[Essay] Please look over my eassy ? (TOEFL)

Status
Not open for further replies.

moha27

Member
Joined
Oct 21, 2015
Member Type
Student or Learner
Native Language
Bengali; Bangla
Home Country
Bangladesh
Current Location
Bangladesh
Has the ease of cooking improved life?
Everyone expects improved life, all activity runs oriented to improvement. In my view, cooking improved human's lifestyle. I feel this because of developed cooking system give healthy life, more family inter-relation, more contribution, which I will explore in the following easy.


To the beginning, developed cuisine tool encourage people to make food in home. Most of case, people depended on fast foods which are spicy and pungent in test. Foods prepared in the hotel are contained much fat and more possibility of contamination, this food has harmful impact on health. As a result majority people have obesity problem and heart disease because of consuming extend amount of cholesterol. When the food is prepared in home, people are careful about this issue.Moreover, make food in home with easy cooking encourage people to cook in home. This influence reduce the cost of food.


Secondly, the ease of cooking brings relationship between family members. In past, people thought to take meal in restaurant so that family members have less possibility to communicate each other. Good communication is a essential factor of strong relationship. My father now come back from office during launch time. Before i can meet him at the morning taking preparing for office and at night; so tired and not time to talk. Time has changed with improvement of cuisine tools, contribution of scientific revolution. Furthermore, my family member fully depend on my mother which is now the role maker.


Finally, recent method of preparing food being easy gives people extra time to work in other field. Before it couldn't think up to carry on other job with after providing meal service in family. So the contribution of the huge number of woman who are mainly did it before. Male is now also eager to cook food in house because of comfortable system. So female also get more time to work in other organization. The old system of cooking; make fire and cook food now
hardly found.


To sum up, progressed food making process really brings ease in people daily life where traditional old method suffered people a lot. I strongly believe that by reconnecting family bond, it helps people keep their body fit and to contribute their time in other purposes.
 

Tarheel

VIP Member
Joined
Jun 16, 2014
Member Type
Interested in Language
Native Language
American English
Home Country
United States
Current Location
United States
It might be a good idea to learn how to spell "essay" properly.

The first sentence is good. Is it yours or somebody else's?
 

Tarheel

VIP Member
Joined
Jun 16, 2014
Member Type
Interested in Language
Native Language
American English
Home Country
United States
Current Location
United States
Perhaps:

Have modern cooking methods improved life for ordinary people?
 

Tarheel

VIP Member
Joined
Jun 16, 2014
Member Type
Interested in Language
Native Language
American English
Home Country
United States
Current Location
United States
What are you trying to say? Perhaps:

Everyone wants a better life.
 

Tarheel

VIP Member
Joined
Jun 16, 2014
Member Type
Interested in Language
Native Language
American English
Home Country
United States
Current Location
United States
Say:

In my view, modern cooking methods have improved the lives of ordinary people.
 

Tarheel

VIP Member
Joined
Jun 16, 2014
Member Type
Interested in Language
Native Language
American English
Home Country
United States
Current Location
United States
Your paragraphs are not excessively long. That's good.
 

Tarheel

VIP Member
Joined
Jun 16, 2014
Member Type
Interested in Language
Native Language
American English
Home Country
United States
Current Location
United States
People have more leisure time because it doesn't take as long to cook their food.
 

Tarheel

VIP Member
Joined
Jun 16, 2014
Member Type
Interested in Language
Native Language
American English
Home Country
United States
Current Location
United States
Second paragraph.

In the beginning, all food preparation was done at home.
 

Tarheel

VIP Member
Joined
Jun 16, 2014
Member Type
Interested in Language
Native Language
American English
Home Country
United States
Current Location
United States
P2

When the food is prepared at home people are careful about what?
 

Tarheel

VIP Member
Joined
Jun 16, 2014
Member Type
Interested in Language
Native Language
American English
Home Country
United States
Current Location
United States
P2

I don't know what you are talking about here. Fast food is a fairly recent development. What are you trying to say?
 

moha27

Member
Joined
Oct 21, 2015
Member Type
Student or Learner
Native Language
Bengali; Bangla
Home Country
Bangladesh
Current Location
Bangladesh
"in the beginning" instead of "to the beginning", do you mean that?
 

moha27

Member
Joined
Oct 21, 2015
Member Type
Student or Learner
Native Language
Bengali; Bangla
Home Country
Bangladesh
Current Location
Bangladesh
Second paragraph.

In the beginning, all food preparation was done at home.
"in the beginning" instead of "to the beginning", do you mean that?
 

Tarheel

VIP Member
Joined
Jun 16, 2014
Member Type
Interested in Language
Native Language
American English
Home Country
United States
Current Location
United States
"in the beginning" instead of "to the beginning", do you mean that?

Well, that's part of it. I read the sentences in the essay and it seems that the writer's thoughts are not organized.
 

moha27

Member
Joined
Oct 21, 2015
Member Type
Student or Learner
Native Language
Bengali; Bangla
Home Country
Bangladesh
Current Location
Bangladesh
Well, that's part of it. I read the sentences in the essay and it seems that the writer's thoughts are not organized.

Why do you think the idea isn't properly organized. Would you specified the reasons?
 

Tarheel

VIP Member
Joined
Jun 16, 2014
Member Type
Interested in Language
Native Language
American English
Home Country
United States
Current Location
United States
Why do you think the idea isn't properly organized. Would you specified the reasons?

Say:

Would you specify the reasons?

I'll do my best.
 

Tarheel

VIP Member
Joined
Jun 16, 2014
Member Type
Interested in Language
Native Language
American English
Home Country
United States
Current Location
United States
You need to stick to English phrases and stop inventing things. (What is a "developed cooking system" anyhow?)
 

Tarheel

VIP Member
Joined
Jun 16, 2014
Member Type
Interested in Language
Native Language
American English
Home Country
United States
Current Location
United States
I suggest that you talk about what cooking methods used to be, and then talk about modern cooking methods. Compare the two and talk about how things have improved.
 

Tarheel

VIP Member
Joined
Jun 16, 2014
Member Type
Interested in Language
Native Language
American English
Home Country
United States
Current Location
United States
Each sentence should be connected to the one before and to the one after. They should not be randomly thrown together. You jump from one thing to another, and there is no organization.
 

Tarheel

VIP Member
Joined
Jun 16, 2014
Member Type
Interested in Language
Native Language
American English
Home Country
United States
Current Location
United States
Perhaps:

Because cooking is so much easier nowadays people have more time to do other things.
 

Tarheel

VIP Member
Joined
Jun 16, 2014
Member Type
Interested in Language
Native Language
American English
Home Country
United States
Current Location
United States
How Modern Cooking Methods Improvr the Lives of Ordinary People

Are people healthier because of better cooking methods? Demonstrate that. Do it it with facts.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top