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  1. #1
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    Post ::I thought I had a kid ::

    Hello,will someone please take their time in reading this short story for me,and give me your feedback. (the story may sound stupid)but that's good by me.This short story is based on a true one...Enjoy. Thanks in advance!



    I thought I had a kid.



    As warmth and kindness of the motherly feeling touches my heart once again. I had a cute little amazing baby and its sleeping peacefully in the next bedroom; that child meant the world to me it belonged to me and no one else it was a piece of me, I felt the responsibility of that innocent baby, I was a bit worried about how it would be sleeping I wanted to make sure if it’s sleeping the right way, I thought of getting up off my rolling chair to check up on my child in the next bedroom away from where I'm. I paused for a moment, shook my head in skittish, looking around me gathering my thoughts; what am I? Who am I? And where am I? I quickly pull my feelings and soul away from the mirage; I’ve lived my unpredictable future for a few moments with my unexciting child. Putting myself together back to reality waking up my sentiment, I wasn’t day dreaming because my eyes would pop out if I was daydreaming, neither sleep dreaming. I then realized that my memory has flashed forward putting me way too far in the future. I hear the sound of my fax phone machine print out a letter I rush to it with some hope in my heart of my doctor would want to surprise me with some good news that there’s hope of being a mother and being able to bring up a baby. Dear Miss Jalila, the fax letter said; I’m sorry to tell you that we’ve gone through all the examinations and the tests but it seems like there is no hope in you ever having a child, it will never be safe for neither you nor your baby, for your baby to survive in the womb is quite dangerous. We did our best to grant you the ability of having a child. Kind regard, Dr.julaybib. A warm tear after the other drops down my cheeks I wiped them off with my finger tips and walk off way from the fax machine.
    Last edited by Roukaya; 05-Apr-2009 at 08:24.

  2. #2
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    Default Re: ::I thought I had a kid ::

    Why isn't anyone replying...

  3. #3
    Anglika is offline No Longer With Us
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    Default Re: ::I thought I had a kid ::

    Quote Originally Posted by Roukaya View Post
    Hello,will someone please take their time in reading this short story for me,and give me your feedback. (the story may sound stupid)but that's good by me.This short story is based on a true one...Enjoy. Thanks in advance!



    I thought I had a kid.



    As warmth and kindness of the motherly feeling touches my heart once again [there is no conclusion to this sentence - what happens when there feelings occur?]. I had a cute little amazing baby and its sleeping peacefully in the next bedroom; that child meant the world to me it belonged to me and no one else it was a piece of me, I felt the responsibility of that innocent baby, I was a bit worried about how it would be sleeping I wanted to make sure if itís sleeping the right way, I thought of getting up off my rolling chair to check up on my child in the
    next bedroom away from where I'm bedroom next door. I paused for a moment, shook my head in skittish [skittish what?], looking around me gathering my thoughts; what am I? Who am I? And where am I? I quickly pull my feelings and soul away from the mirage; Iíve lived my unpredictable future for a few moments with my unexciting [???} child. Putting myself together back to reality waking up my sentiment, I wasnít day dreaming because my eyes would pop out if I was daydreaming, neither sleep dreaming. I then realized that my memory has flashed forward putting me way too far in the future. I hear the sound of my fax phone machine print out a letter I rush to it with some hope in my heart of my doctor would want to surprise me with some good news that thereís hope of being a mother and being able to bring up a baby. Dear Miss Jalila, the fax letter said; Iím sorry to tell you that weíve gone through all the examinations and the tests but it seems like there is no hope in you ever having a child, it will never be safe for neither you nor your baby, for your baby to survive in the womb is quite dangerous. We did our best to grant you the ability of having a child. Kind regard, Dr.julaybib. A warm tear after the other drops down my cheeks I wiped them off with my finger tips and walk off way from the fax machine.
    ..

    Look again at your use of tenses.

  4. #4
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    Default Re: ::I thought I had a kid ::

    thanx mate.

  5. #5
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    Default Re: ::I thought I had a kid ::

    Hi Roukaya,

    Interesting story - quite touching! One thing you might try, to make an even greater impression on the reader, is to use the present tense in the beginning rather than past. This will give the reader a sense of being in the story. The reader can then feel the same emotions as you, following you step by step. By using the past tense, you give away the ending, so the surprise is gone. If the reader feels your happiness as strongly as you felt it, then they will also feel the same disappointment at the end.

    Good luck. I'm looking forward to your next version!

  6. #6
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    Default Re: ::I thought I had a kid ::

    Quote Originally Posted by Anglika View Post
    ..

    Look again at your use of tenses.

    Hi Anglika,I would like to know why are the first words my story in blue bold!!,don't they make sens??thanx.


    Hi Roukaya,

    Interesting story - quite touching! One thing you might try, to make an even greater impression on the reader, is to use the present tense in the beginning rather than past. This will give the reader a sense of being in the story. The reader can then feel the same emotions as you, following you step by step. By using the past tense, you give away the ending, so the surprise is gone. If the reader feels your happiness as strongly as you felt it, then they will also feel the same disappointment at the end.

    Good luck. I'm looking forward to your next version




    Here it is what do you think of it?



    I thought I had a kid


    The feeling of warmth in my heart returns once again, as I think of my beloved baby. There he was, peacefully sleeping in the next bedroom and my heart ached for another glimpse of his tiny body soundly sleeping and resting from our recent playing. But I could not bring myself to disturb him. Ah, but what if he has rolled on his stomach and is having trouble breathing? What if he accidentally pulled his blanket over his face? What if..? I stood up in haste only to be overtaken by a surge of confusion. What happened? Where am I? I shook myself and gathered my thoughts. I had been daydreaming. Just as I began to think over and make sense of what has happened, I heard the fax machine print out a letter and rushed for it in hopes that it was the news that will lift the pain from my chest. I glanced at the paper and whispered the words as I read ďDear Mrs. Jalila, I am sorry to inform you that regardless of our utmost efforts, your yearning for having a child could not be granted. Examinations have proven negative and it would prove fatal for you and your baby if you were to get pregnant. My heartfelt apologies go to you and your family. Kind Regards, Dr. Julaybib.Ē The entrapped tears in my eyes could no longer be held back, and gushed warmly down my face one after the other. I laid the letter down and walked away from the fax machine.

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