Can anyone check my essay?

[Archibald]

Hi,
This is my essay here. Can anyone check it for me? Thanks!

Traffic and housing problems in cities can be solved by moving companies, factories and their employees to the countryside. Do you agree or disagree?

Unbanisation does not only make a huge progress for human beings , but also brings some problems such as traffic congestion and higher housing prices to the city . One solution is to move companies and their employees to the countryside, but I believe it is not the reasonable solution for city problems.

Admittedly, there are some benefits of the method of moving industries to the rural areas . One advantage is that it could reduce traffic problems because many people will go to work outside the city so it could release the traffic burden of the city . Another benefit is that there will be less attraction for the houses in the city . When many companies move outside the city , their employees prefer to live outside the city too. It will directly lead to less requirements for the houses . Due to this reason, city residents can buy houses in reasonable prices.

However, in my opinion, moving industries to the countryside cannot solve the city problems fundamentally. Firstly,not all the companies suited to do their businesses in the countryside. Big factories are suited to moved to the countryside. Howerer, in recent years, you can rarely see big factories in the city. Most companies in the city are tertiary occupation, and they need to communicate with many organizations and agencies so their do not tend to move outside the city.Secondly, many people love to live in cities because they can have easily access to more facilities than in the rural areas,

In conclusion , I do not think it is a good idea to reduce the city problems in a long term. We must figure out a fundamental solution to solve the traffic problem and housing prices and any other city problems.

The end.

Thanks!

 

[Editors4Writers]

Original:

Urbanization does not only make a huge progress for human beings, but also brings some problems such as traffic congestion and higher housing prices to the city. One solution is to move companies and their employees to the countryside, but I believe it is not the reasonable solution for city problems [thesis statement].

Revised:

In many ways, urbanization of rural areas is beneficial to the overall progress of humanity; however, people are concerned about its negative impact on their respective lives, such as dealing with traffic congestion and increased housing prices. Individuals suggest that we relocate companies to the countryside, but I do not agree with their proposal because it is not an effective solution. [What do you think is an effective solution to this problem?]

Original:

Admittedly, there are some benefits of the method of moving industries to the rural areas . One advantage is that it could reduce traffic problems because many people will go to work outside the city so it could release the traffic burden of the city . Another benefit is that there will be less attraction for the houses in the city . When many companies move outside the city , their employees prefer to live outside the city too. It will directly lead to less requirements for the houses . Due to this reason, city residents can buy houses in reasonable prices.

Critique and Revision:


First, let us entertain the idea of implementing this ineffective solution. By reducing the number of industry workers in the city, we will notice a significant reduction in traffic congestion. Not only that but employees will want to avoid the hassle of traveling long distances to work by purchasing rural based homes. As a result, this displacement would provide current city residents with their desired affordable housing.

I find your reasoning here intriguing. Urbanization is a direct result of industrial development, so we can safely assume that this is not a permanent solution. Problems associated with urban development will follow suit wherever businesses and industries are located. Perhaps you should clarify the types of businesses you are referring to in your paper. Not all companies create problems.

 

[marivic45]

That was a very interesting topic on an essay. With regards to your questions, I think I am agree on you. Traffic and housing problems in cities can be solved by moving companies, factories and their employees to the countryside.