Can you please review my motivation letter

[arnab_in4u]

This is to state that I have written this cover letter to you as I earnestly seek an admission for the program XXXXabc at XXX University. I came to know about the University and its programs as part of Campus France tour in my city, Kolkata on 3rd October, 2018.
I have always been interested in designing and drafting of mechanical components. As such, I joined Technosoft Solutions at Vishakaptnam, India in 2013, as a CAD/CAM engineer, after finishing my Bachelor’s degree. I was in charge of designing new machine parts (hydraulic flanges, knuckle joints, and turbine bearings), determining error in CAD drawings, and generation of CNC part programs from MasterCAM software. Working there certainly helped me hone my computer skills, technical knowledge, man-management skills and ability to withstand long working hours without hampering productivity. However, one of the key challenges I faced was low strength of the part, as machine parts failed prematurely sometimes. A lot of calculations were needed for optimization of parameters. Also, complex CAD functions were not used extensively, which could have saved a lot of programming time.
My final year Masters project at ABC College focused on evaluating grinding performance of Nickel and Titanium alloys with the application of novel soap water based cooling and lubrication system. Still, the experimental iterations could have been managed better with Design Of Experiments, which I did not know back then. Also, optimization of process parameters was not done.
The online course “Applications of 3D printing” offered by Coursera was an eye opener into the power of 3D printing technologies in small scale industries. As a result, in the near future, I am genuinely interested in setting up a 3D printing company in India for manufacture of turbine blades; however, I am not aware of the supply chain logistics involved.
These shortcomings on my behalf have propelled me to search for a course which caters to my current academic interests, which is offered by the M2 program at this university. Courses such as Advanced CAD/CAM/CNC and Design of Experiments Methods for Manufacturing would deepen my knowledge in specific fields. Major industrial and R&D collaborations offered by the university will give me a competitive edge towards starting a professional career. I am looking forward to the spring semester internship which will enable me to apply theories of mechanical engineering to real world applications.
I believe that my prior professional experience in handling CAD models and a strong understanding of processing and modeling of alloys make me a suitable candidate for this program. Besides, I am a hardworking, motivated and determined person. I believe I can successfully accomplish any tasks faced in this rigorous program.
Looking forward to your positive response.

 

[EnglishArrow]

Hey there! This letter is a great start and it looks like you have some great experience to make you a competitive applicant. Here is some general advice that can help bring your letter to the next level.

Also, I do not know if they offered any guidelines so if they have please provide them here.

1. Be more direct. If your letter does not catch their attention with the first or second line, the admissions official might not even read the rest. Make your point quickly and concisely. Your first line for example: "This is to state that I have written this cover letter to you as I earnestly seek an admission for the program...." I recommend cutting out some unnecessary words. Try instead: "I am writing to formally apply for [program] at [school] so I can achieve [your goal here]" Remember this is a motivation letter, and your motivation should be apparent right away.

2. Talk about yourself, not just what you've done. You list your skills in the first paragraph which is good, but consider framing it in a different way. Instead of "I have skills in this, this, this and this," Talk about how you learn and use these skills. For example: "My job at [company] helped me develop excellent management skills. Part of responsibility was [something] and I used my [skill] to [result]. Giving concrete results helps to illustrate your skills.

3. Don't be too negative. Talking about "shortcomings" and "low strength" is okay, but it's important to focus on overcoming problems and showing improvement. For example, if I'm interviewing a potential employee and they say, "I have problems making machines that function well for a long time" I will not hire them. But if they say, "I find it challenging to design long-lasting machines, but in the last three years at my work I've increased longevity by an average of 26% and I continue to work with others to seek innovative solutions" I will be much more impressed. Admitting weakness is fine, but show us how you will overcome this.
- Related, I would not mention, "I am not aware of the supply chain logistics involved" Instead, I would go directly to, "I hope to learn the skills in supply chain logistics that I need to successfully make my idea a reality" or something like this.

Feel free to ask any questions in this thread and I will give the best advice I can. Good luck!

 

[teechar]

Dear Sir/Madam,

I wish to apply for admission into the ABCD program at XXX University. I came to know about the University and its programs as part of the Campus France tour in my city, Kolkata on 3rd October, 2018.

I have always been interested in designing and drafting mechanical components. As such, I joined Technosoft Solutions at Vishakaptnam, India in 2013, as a CAD/CAM engineer, after finishing my bachelor’s degree in mechanical engineering. I was in charge of designing new machine parts (hydraulic flanges, knuckle joints, and turbine bearings), determining errors in CAD drawings, and generation of CNC part programs using MasterCAM software. Working there certainly helped me hone my computer skills, technical knowledge, and ability to withstand long working hours without compromising productivity. However, one of the key challenges I faced was low strength of the finished parts, as machine parts failed prematurely sometimes. A lot of calculations were needed for optimization of parameters. Also, I realized that complex CAD functions were not used extensively, which could have saved a lot of programming time.

My final year master's project at ABC College focused on evaluating grinding performance of Nickel and Titanium alloys with the application of a novel soap-water based cooling and lubrication system. Still, the experimental iterations could have been managed better with Design Of Experiments, which I did not know back then. Also, optimization of process parameters was not done.

I did an online course, “Applications of 3D printing”, offered by Coursera, and that was an eye opener into the power of 3D printing technologies in small scale industries. As a result, I would be genuinely interested, in the near future, in setting up a 3D printing company in India to manufacture turbine blades. However, I would first like to gain knowledge of the supply chain logistics involved.

Thus, I believe the course offered by the M2 program at this university is ideally suited for me. Subjects such as Advanced CAD/CAM/CNC and Design of Experiments Methods for Manufacturing would deepen my knowledge in specific fields. Additionally, the industrial and R&D collaborations offered by the university will give me a competitive edge towards starting a professional career. I am looking forward to the spring semester internship which will enable me to apply theories of mechanical engineering to real world applications.

I believe that my prior professional experience in handling CAD models and strong understanding of processing and modeling of alloys make me a suitable candidate for this program. Besides, I am a hardworking, motivated and determined person. I believe I can successfully accomplish any tasks in this rigorous program.

I thank you for considering my application and look forward to your positive response.

Yours faithfully,

Prakash Gupta
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