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  1. #1
    ARUK2008 is offline Junior Member
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    Smile Would you please take a look to one of my essays?

    I'm trying to improve my writing so I'm going to write as much as I can but I would really love it if somebody can help me with both grammar and ideas. Thank you.

    Richard

    I met Richard when I started working at the Bonesp Company about ten years ago; he was boss at that moment with serious face, at first time I spoke with him. Then since that moment we were friends and he became teach me all about the job.

    Richard was handsome, he was medium high fairly slim for his age. He has a round face with brown eyes and short dark hair. He liked well-dressed colorful and wear jeans in his bright personality.

    Richard is very intelligent and generous as well. Every time he showed me what I need to know about my job and sometime he visited me at home. He had a great sense of humor.

    In his free time Richard likes play soccer and he like watch classic and documentary movie. I remember we spoke about soccer and movie. He very likes both watch movie about three times a week.

    When I met him we spend hours speaking together about family, soccer and movie and I will never forget his kindness and help. He was the biggest friend in my life.

  2. #2
    Monticello's Avatar
    Monticello is offline Member
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    Default Re: Would you please take a look to one of my essays?

    Hi ARUK2008,

    Quote Originally Posted by ARUK2008 View Post
    I'm trying to improve my writing so I'm going to write as much as I can but I would really love it if somebody can help me with both grammar and ideas.
    Good for you! "Practice makes perfect." - as the saying goes.

    Comments and corrections follow:



    Richard

    I met Richard when I started working at the Bonesp Company about ten years ago. (A colon signals the continuation of a connected thought, joining two independent clauses; it takes the place of a conjunction. Use it judiciously and sparingly.) He was my boss, at that moment and, when I first spoke with him, he played that role with a serious face. , at first time I spoke with him. Then since that moment we were Yet ever since that moment, we have been friends, (When you connect two independent clauses with a conjunction -- e.g., and, or, but, -- be sure to separate the first clause from the second by a comma.) and he became began to teach me all about the job.

    Richard was is handsome, he was medium high of medium height, and fairly slim for his age. He has a round face with brown eyes and short dark hair. He liked well-dressed colorful and wear jeans in His preference for colorful clothes and jeans reflects his bright personality.

    Richard is very intelligent and generous as well. Every time he He often helped me by showed showing me what I needed to know about my job, and sometimes he (even) visited me at my home. He had has a great sense of humor.

    In his free time, (When a dependent clause begins a sentence, separate it from the rest of the sentence with a comma.) Richard likes playing soccer; and he also likes watching documentaries and classic and documentary movies. I remember when we (first) spoke about soccer and movies. He (told me then that he) very likes enjoys doing both watch movie about three times a week.

    When I met him After we got to know each other, (A dependent clause begins the sentence here; a comma needs to follow immediately.) we spend spent hours speaking together about family, soccer, (Set every item in a list off by a comma.) and movies, (As above, two independent clauses are connected here by the conjunction and; a comma is required to separate them.) and I will never forget his kindness and help. He was is the biggest friend in my life.
    Last edited by Monticello; 02-May-2009 at 15:39.

  3. #3
    ARUK2008 is offline Junior Member
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    Default Re: Would you please take a look to one of my essays?

    It's amazing how much I am learning from you, teacher Monticello. Nobody ever explained those things to me like you did today. I will continue writing because people like encourages me to do so. Once again, thank you TEACHER!

  4. #4
    Monticello's Avatar
    Monticello is offline Member
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    Default Re: Would you please take a look to one of my essays?

    My pleasure, ARUK2008. Keep writing!

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