'Common sense' is a non-count noun.
You have tried to use a lot of adverbial phrases (Besides, in other words, by contrast, nevertheless). This is good, but not all of them make sense in the context.
Make sure you answer the question/s asked.
1. What are the factors that contribute to job satisfaction?
I think you have side-stepped this question, and instead, have answered What should people do to achieve job satisfaction?
You have advised people to make friends with their colleagues etc., but an answer to the question asked would be: "an ability to make friends with colleagues", or "friendly colleagues". There is no reason to use "you" at all. The question does not ask you to give advice.
You have explicitly given two factors that contribute to job satisfaction: the overall ease with which a person is satisfied generally; and warm and delightful surroundings.
Do you see the difference?
2. How realistic is the expectation of job satisfaction for all workers?
You've answered this alright.
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