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  1. #1
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    please correct my Essay and please give a score

    Should arts-related entertainment venues such as museums and art galleries be free of charge for the general public, or should a charge apply for admittance?
    Discuss this issue, and give your opinion.
    Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

    Every country has valuable historical art that are required to maintain such as museums. In my opinion, art in spite of history books reflects not only the political values of a people, but also religious beliefs, emotions, and psychology. It is really goes without saying that keeping the museums is responsibilities of all of us and it better that visitors are gave a charge for visiting.

    I would like to add that, most of the museums are exhibited the arts that creatures are died and the government maintain them. But sometimes one or more artistic open a art gallery and exhibit their art for selling or something like that. In this situation often this arts gallery haven’t any charge because creatures generally want to sell their product or want to be famous.

    As I mentioned the charge of the museums is good idea. But the ticket price should be reasonable and it should be controlled. Actually, I have a good memory about visiting some museums in Iran, Shiraz. In Shiraz museums have suitable discount for university student and artist. As a matter of fact, in this way they want to show that they respect the art and everyone follows arts maybe on of the student become a famous artistic in the future. But unfortunately, this act done only in shiraz and as far as I know this rules are not in other cities in Iran.

    To conclude, this essay has discussed the importance of art and keeping art museums. therefore, its no problem to get a charge from visitors. But the price should be controlled by government.




  2. #2
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    Re: please correct my Essay and please give a score

    Hi rezashena,

    Your opinion piece as posted is a first draft in need of revision:

    Quote Originally Posted by rezashena
    Should arts-related entertainment venues such as museums and art galleries be free of charge for the general public, or should a charge apply for admittance?
    Discuss this issue, and give your opinion.
    Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
    When you do revise your piece, please pay careful attention to the sentence above that I have highlighted in red. Beyond your adherence to good writing conventions (e.g., proper spelling, capitalization, grammar, etc.), any assessment of your piece will be based on how well you support your opinion -- through either facts or reasonable cause and effect arguments. For the purpose of your piece, then, it doesn't matter which side of the issue you choose to argue. Rather, it is how you back up your opinion that really counts. You need to supply relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

    Before revising your piece for a second draft, it might help to make (1) a list of all your opinions about the issue, and then (2) a corresponding list that supplies either facts or a solid supporting cause and effect argument for each opinion you express. Only after you have compiled this outline should you begin revising your piece.
    Last edited by Monticello; 02-May-2009 at 07:11.

  3. #3
    Monticello's Avatar
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    Re: please correct my Essay and please give a score

    With the above in mind, below I've provided corrections and comments to your original post:

    Every country has valuable historical art that are required to maintain needs preservation, such as museums. (The words art and museums are not synonyms. [NOTE: The preceding italicized and bolded words are links to entries within The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language (Fourth Edition); please review these definitions via the links provided.] Yet, your first sentence, “… art … such as museums.”, leaves the reader with the impression that you think they are.) In my opinion, (In an opinion piece, the reader naturally assumes that the writer is expressing an opinion. Thus, the phrase “In my opinion” is not necessary.) Art, in spite of history books, reflects not only the political values of a people, but also religious beliefs, emotions, and psychology. (The preceding clause, “in spite of history books,” signals to the reader that some history books assert that art does NOT reflect the “political values of a people, …” etc. Is this really what you mean to say??? If so, in order to make your point, you need to back up this statement with more than a single reference to those history books you have alluded to.) It is really goes without saying that keeping the (Aren’t you expressing your opinion here? Then why should it follow that your opinion “goes without saying”? It may be a widely held opinion. Nonetheless, in an opinion piece, the reader will expect you to support your statements of opinion with facts or reasonable cause and effect arguments.) The viability of museums is responsibilities of all of us a public matter, (Why do you think that “keeping the museums is [the responsibility] of all of us”? Again, when you express an opinion such as this, back it up with your reasoning as to why you think so. To do this, either supply supporting facts or a reasonable cause and effect argument.) and it is better that visitors are gave a charged for visiting admission. (Once again – Why? This is the crux of your piece. Instead of just stating your opinion, you need to buttress it with either factual data or a number of reasonable causes as to why.)

    I would like to add that, (As above with “In my opinion”, this phrase is not necessary. The reader can follow that you, the writer, are adding something here; you don’t need to state the obvious.) Most of the museums are exhibited the arts that creatures are died (Please note the difference between the two words, creature and creator. [NOTE: As above, please review the definitions for each of these words via the links provided here.) works of artist who have died, and the government maintains them. But sometimes, one or more artistic artists open an art gallery, and exhibit their art for selling commercial sale. or something like that. (How does this phrase “or something like that” add anything to your statement? Instead of appending this kind of a detracting phrase to your previous statement of fact, you should provide specific examples that demonstrate it.) In this situation, often this these arts gallery art galleries haven’t any charge are open to the public free of charge because creatures (Please see above note about the difference between the two words, creature and creator.) artists generally want to sell their product works, or want to be famous. (Aren’t you here confusing art galleries with museums? {NOTE: As above, please review the definitions of these words via the links provided.] Though each displays the works of artists, aren't they really two very different things?)

    As I mentioned (Once again, this kind of phrase, “As I mentioned”, is superfluous in an opinion piece. - And why the underlined words here in this paragraph??? Underlining or italicizing a word or phrase signals emphasis to the reader. If your intent, then, is to emphasize these words here, the reader is left wondering, Why???) The charge of for the museums admission to museums is a good idea. (Why? You still haven’t told us why by presenting either facts or a reasonable cause and effect argument that supports your opinion.) But the ticket price should be reasonable and it should be controlled. (Why? Again, you need to supply facts or reasons that support your argument.) Actually, I have a good memory about visiting some museums in Iran, Shiraz Shiraz, Iran. In Shiraz, museums have suitable discounts for both university student and artists. As a matter of fact, in this way they (Who are “they?”) want to show that they respect the arts and everyone follows arts those who treasure it. Maybe one of these students or artists will one day become a famous. artistic in the future.But unfortunately, Unfortunately, however, this act practice done is limited only to in Shiraz, and as far as I know this rules are not is not observed in other cities in Iran.

    To conclude, this essay has discussed the importance of art and keeping art museums. (Have you really done this in this opinion piece?) Therefore, its it should not be a problem to get a charge from visitors for admission to museums. But the price should be controlled by government. (Why? Once again, you need to support your opinion here with either factual data or a reasonable cause and effect argument.)

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