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  1. #1
    alphaprincess is offline Newbie
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    Badly in want of improvement suggestions!

    Hey guys, or should I say teachers...! This is Sarah with her lately finished article.. Since it's gonna be posted in our campus magazine, I sincerely want my first readers to be impressed, in a way as natural as possible. I know there must be lots of mistakes and misusages so DO be picky and I'm expecting numerous corrections.

    The title is: Hours Slide and Days Go By

    Content:

    Never before have I got this kind of feeling, that everyday is full of brand new experiences and intriguing adventures, purely unexpected and full of suspense.

    Still vividly presented in my mind's eye is a picture I dreamt about the first night spent in Kaohsiung: All of us five exchange students are stomping like sulky kids, suffering from some nameless homesickness in this "vaguely different" cultural environment. We are like landlubbers at sea, distracted and confused as the sense of belonging diminishes. Who are we? What are we doing here? Shall we mingle as freely as possible or step back with perfect sense of propriety? It seems all about the strength of self-control yet none of us knows exactly how to manage it.

    Not until recently... My very nice Taiwanese friend Ya-Chu invited me to a sleep-over in her house for a couple of nights and I was more than happy to be her lodger覧if only you guys knew how great and generous that girl is, not to mention she is also adorable and cute. Lady Luck was definitely smiling upon me. Maybe it does take predestined lot to chance into someone like her and therefore I owe substantial gratitude toward the almighty God and his timely favor. Amen... Back to what I said from the start of this paragraph, I am now a lot more relieved and assured than I was in those beginning days. Genuine friendship does count in my case. Personally, having someone I like around usually gives me a light mood and makes me feel much better..."Have no idea what to do when there's some spare time? Relax! Here comes Ya-Chu, an angel with shining wings..." I have to admit each time we hang out together I feel like a million dollars deposited in a safe bank, with handsome interest and solid security. I find myself free of want, because she fulfills whatever I could possibly have in mind. Sometimes when I reflect upon myself I can't help wondering whether I am also satisfying for her, and whether I am worthy enough of all her kindness... Love between a sweet couple is always deemed selfless but somehow I find friendship has the same magical appeal when the vibe is right. I'm totally swept off my feet by a girl with her impassionate personality. Thanks Ya-Chu, and any guy who deserves your love must the be luckiest man under the sun!

    And of course another person I have to bring up here is Eyan Wiggy, who hit the jackpot when deciding on Ya-Chu as his host for couch surfing. He is an English gentleman of plenty of fun, typically reserved at the same time. The most amazing highlight of his life probably should be the fact that he is an incredible cosmopolitan, an well-experienced global trotter. During the past 11 years, he has already set foot on the land of 52 countries (the number is still mounting), which undoubtedly makes him a legendary hero. In all honesty, Eyan is not the type of guy who is ready to steal the limelight and easy to spot among a mass of people, but still he's nothing but special. Uniqueness and bravery are all he has in his first-aid kit. Throughout our conversations, he remained so sure about himself and all my effort attempted to dampen his pride ended in vain. Curiously, I asked him where his firm confidence came from. Eyan blew my mind by answering that he had never ever admired other people's lives or imagined himself to be someone else. He enjoys being himself and believes what he's doing right now is the most meaningful thing in his best interest. To him, later on I assume, that travelling itself is rewarding enough. He is completely into his everyday experiences覧people who he meets along the trips, breath-taking sceneries, unfadable hopes, tempting joys... He is extracting the best that life can offer from the world unknown, which in many's eyes looks dangerous and scary. Only the very first person to try tomato knows exactly how delicous it tastes, because his/her feeling is unprecedented, hence unbeaten.

    Better choose the road less travelled by.

    More often than not, we are trapped in the spiral of self-doubt and frightened of our own dreams. We are dying to be somebody but always hesitating to take the first step from the pathetic identity of nobody. Despair and helplessness keep smoldering inside of us. In the end, we can't help feeling frustrated and disappointed. Then self-confidence is draining until it's completely gone.

    It is human nature for one to predict his or her fate, consciously or subconsciously, no matter how lame a fortune teller he or she actually is. Some people consequently fall victim of their self-spinned miserable illusion. The truth is, however, you will never know if you never try.

