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  1. #1
    lakeh is offline Newbie
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    Default feedback on toastmasters speech...

    Hello all,

    I know this is not a writing forum, however I would deeply appreciate some feedback on my speech I have written for a toastmasters ice breaker.

    This is a rough draft and typed as a first draft - so the english is not perfect and it is not structured very well - I would just like to know if it is boring or interesting and any pointers to make it better.

    Thank you all very mich.

    here is is:

    Well, imagine that – here I am, after 3 close attempts I am finally standing up here doing my ice breaker.
    Toast master, fellow members and welcome guests,
    Life is full of experiences and I believe that we should learn from and take the positive from all those experiences we are faced with, be they good or bad, comfortable or way outside our comfort zone – in fact we need to in order to grow…
    Unfortunately I, like most other people, when given the opportunity to talk about myself find it difficult to contain all the wonderful things about me to a minuscule 5 minutes! However, rules are rules so I will do my best to share with you some insight into who I am…starting with a diluted history of…me.
    On the 2*th of January **** I was brought into this world, all skinny, naked and cross eyed – yes much to my older sisters delight I was born cross eyed; she still tells one story with frantic pleasure about a time when we were sitting in the lounge watching a show on TV (obviously I WAS’t doing much watching) and I got bored….so I stood up…flung myself around…then stood intensely staring in the direction of the doorway…turning looking at her with a goofy smile and then running at full pace in my clumsy 2 yo “I just found my feet” style….directly into the wall….
    MY sister finds that immensely hilarious…I personally am very scared by this incident…or have been since she told me about it, cause lets be honest here…I was two years old and running into walls…I don’t have much recollection of those years…
    Obviously, I’m not cross eyed anymore; I had 1 of the ‘required’ 18 operations when I was roughly 2 and a half…I think…and since then have had perfect vision – well, unless you want me to play tennis or ping pong…then my eyes are not working as well as they should.
    See what I was saying before….I’ve barely managed to get passed the age 2 and I’m almost out of time! So I might shift things up a gear…I was then 3,4,5,6,7…well you get the point….I aged some….which brings us to the glorious high school years…
    I was somewhat “the naughty” kid at school…I did’t take much regard for what other people wanted me to do and took great delight in flexing what I thought were huge intellectual muscles by arguing points with teachers, researching things just so I could point the teacher out to be wrong and generally causing problems for all authority figures ….
    In fact, A distinct memory I have from my high school experience is a teacher walking out of the staff room and saying “Luke, we have had a vote in the staff room and we all agree you are the least likely to ever make anything of yourself” – Right I thought….I’d better prove you wrong….
    So while Many would have thought that was the most horrendous thing for a teacher to say to a student, It was one of those experiences I took as something I could use as a positive experience to propel me forward….and so far it has worked….
    When I was 16 years old I was told by the principle of my high school they would prefer if I did’t go back for year 12, he felt I was wasting my time and disrupting other students….so he referred me onto a private college to complete a diploma of IT; I passed the initial exam and began the course…funnily enough it was here that I found I loved to learn and have since developed a sixth sense for book stores….more about that in another speech perhaps…! Anyway… I went on to finish the diploma, was the youngest person ever employed by ***** (due to my constant badgering of the HR department I’m sure)…I was then hired as a Network Consultant by a local IT company…poached from them by another local IT company 12 months later and when I was 20 years old I walked out of my office and was called over by some co workers who asked me this life changing questions “Would you be interested in starting a business”….
    Since then my life has been full of opportunity, change and success I know take it upon myself to create the experiences in my life, preferably they will be outside my comfort zone…; I love what I do and hope that through my companies I can create and environment where I can assist my staff to constantly challenge themselves and develop into the most successful people they can be, you see….My companies are related to technology….my passion is people.
    Thank you for listening….

  2. #2
    mrks is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: feedback on toastmasters speech...

    The first part was rather decent but it soon gets boring. In my opinion the ratio between self adulation + overall boringness and jokes + humorous remarks was too one sided [obviously not for the latter]. That might be irrelevant seeing we're probably talking about a already mildly tipsy IT crowd here .

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