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Thread: aticle

  1. #1
    SunnyLiu Guest

    Default aticle

    Dear Sir,
    I will take the IELTS text a few days later. I worte an artile yesterday.Can you amend it for me thoroughly.

    Yours Sincerely
    SunnyLiu




    Topic:

    Improvement in health, education and trade are essential for development of poorer nations. However, the governments of richer nations should take more responsibility for helping the poorer nations in such areas.



    Article:

    Medical treatment, compulsory education and cross-country marketing are increasingly becoming the focus of developed countries. Some confirm that industrialized countries are supposed to provide these countries with advanced technologies and enough money for solving problems. Personally, I agree with them because I believe that it benefits both the developed and developing countries.



    To begin with, providing technologies and fund for poorer nations is helpful to maintain the world peace and stability to prevent some wars threatening man’s existence. If a government cannot supply residents for good education, medical care and free trade environment, it would be result in dissatisfaction of taxpayers. Hence, unreasonable government policies may affect a country’s stability as well as the world peace.



    Furthermore, it helps to spread a new way of thinking and doing things to boost prosperity. With the help from richer countries , people in poorer countries can share the new inventions and procedures for solving problems. For example, human fertilization, birth control and organ transplant are helpful to medical treatment; computer, e-school, and mature education system, all of which may make children receive better education; advanced management views , comprehensive organization systems and successful enterprise innovation are good experience that developed countries should learn to improve their marketing environments.



    In addition, the development of undeveloped nations is linked to the interests of the advanced ones. If they do not offer a helping hand to those countries suffering from poverty and backwardness, it in turn undermines their prosperity. For example, in order to alleviate poverty, some countries are destroying our earth by overexploiting the natural resources for immediate interests, which may result in greenhouse effects , depletion of ozone layers, acid rain and toxic waste which can threaten the whole global.



    In conclusion, industrialized countries’ providing help for poorer countries not only maintains the world stability but also narrows the economic gap and productivity for the poorer and richer. Also, it promotes the trade contacts among them. Obviously, it is high time for politicians took more responsibility to lend support to those in poverty.

  2. #2
    Mister Micawber's Avatar
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    Default Re: aticle

    I revised on your other thread, Sunny.

  3. #3
    SunnyLiu Guest

    Question Re: aticle

    Quote Originally Posted by Mister Micawber
    I revised on your other thread, Sunny.
    Sir, I wish you can revise my article and give me some advises.I do not what is the problem with my writing. Can you tell me what should I do to improve my writing.Thank you.

  4. #4
    Mister Micawber's Avatar
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    Default Re: aticle

    Did you look at my revision on your other thread, Sunny? Please view:

    http://www.usingenglish.com/forum/showthread.php?t=9479 .

  5. #5
    SunnyLiu Guest

    Question Re: aticle

    Quote Originally Posted by Mister Micawber
    Did you look at my revision on your other thread, Sunny? Please view:

    http://www.usingenglish.com/forum/showthread.php?t=9479 .
    This article is different from the other one. Can you give me some advise about this article.Thank you very much!

  6. #6
    Mister Micawber's Avatar
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    Default Re: aticle

    I finally found this one again, Sunny--


    Article:

    Medicine, education and international trade [DON'T SUBSTITUTE SYNONYMS JUST FOR A CHANGE; YOU WILL TOO OFTEN CHOOSE A LESS APPROPRIATE ONE] are increasingly the focus for developing countries. Some believe that industrialized countries should provide these countries with advanced technologies and money to solve these problems. I believe that these efforts benefit both the developed and developing countries.

    Providing technologies and funds for poorer nations helps maintain world peace and stability by preventing wars [HOW DOES IT DO THIS? AN EXPLANATORY SENTENCE IS NEEDED HERE]; and if a government cannot supply its citizens with a good education, medical care and a free trade environment, it will result in dissatisfied taxpayers [NOT A GOOD ARGUMENT: POOR PEOPLE DON'T PAY TAXES. YOUR POINT SHOULD BE ABOUT 'QUALITY OF LIFE']. Hence, unreasonable government policies may affect a country’s stability as well as world peace.

    Furthermore, economic and technological aid helps to spread new ways of thinking and doing things to boost prosperity. With assistance [TRY TO THINK OF SIMPLE SYNONYM SETS TO AVOID REPETITION: 'AID', 'HELP', 'ASSISTANCE', 'SUPPORT'] from richer countries, people in poorer countries can share new inventions and procedures for solving problems. For example, fertility, birth control and organ transplant are important medical treatments; computers, e-schools, and adult education systems assist citizens in receiving a better education; and advanced management views, comprehensive organization systems and successful enterprise innovations are concepts that developing [BE CAREFUL WITH SIMILAR WORDS-- THIS IS THE 2ND TIME YOU HAVE WRITTEN 'DEVELOPED' WHEN YOU MEANT 'DEVELOPING'] countries should study in order to improve their marketing environments.

    In addition, the development of poorer nations is linked to the interests of the advanced ones. If they do not offer a helping hand to those countries suffering from poverty and backwardness, this will in turn undermine their own prosperity. For example, in order to alleviate poverty, some undeveloped countries are destroying our earth by overexploiting its natural resources for immediate interests, which worsens the greenhouse effect, the depletion of the ozone layer, acid rain and toxic waste, which threaten the whole globe.

    In conclusion, industrialized countries’ provision of help for poorer countries not only maintains world stability but also narrows the economic gap and productivity between the poorer and the richer. Also, it promotes trade among them. Obviously, it is high time politicians took more responsibility in lending support to those in poverty.


  7. #7
    RonBee's Avatar
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    Default Re: aticle

    Just one suggestion, re:

    Obviously, it is high time for politicians took more responsibility to lend support to those in poverty.
    Delete Obviously from that sentence. Thus, it should be:
    It is high time that politicians took more responsibiity for supporting those in poverty.

  8. #8
    RonBee's Avatar
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    Default Re: aticle

    P.S. Say:

    I will take the IELTS text in a few days.

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