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  1. #1
    Mac464_SPE Guest

    Default What can I do to structurize this letter

    Dear Sir or Medame,

    I was wondering if the stories I produce are relevant and without too less errors. Could you also explain when I make errors how to correct those in the next stories. I know I'm asking too much, but my ever reach goal is to be fluent in english. Here the letter comes :)


    Jack Russell a 21 old year student focused on another new job appoinment. After been gradulated from pre-school assigments
    he decided to take life to personal high. He went from store to store to ask whether there might be a possition free somewhere.

    he stumbled across many different people as many of his friends admired. " What I am doing he asked himself"
    I know I'm just trying to find a suitable job and don't want to disturb anyone with it. Going from Wallmart stores to Toy stores he
    finds out that the economy was driven on motion.

    Initially he thought that the taks to get a job would be easy. That was just a thought he remembered for the past two months.
    He crossed his mind and suddenly he wakes up from his dream. " Honey I just had a terrible dream" Actually there was
    no woman in the room but he imagined there would be one. First he dressed himself up and made a slice of bread. A glas of milk
    did good to him.

    He walked through the street and many people were talking as usual and wishing each other good luck. He passed the intersection
    and decided to go visiting some famous building. He walked through the Washington Mall and saw everywhere Park Police officers
    strolling around to curve off the streets. " He asks himself the question what's wrong there" He abruply admitted he was the one they
    are looking after. So he reported himself at the police station. Well the officer behind the desk nodded something and called in another
    officers Jack was asked in another room and was interviewed as any other that was behind bars. Well Jack the officer continued.... What's
    your primary job appoitment, or are you in school. He explained I have been graduated from school. In fact his certifcate was in his pocket and
    showed it to the officer.

    Well Jack you seems me not the person to harm anybody. I believe you didn't do anything deliberately so I set you free by now. What's wrong with
    me Jack asked himself when I left the police station. One of bystanders that he met through his life already pointed out a career in the Defense Department
    might be his best shot. " as you know Jack his dad said a long time you are up to one of the most difficult decissions of your life" Defining to see whatever
    job is suitable for you. His father mentioned a variaty of jobs from pilot to store manager. All of those jobs didn't seems to affect much on his mind.

    He walked to the mall and picked up some food. What do you get for those he asked curious? $ 2,44 please, store owner reported to him. He gave the money and
    was about to leave when Mary an old collegue of him walked into the store. " Hi Mary, how are you" haven't seen you in while. That's true I have been working on my business. i'm doing fine as usual and earning my key now. I'm working now for the secratary of navy. You did work up, didn't you? Yes I did and I loving this job.

    You seems to me a person that also suits for an office job I have. How could I apply for jobs related to the milltary he asked curious. Not that difficult Mary explained.
    Please visit the store at Madison Avenue and apply for jobs. What kind of course did you do in school?

    I hope I did write better as I did last year. When I reviewed my letter I was hopeless about the numerous mistakes I made. Thank you for reviewing my story.

    Yours Sincerley,
    Sang-Hyun Jongeleen

  2. #2
    Tdol is online now Editor, UsingEnglish.com
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    Default Re: What can I do to structurize this letter

    I'll start with paragraph one:
    After been gradulated - this should be 'after graduating'
    to personal high- to a personal high
    possition - position

  3. #3
    Mac464_SPE Guest

    Default Re: What can I do to structurize this letter

    Thank you so much for correcting the first paragraph of my story. Seems I have lots of that sort of mistakes. I don't know for sure but I guess so. Are there any possibilities, to avoid such mistakes? Don't know they are.

  4. #4
    Tdol is online now Editor, UsingEnglish.com
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    Default Re: What can I do to structurize this letter

    Paragraph 2
    He stumbled across many different people as many of his friends admired. " What I am doing?" he asked himself".
    "I know I'm just trying to find a suitable job and don't want to disturb anyone with it." Going from Wallmart stores to Toy stores he finds out that the economy was driven on motion.

    OK, I'm not sure what you mean by 'admired' here. The change to the present can work in English, but you then go back to the past in the next paragraph, so I'd stay in the past.

  5. #5
    Mac464_SPE Guest

    Default Re: What can I do to structurize this letter

    Thank you so much for correcting me once again. I feel I Already learned lots from the changes you have noted. It would give me a clear impression of where I came from. Are there any secrects to correct myself? If there are I'd like to know.

  6. #6
    Tdol is online now Editor, UsingEnglish.com
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    Default Re: What can I do to structurize this letter

    OK:
    Initially he thought that the task to get a job would be easy.

    There's something here that needs changing, though note I have corrected the typo.

  7. #7
    Mac464_SPE Guest

    Default Re: What can I do to structurize this letter

    Thank you so much for the last addition! I feel very fine, you do such wonderful job.

  8. #8
    Tdol is online now Editor, UsingEnglish.com
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    Default Re: What can I do to structurize this letter

    OK, but it should be 'the task of getting'.

    Can you change this?:
    He crossed his mind
    Why's it wrong? The verb is correct, but the subject isn't. Over to you.

  9. #9
    Mac464_SPE Guest

    Default Re: What can I do to structurize this letter

    Thanks I did learn such valuable leasson from you guys. Thank you so much. Going to re-write the story to see whether I can find out which errors I can solve.

  10. #10
    Mac464_SPE Guest

    Default Re: What can I do to structurize this letter

    Sure I can change it, let me think.

    He thought the job woundn't be that easy. That was just a feeling I had in mind for months. Suddenly he woke up from his dream. I talked to himself. I had a terrible dream he mumbled.

    I hope the sentence I wrote above, is much better as the one showing up in the first draft.

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