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hi, This is my first essay, https://www.usingenglish.com/forum/editing-writing-topics/112145-thanks-lot-check-my-essay.html I have got a lot of help from this forum, and below is my second essay. Could you please give me any suggestion on my grammer, vocabulary, structure and perspective...

Can someone help me to correct my writing please? I would be pretty grateful! I have got 5.5 score in my ielts writing test in the past two tests, but the pass score is 6.0. My essay has never been checked since I started to learn this language, so I don’t know my problem and what I need to do...