[Answered] suggestions on a sentence pls

[freezeframe]

I've been fighting with this sentence for 30 minutes now, rewriting it about six times. I can't read it objectively anymore. :-D

How does it sound to you? In particular the last part.

[FONT=&quot]It also depicts Frances Perkins who was the [FONT=&quot]US[/FONT][FONT=&quot] Secretary of Labor under President Franklin D. Roosevelt and the first woman appointed to the United States Cabinet, and who is buried in [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Maine[/FONT][FONT=&quot].[/FONT][/FONT]

Thank you.

 

[Barb_D]

I've been fighting with this sentence for 30 minutes now, rewriting it about six times. I can't read it objectively anymore. :-D

How does it sound to you? In particular the last part.

[FONT=&quot]It also depicts Frances Perkins who was the [FONT=&quot]US[/FONT][FONT=&quot] Secretary of Labor under President Franklin D. Roosevelt and the first woman appointed to the United States Cabinet, and who is buried in [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Maine[/FONT][FONT=&quot].[/FONT][/FONT]

Thank you.

It's trying to do too much, but try this.
It also depicts Frances Perkins, the U.S. Secretary of Labor under President Franklin D. Roosevelt and the first woman appointed to the United States Cabinet, who is buried in Maine.

 

[SanMar]

I've been fighting with this sentence for 30 minutes now, rewriting it about six times. I can't read it objectively anymore. :-D

How does it sound to you? In particular the last part.

[FONT=&quot]It also depicts Frances Perkins who was the [FONT=&quot]US[/FONT][FONT=&quot] Secretary of Labor under President Franklin D. Roosevelt and the first woman appointed to the United States Cabinet, and who is buried in [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Maine[/FONT][FONT=&quot].[/FONT][/FONT]

Thank you.

How I'd write the sentence...

It also depicts Frances Perkins, the first woman appointed to the United States Cabinet as(?) Secretary of Labour under President Franklin D. Roosevelt, who is buried in Maine.

(not sure if this helps, the buried in Maine kinda tanks the sentence a bit, good luck)

Not a teacher.

 

[freezeframe]

How I'd write the sentence...

It also depicts Frances Perkins, the first woman appointed to the United States Cabinet as(?) sorry no but good suggestion! :up: Secretary of Labour under President Franklin D. Roosevelt, who is buried in Maine.

(not sure if this helps, the buried in Maine kinda tanks the sentence a bit, good luck)

Not a teacher.

Yeah that's what's giving me a headache. But I really need that in there. :-( I think Barb's suggestion will work. :up: Thank you.

 

[Barb_D]

As you know, it depends what you want to emphasize.

It depicts Frances Perkins, buried in Maine, who was appointed as U.S. Secretary of Labor under President Franklin D. Roosevelt and who has the distinction of being the first woman appointed to a Cabinet position.

(I don't think you need to repeat United States. Since she was the U.S. Secretary of Labor, it's obvious it was a U.S. Cabinet position. By the way, I looked it up in the AP Stylebook, and Cabinet should be capitalized, as you have it.)

 

[freezeframe]

As you know, it depends what you want to emphasize.

It depicts Frances Perkins, buried in Maine, who was appointed as U.S. Secretary of Labor under President Franklin D. Roosevelt and who has the distinction of being the first woman appointed to a Cabinet position.

(I don't think you need to repeat United States. Since she was the U.S. Secretary of Labor, it's obvious it was a U.S. Cabinet position. By the way, I looked it up in the AP Stylebook, and Cabinet should be capitalized, as you have it.)

The first version, with Maine at the end, works better for my argument.

Good point on not repeating U.S. I tried taking it out before but I couldn't decide. :-D

Thank you.

 

[Barb_D]

I'm curious about the Maine connection. I lived there for 15 years. I miss it daily. Is this more about Maine or more about her? (Idle curiousity, nothing more.)

 

[freezeframe]

I'm curious about the Maine connection. I lived there for 15 years. I miss it daily. Is this more about Maine or more about her? (Idle curiousity, nothing more.)

It is about Maine. I'm using it as an example in my argument. But it's political... :shock: so, click at your own risk:

A mural in Maine pits Gov. Paul LePage against labor unions - The Washington Post

 

[Barb_D]

Oddly, that helped me miss it a little less now.