Suggest changes in my writing, IELTS, Writing task 2

[Rezafo]

1. Please correct and suggest changes, and assess the likely band score for my passage.
2. I know the conclusion paragraph is pretty short, but tell me how I can expand the idea when I have said all I wanted to say in these two lines, and I couldn't think of any more words.

IELTS, Writing task 2
Topic: Some people believe that the best way to learn anything is "learning by doing". Others would rather learn through books and from teachers. Think of learning a language. Which way do you think is a better way to learn a language?

I believe that learning a language will be done better and more effectively if we learn it by doing that and getting engaged in it. Books give a lot of information, but they're not practical. We need to put them in practice.

When we do something, it can have fun or shocking feedback, so the impact of its educational aspects would linger longer in our mind, rather than merely reading and memorizing information and data from the books.

When you try to speak in real situation you will instantly be altered of your mistakes and you try to improve both the situation and the language usage. Similarly, when you sit down and start writing, you experience your weak and good points which this experience cannot be materialized through only reading tips and techniques. In the same way, this is different from learning plenty of hints and tips from the instructors.

All in all, while learning though books and from teachers is useful and worthy, I personally advocate more the learning by doing and practicing.

 

[teechar]

I believe that learning a language [STRIKE]will be done[/STRIKE] can be better and more effectively achieved by actual practice and immersion in a native-speaker environment. [STRIKE]if we learn it by doing that and getting engaged in it.[/STRIKE] Books [STRIKE]give a lot of[/STRIKE] can provide plenty of useful information, but they're not practical. We need to put [STRIKE]them[/STRIKE] what we learn into practice if we're to become proficient in a language.

When we do something, it can have fun or shocking feedback, so the impact of its educational aspects would linger longer in our mind, rather than merely reading and memorizing information and data from the books. [I don't understand this, and I can't see how it relates to your position.]

Moreover, when you try to speak in a real situation, you will instantly be [STRIKE]altered[/STRIKE] aware of your mistakes and you try to improve both the situation and the language usage. Similarly, when you sit down and start writing, you experience your weak and good points which this experience cannot be materialized through only reading tips and techniques. In the same way, this is different from learning plenty of hints and tips from the instructors [I don't understand this.

All in all, while learning though books and from teachers is useful and worthwhile, [STRIKE]worthy,[/STRIKE] I personally [STRIKE]advocate more the[/STRIKE] prefer learning by doing and practicing.

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[Rezafo]

.

I meant, when you make a mistake it has an impact on you, because your mistakes make you feel ashamed, embarrassed, amused, or laugh. Because you are experiencing your mistakes and you try to find the answer or write or say it in the right way. Then the effect of educational / constructive aspect of the lessons which you get in practice, is by far more practical and useful than some English lessons in a book.

I can't be more clearer and simpler than this.

 

[Rezafo]

What about the likely band score of my writing?

 

[teechar]

Perhaps try:
When we practise a language skill in a real/authentic situation, we get instant and real feedback. So if we make any mistakes, we are more likely remember them and not repeat them in future.

What about the likely band score of my writing?

I would say 4 to 5.

I strongly advise you to write in simple, direct and clear language. Do not try to unnecessarily complicate your sentences, because that could well make them ungrammatical as well as difficult to understand; and that would only frustrate the reader/examiner and likely reduce your mark.

 

[Rezafo]

OK, thanks for the advice.
Shall I put more writings of me for reviewing and scoring?
The next one is much better.

 

[teechar]

OK, thanks for the advice.
[STRIKE]Shall[/STRIKE] Can I [STRIKE]put[/STRIKE] post/submit more [STRIKE]writings of me[/STRIKE] of my texts for reviewing and scoring?
The next one is much better.

Yes, you can, but please start a new thread for each one. Also, wait for us to respond to one thread before starting a new one.

 

[Rezafo]

Thank you.

1. I used "shall", as one of its meanings is asking for permission. I'm a user here so I was asking the permission of doing so.
2. Submit sounds too formal to to fit in here. I would go for "post".
3. some or more X of me (as I've read and seen here and there), wouldn't work as some or more of my X?

I appreciate your time and care.

 

[teechar]

1- No, just use "can" or "could".
2- Either "submit" or "post" can work in that context.
3- No, "more writings of me" is incorrect. Don't be confused by other uses of "of me", for example, "pictures of me" or "records of me"; those are different.

 

[Rezafo]

I strongly advise you to write in simple, direct and clear language. Do not try to unnecessarily complicate your sentences, because that could well make them ungrammatical as well as difficult to understand; and that would only frustrate the reader/examiner and likely reduce your mark.

And, this tip is totally different from what IELTS teacher always keep saying; "This is IELTS/TOEFL writing, they expect you use advanced words and structures, not simple ones"

 

[Rezafo]

I personally advocate more theprefer learning by .

But, I want to use the word "advocate", otherwise I could write prefer and such simple words.