Revision

[omareemom]

I need help in revising my paragraph to make it crisp and clear please

“Since its founding, the student senate on the campus has maintained essentially one goal: to upgrade the quality of its student-related services. Two years ago, the senate, supported by the opinions of three consultants provided by the National Council of Student Governing Boards, was confident it was operating from a base of quality but felt that, if given additional monetary support from the administration, a significant improvement in student services would be facilitated. This was a valid prediction, for that is exactly what transpired in the past fifteen months once additional monetary resources were, in fact, allocated by the administration to the senate and its activities.”

 

[mtreadaway]

Hi Omareemom,

While there is nothing wrong with your paragraph, you could try breaking down the ideas in your sentences with the aim of shortening them. Even though your sentences are grammatical, they are very complex (in my opinion) because they include multiple subordinate clauses. This complexity means the reader has to work a little harder to understand the message. If the whole text were written as densely as this, it may become difficult to understand. Ultimately, it is a question of style...

Hope this gives you food for thought.

Thanks,

Maria

 

[emsr2d2]

Omareemom, what is the purpose of your paragraph?