the last few years, and eventually she became what she is today, a near mindless caricature of her former self. Upon witnessing her mental decline over the course of time, I am left wondering what has become of her mind.

    On a daily basis, I see my mother attempting (Changing the actions to the progressive here provides more immediacy.) to talk to something she sees, mumble mumbling, slurring her speech, and pace pacing around to what appears to be a constant ongoing daydream. (End of sentence. Replace the comma with a period here.) But I am unsure. I am find myself always examining and questioning (Again, for readability, when "examining and questioning" are placed together, your final clause in the sentence, "after examining each of them" becomes unnecessary.) everyone every one (- two separate words here, as "everyone" -- as one word -- means "all people.") of her actions. after examining each of them. It seems to me like as if she is trying to reach out to the world. (End of sentence.) But is she? I wish to I could read her mind in order to find out.

    Scientifically speaking, I wonder, what will would (As your thoughts here are speculative, throughout this paragraph I've replaced the future 'tense' with the 'conditional.') I find? Will I find -a mind in torment with itself? will I find - her happy and well? Or will would I be able to understand anything I discover at all within the inner workings of her cogitations? I really do not know what , if anything, (You've already conveyed "if anything" in the preceding sentence. Doing so again here not only adds redundancy, but also breaks the flow of this longer sentence.) I will would achieve from by any such mind reading. I do, but Yet I do sense that I am would be significantly assured that it will have significance in the fact that I by actually will getting to know my mother -- and a mind confounded by Alzheimer’s disease. This can could help me in treating her, and possible possibly help me to help others like her in the future, (Here, "... in the future ..." is already suggested by "should the need ever arise.") may should it be needed. the need ever arise. Since, after all, being her son, I, too, am at risk of developing this disease. as well. But at the end of it all, I can could rest assure (Comma deleted here.) in knowing that my thirst and curiosity will has finally been fed and I will have that I've one less mystery to hinder my thoughts.
    Last edited by Monticello; 06-Apr-2009 at 05:55.

  3. #3
    jamie2 is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: Please Review and tell me if this is a good essay, If you could...

    Thanks, that was a lot of help. I learned more than I expected.

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