    Being young and naive, we always think there are infinite tomorrows, awaiting us to waste and squander. Few of us ever make plans, and those who do have plans never bother to follow them thoroughly. I have in my life heard too many people complaining about their crumbling dreams and shattered faith. "If I knew then what I know now...I should have done..."
    Well, my dear friends, the cruelty of reality determines there is no leeway or turning back when the die is already cast.

    Be a dreamer and fill your dreams with feasible plans instead of fantasies. If you are tired of the current life style and find yourself stuck in a rut, do not hesitate to step out of the comfort zone for a change. Work on your sensitivity and never allow numbness to get the upper hand, for the wealth of the mind is the only true wealth覧the single piece of belonging that nobody else can take away from you.One precious lesson I learned from Eyan is it takes real courage to break the inertia of ease and to achieve something big. Faint hearts do not only lose fair ladies but eventually, everything.

    In some way, everyone in the world is a traveller with different focuses and destinations. No matter what stops we are passing by, the savvy of direction is decisive among all the indispensables. But once you are sure about the person you want to become, please hurry to meet him or her. Cherish and relish the moment, cause tomorrow never comes.

    It was my greatest pleasure getting to know both of you, Ya-Chu and Eyan. And I think my dream tonight and many nights after won't be haunted by nightmares anymore...

    Attention, Taiwan! Sarah is stretching out her arms to give you a warm and big hug!!


    End of the essay (I am aware it's lengthy and my apologies for testing your patience..).

    Again, sorry for the trouble and thanks for your precious time and help! ^^


    Sarah, with loads of gratitude

  2. #2
    alphaprincess is offline Newbie
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    Unhappy Re: Badly in want of improvement suggestions!

    Nobody responded yet... I am so hurt...

    Anyone who is available to give me a hand? I don't need you to edit the whole article but just to tell me some places that want revision.

    I noticed a grammar mistake myself: "A" well-experienced global trotter..

    Thanks again...

  3. #3
    Join Date
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    Re: Badly in want of improvement suggestions!

    Never before have I got this kind of feeling, that everyday is full of brand new experiences and intriguing adventures, purely unexpected and full of suspense.

    Still vividly presented in my mind's eye is a picture I dreamt about the first night spent in Kaohsiung: All of us five exchange students are stomping like sulky kids, suffering from some nameless homesickness in this "vaguely different" cultural environment. We are like landlubbers at sea, distracted and confused as the sense of belonging diminishes. Who are we? What are we doing here? Shall we mingle as freely as possible or step back with a perfect sense of propriety? It seems all about the strength of self-control yet none of us knows exactly how to manage it. I don't quite understand the meaning of that last sentence...

    Not until recently <-- is that related to the last paragraph? WHAT wasn't until recently?... My very nice Taiwanese friend Ya-Chu invited me to a sleep-over in her house for a couple of nights and I was more than happy to be her lodger覧if only you guys knew how great and generous that girl is, not to mention she is also adorable and cute. Lady Luck was definitely smiling upon me. Maybe it does take the hand of destiny to meet someone like her and therefore I owe substantial gratitude toward the almighty God and his timely favor. Amen... Back to what I said from the start of this paragraph, I am now a lot more relieved and assured than I was in those beginning days. Genuine friendship does count in my case. Personally, having someone I like around usually gives me a light mood and makes me feel much better..."Have no idea what to do when there's some spare time? Relax! Here comes Ya-Chu, an angel with shining wings..." I have to admit each time we hang out together I feel like a million dollars deposited in a safe bank, with handsome interest and solid security. I find myself free of want, because she fulfills whatever I could possibly have in mind. Sometimes when I reflect upon myself I can't help wondering whether I am also satisfying for her, and whether I am worthy enough of all her kindness... Love between a sweet couple is always deemed selfless but somehow I find friendship has the same magical appeal when the vibe is right. I'm totally swept off my feet by a girl with her impassionate personality. Thanks Ya-Chu, and any guy who deserves your love must the be luckiest man under the sun!

