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  1. #1
    Ever Student's Avatar
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    Exclamation Would you please edit my paragraph

    "WAITING"

    It's too late to spend time for a child even for an hour. When a child waites for her parents' coming back home, she considers them cruel. the kid thinks they are delibrately delaying and want to make her furious. When I was a child my parents used to leave me alone with my sister at home and go shopping or meet relatives. Being away parents, I felt insecure. Sometimes, the evil thoughts came to my mind. Inspite of being with my sister, I was not able to stop thinking of an accident which might my parents have. This poor child statrted singing while crying. After an hour her parens came back home with a pockets of fruit, icecream and chocholates. The food was sweet but it could not have make up my bitter waiting.

  2. #2
    sarat_106 is offline Key Member
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    Exclamation Re: Would you please edit my paragraph

    "WAITING"

    It's unbearable for a child to spend time alone even for an hour (too late). When a child waits anxiously for her parents' coming back home, she considers them to be cruel/ unkind/insensitive/ unsympathetic. The kid thinks they are deliberately delaying so as to make her furious/annoyed/irritated. When I was a child my parents used to leave me alone with my sister at home and go shopping or meeting relatives. Remaining at home without (Being away) parents, I felt insecure. Sometimes, some (the) evil thoughts cropped up into my mind (came). In spite of my sister being with me, I was not able to stop thinking of an accident happening to my parents (which might have). This poor child then started singing while crying. After an hour her parents came back home with a pockets of fruit, ice-cream and chocolates. The food was sweet but it could not make good on my bitter waiting (have make up).

    Delete words underlined in brackets.
    Use optional word in red which may appeal to you.
    make good on is an idiomwhich is more appropriate than the phrasal verb make up

  3. #3
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    Default Re: Would you please edit my paragraph

    Quote Originally Posted by taghavi View Post
    "WAITING"

    she considers them cruel. OK

    the kid thinks they are deliberately delaying and want to make her furious. OK.
    But I'd use 'child' throughout.

    Being away from my parents, I felt insecure.

    Sometimes,
    the evil thoughts came to my mind. OK

    it could not make up for my bitter waiting.

    I don't agree with all of sarat's corrections. Above are my thoughts.

  4. #4
    Ever Student's Avatar
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    Default Re: Would you please edit my paragraph

    Hi
    Thank you Raymott.
    Finally, I got confused with the correction.
    Which part of my paragraph is wrong, apart from those you marked above?

  5. #5
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    Default Re: Would you please edit my paragraph

    Quote Originally Posted by taghavi View Post
    "WAITING"

    Even an hour seems too long for a child to spend away from her parents.
    When a child is waiting for her parents to come back home, she considers them cruel. The child thinks they are deliberately delaying and want to make her furious. When I was a child my parents used to leave me alone with my sister at home and go shopping or meet relatives. Being away from my parents, I felt insecure. Sometimes, the evil thoughts came to my mind. In spite of being with my sister, I was not able to stop thinking that my parents might have an accident [I think that's what you mean]. This poor child started singing while crying. After an hour her parents came back home with pocketloads of fruit, icecream and chocolates. The food was sweet but it could not make up my bitter waiting.
    There are many different ways this could be corrected. In the last post I was only pointing out the places where you where originally right, and the corrections I thought were unnecessary.

  6. #6
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    Default Re: Would you please edit my paragraph

    [quote=taghavi;492252]"WAITING"

    It's too late to spend time for a child even for an hour. When a child waits for her parents coming back home, she considers them cruel. The kid thinks they are deliberately delaying and wants to make her furious. When I was a child, my parents used to leave me alone with my sister at home and go shopping or meet relatives. Being away with my parents, I felt insecure. Sometimes, evil thoughts came to my mind. In spite of being with my sister, I was not able to stop thinking of an accident which my parents might have. This poor child started singing while crying. After an hour, her parents came back home with a pockets of fruit, ice cream and chocolates. The food was sweet, but it could not make up with my bitter waiting.

  7. #7
    Ever Student's Avatar
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    Default Re: Would you please edit my paragraph

    Hello Raymott,
    Many thanks for your revising.

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