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    • Join Date: Aug 2008
    • Posts: 33
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    #1

    please correct my letter and please give a score to my letter

    Topic: you are planning to open a restaurant and the management of a mall offered you a shop in the mall, write letter to him and ask for details of the shop


    Dear Sir,


    I am writing to get some information about the shop that you have offered me last weak. My full name is Charles Jackson.


    I have always wanted to have a restaurant where is served local foods. Therefore, I have passed a training course, professional one, in cooking field. As I have whished, I would like to serve the best local foods in the town. As a result, the situation of the shop is important for me.


    I would be grateful if you gave me some information about your shop and its situation in the mall. for examples, how size is the shop exactly? Where is it located exactly in the mall? Is there any restaurant in your mall? if there is another restaurant what kind of food they have served? How much rent should I pay each month? Electricity is included the rent? How about phone bills, dose it have a dependent phone?


    Thank you for your cooperation to this matter.


    yours faithfully,

    Charles Jackson

    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Academic
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      • English
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      • Canada

    • Join Date: Oct 2008
    • Posts: 1,211
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    #2

    Re: please correct my letter and please give a score to my letter

    Topic: you are planning to open a restaurant and the management of a mall offered you a shop in the mall, write letter Should be: ...in the mall. Write a letter... to him and ask for details of the shop


    Dear Sir,


    I am writing to get some information about the shop that you have offered me last weak. Weak means not strong. You mean week, seven days.
    My full name is Charles Jackson.That's unnecessary, as it's clearly in your signature, where it should be.


    I have always wanted to have a restaurant where is served local foods.
    serving local foods. [although I am wondering what local foods are. Do you mean local specialties? or locally grown produce?] Therefore, I have passed a training course, professional one, in cooking field. a professional cooking course. As I have whished, [delete this filler; also it's wished, not whished] I would like to serve the best local foods in the town. As a result,[Therefore,] the situation of the shop is [very or vitally --it needs some emphasis here] important for me.[delete this filler; it's ovvious to whom it is important] -


    I would be grateful if you gave
    [would give]me some information about your shop and its situation in the mall. for examples [For example], how [what] size is the shop exactly? Where is it located exactly [delete this filler; it's becoming overused] -in the mall? Is there any [other]restaurant in your mall? if there is another restaurant [If so,] what kind of food they have served[do they serve]? How much rent should [would] I pay each month? Electricity is [Is electricity ] included the rent? How about phone bills, [delete this. Phone bills are NEVER included in rent] dose [Does]it have a dependent phone [I'm not sure I understand this one. Do you mean an independent phone? A direct phone?] ?


    Thank you for your cooperation to this matter.
    [in this regard / or / with this request]


    yours faithfully,
    [Yours truly,]

    Charles Jackson


    • Join Date: Feb 2010
    • Posts: 1
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    #3

    Smile Re: please correct my letter and please give a score to my letter

    To: V.P. & General Manager
    Attn: Mr. Jamie Robertson
    CC: Human Resources Department.

    Mr. Robertson, my name is Oscar Guisandes. I worked for over five years as Shipping Agent/Boarding Clerk in my country of origin, Venezuela. I obtained a certificate from Fanshawe College in London Ontario in International Business Management, with the intention of getting back to the shipping industry. I have conducted an extensive search for an opportunity to work in the field but it turn out that, Canadian experience is a must to have in my case, in order to find a job in the shipping industry that relates to my previous experience.
    I am asking you for an opportunity to volunteer in your organization, to obtain that experience. Even though my experience is with Vessels and there are no sea ports in London, I would like to learn about the trucking and air freight aspect of shipping in Canada as well.
    The reason why I chose Agility Logistics to volunteer is because during my training in international business at the college, I conducted a research plan for a local company based London ON, who was looking into expanding their business to the Middle East. I specifically suggest in my work project to work with Agility Logistics, due to the impressive worldwide network and many years of experience in business.
    What I have to offer to your organization is, my experience with documentation and logistics, my training in international business, commitment to maintain confidentiality and a desire to become a potential candidate to work in your company in the future.
    I would like to have the chance to meet you in person if this is convenient for you. Please find attached a copy of my resume.

    Best regards,

    Oscar Guisandes

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