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  1. #1
    Tan Elaine is offline Key Member
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    Default Please correct the short passage

    Could any member go through the following short passage and correct any mistakes found in it.

    "Oh no!" I moaned to myself. It was the peak hour of the day. Cars stretched bumper to bumper along the highway.

    As if that was not bad enough, the hot and blazing sun was shining directly above me. It was quiet save for an occasional honk coming from a couple of nearby cars. The drivers were evidently impatient. What they seemed not to know was that two cars farther up had collided with each other.

    Soon after, a driver turned on his radio at high volume and wound down the window of his car. The music became irritating to my ears. Apparently the driver was bored while waiting for the traffic to clear. Some drivers told him to lower the volume, but it was obvious he was unable to hear what they were saying.

    Only when the cars were towed to the shoulder of the road did the traffic flow smoothly. I was finally relieved that my ordeal was over as we continued our journey home.

  2. #2
    Barb_D's Avatar
    Barb_D is offline Moderator
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    Default Re: Please correct the short passage

    Hi Tan Elaine.

    Basically, very good.

    It was the peak hour of the day. -- I'm not sure what you meant here. Was it 'rush hour' with all the cars on the road, or was it noon with the sun right above?

    the hot and blazing sun was shining directly above me -- What do you think of this? The hot sun was blazing down directly on me.

    The music became irritating to my ears. -- This isn't very natural sounding. The music became very irritating would be fine, though.

    (I'm very impatient in traffic. You did better than I would have.)

  3. #3
    Monticello's Avatar
    Monticello is offline Member
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    Default Re: Please correct the short passage

    Hi Tan Elaine,

    Your writing here? : very good, indeed!

    Your patience in traffic (- with blaring music and blazing sun at rush hour)? : Much better than mine could ever be!

  4. #4
    Tan Elaine is offline Key Member
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    Default Re: Please correct the short passage

    Quote Originally Posted by Barb_D View Post
    Hi Tan Elaine.

    Basically, very good.

    1. It was the peak hour of the day. -- I'm not sure what you meant here. Was it 'rush hour' with all the cars on the road, or was it noon with the sun right above?

    2. the hot and blazing sun was shining directly above me -- What do you think of this? The hot sun was blazing down directly on me.

    The music became irritating to my ears. -- This isn't very natural sounding. The music became very irritating would be fine, though.

    (I'm very impatient in traffic. You did better than I would have.)
    Hi Barb

    1. 'rush hour', I mean. That means 'peak' is the wrong word.

    2. Agree; 'to my ears' is redundant.

    I would have been one of the drivers honking in real life. In the story, I painted a picture opposite to my true self.

    Thanks for your help.
    Last edited by Tan Elaine; 06-Apr-2009 at 08:35.

  5. #5
    Tan Elaine is offline Key Member
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    Default Re: Please correct the short passage

    Quote Originally Posted by Monticello View Post
    Hi Tan Elaine,

    Your writing here? : very good, indeed!

    Your patience in traffic (- with blaring music and blazing sun at rush hour)? : Much better than mine could ever be!
    Hi Monticello

    I would have been one of the drivers honking in real life. In the story, I painted a picture opposite to my true self.

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