    And of course another person I have to bring up here is Eyan Wiggy, who hit the jackpot when deciding on Ya-Chu as his host for couch surfing. What's couch surfing? He is an English gentleman of plenty of fun, typically reserved at the same time. The most amazing highlight of his life probably should be the fact that he is incredibly cosmopolitan, a well-experienced global trotter. During the past 11 years, he has already set foot on the shores of 52 countries (the number is still mounting), which undoubtedly makes him a legendary hero. In all honesty, Eyan is not the type of guy who is ready to steal the limelight and easy to spot among a mass of people, but still he's nothing but special. Uniqueness and bravery are all he has in his first-aid kit. Throughout our conversations, he remained so sure about himself and all my efforts to dampen his pride ended in vain. Curiously, I asked him where his firm confidence came from. Eyan blew my mind by answering that he had never ever admired other people's lives or imagined himself to be someone else. He enjoys being himself and believes what he's doing right now is the most meaningful thing in his best interest. To him, later on I assume, that travelling itself is rewarding enough. He is completely into his everyday experiences覧people who he meets along the trips, breath-taking sceneries, unfadable hopes, tempting joys... He is extracting the best that life can offer from the world unknown, which in the eyes of many looks dangerous and scary. Only the very first person to try the tomato knows exactly how delicous it tastes, because his/her feeling is unprecedented, hence unbeaten.

    Better choose the road less travelled by.

    More often than not, we are trapped in the spiral of self-doubt and frightened of our own dreams. We are dying to be somebody but always hesitating to take the first step from the pathetic identity of nobody. Despair and helplessness keep smoldering inside of us. In the end, we can't help feeling frustrated and disappointed. Then self-confidence is drained until it's completely gone.

    It is human nature for one to attempt to predict his or her fate, consciously or subconsciously, no matter how lame a fortune teller he or she actually is. Some people consequently fall victim of their self-spun miserable illusion. The truth is, however, you will never know if you never try.

    Being young and naive, we always think there are infinite tomorrows, awaiting us to waste and squander. Few of us ever make plans, and those who do have plans never bother to follow them thoroughly. I have in my life heard too many people complaining about their crumbling dreams and shattered faith. "If I knew then what I know now...I should have done..."
    Well, my dear friends, the cruelty of reality determines there is no leeway or turning back when the die is already cast.

    Be a dreamer and fill your dreams with feasible plans instead of fantasies. If you are tired of the current life style and find yourself stuck in a rut, do not hesitate to step out of the comfort zone for a change. Work on your sensitivity and never allow numbness to get the upper hand, for the wealth of the mind is the only true wealth覧the single piece of belonging that nobody else can take away from you. One precious lesson I learned from Eyan is it takes real courage to break the inertia of ease and to achieve something big. Faint hearts do not only lose fair ladies but eventually, everything.

    In some way, everyone in the world is a traveller with different focuses and destinations. No matter what stops we are passing by, the savvy of direction is decisive among all the indispensables. <-- again, this is a sentence that's a little difficult to understand But once you are sure about the person you want to become, please hurry to meet him or her. Cherish and relish the moment, cause tomorrow never comes.

    It was my greatest pleasure getting to know both of you, Ya-Chu and Eyan. And I think my dream tonight and many nights after won't be haunted by nightmares anymore...

    Attention, Taiwan! Sarah is stretching out her arms to give you a warm and big hug!!




    Wow, you sure do know some beautiful, poetic English! Just be careful it doesn't get so flowery that the meaning is lost
    That is a LOT of writing to check over so there might still be mistakes I missed, but I hope I helped.
    Ya-Chu and Eyan sound like great friends

  4. #4
    tedtmc is offline Key Member
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    Re: Badly in want of improvement suggestions!

    I have a few to add:

    The title - badly in need of..., not in want of

    vividly presented in my mind - vividly present.
    improvement suggestions - improvements and suggestions

    'vaguely different' - seems like an odd combination. I think something can either be vague or different, not both.

    During the past 11 years - For the past 11 years

    I can't help wondering whether I am also satisfying for her - to her satisfaction

    Better choose the road less travelled by - 'by' is not required.

    Some people consequently fall victim of their self-spun miserable illusion - fall victim to.


    the savvy of direction is decisive among all the indispensables - ?????
    'Savvy' is an adjective I thought?

    not a teacher
    Last edited by tedtmc; 13-Apr-2009 at 15:28.

  5. #5
    alphaprincess is offline Newbie
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    Re: Badly in want of improvement suggestions!

    Thanks Peter for your great patience and timely help!! I have made the corresponding revisions already and it reads much better~~

    Gracias!

  6. #6
    alphaprincess is offline Newbie
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    Re: Badly in want of improvement suggestions!

    Thank you sir... It was very nice of you to reply, especially when you had to go over such a lengthy essay. Your help was highly appreciated.

  7. #7
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    Re: Badly in want of improvement suggestions!

    No problem, it was an interesting read

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