Motivation Letter for Masters, can anyone proof read/ Edit or drop any suggestions

I am writing this letter to apply for a place in the Master’s program. Doing Master now has become my utmost priority. There needs to be Post Graduation Level education supporting my CV. Markets demands have grown out exponentially, with many Graduates coming into the Market every Year competition is strong enough for me to consider doing a Master’s.

One of many accomplishments of my life was earning my FRM, Graduation, Certified Investment Advisor and DTIRM, despite the fact that my early adulthood pointed in the opposite direction, beginning with my successful entry in Chartered Accountancy at the age of 19. By the age of 21 I was frustrated with menial, cleric, feeling weary, and tired. There is nothing like doing that job, this inspired me with determination toward obtaining a Professional education far Superior both in Content and Compensation. Because of my absolute commitment toward earning my degree, I quit Chartered accountancy (the consequences of failure in Chartered Accountancy course ware dire) because at the end you may not even have a Degree in hand, it’s a Professional Course where Failures only means the end for everything that you worked for and knowledge you gained is of now value.

Enrolled at missionary operated University far from my home, I experienced a different world opening up to me; excited by a new encouraging environment, I excelled academically. I possessed the ability to take advantage of these opportunities. That’s where I found my new interest in Risk management after completing my Diploma in Treasury Investment and Risk Management (DTIRM) during my final year of Graduation. Thanks to the College, they waived off a few restrictions allowing me to take time off to finish such courses.

With a lifelong passion for Finance and Economics, I have developed a keen interest in the Risk Management. After Completing DTIRM from Indian Institute for Banking and Finance, I wanted to pursue something in Risk Management that has Global Presence and Value. That led me to GARP (USA) course FRM (Financial Risk Management) one of the Triple Crown courses. This is a very demanding and toughest courses in the field of Finance. It took me a rigorous schedule of disciplined study to clear FRM (I) in Jan/18, now with FRM (ll) to be attempted in May/2019. (Observe 1yr gap)

In 2018, I steered myself into Investment Banking Sector, which bought me to Hyderabad. One of the major Financial and IT hubs of India. Here I attended special Private classes to enable me to attempt NISM (National Institute for Investments and Markets) Examination. There pass rate are as low as 28%-38%. In India, every intermediary working in financial market or those linked to financial products has to go through these examinations mandated under law by Securities and Exchange Board of India. I gave my CIA (Certified Investment Advisor) Level 1 in Dec/18 and Level 2 Jan/19. I was able to clear these mentally challenging examinations with surprising results. Now I am among a few handful students/professionals who have cleared NISM CIA in their First attempt.

As a student, I feel that my success lies in the fact that I approached my studies as if I were a professional (not student). I always enrolled in the most challenging courses and worked with professors and teachers that I felt were the most qualified in my areas of interest. Never did I settle for something small. If I got one, I would ask what I could do to improve--and ultimately, I utilized the advice to strengthen my work.

My focus as an undergraduate has always been with an eye toward graduate school and a career as a professional in Finance. Aware of the rigors of graduate study, I have not only completed an undergraduate language requirement in English, with a good 7.5 band in IELTS (by British Council). I feel that my life experiences as well as my commitment to education would be an asset to your esteemed University. Your University has an exciting program that is feasible both financially and in Quality of Education. A Masters from recognized university like yours and FRM, this combination will provide the strong background I desire in order to shape my future interests. I feel that a German University would be great for an aspiring Ph.D. candidate. It’s Germans who taught the world about research Universities, pioneering a new breed of Academic Institutions. Also I can gain the advantage to learn to cooperate with people from different backgrounds and Learning Deutsch will finish my goal of 5 languages (1‰ of world population speak 5 languages fluently)

With my strong academic background, I am confident that I am qualified and able to perform well in this program. Studying at your university would be such a major accomplishment for me and will help me to pursue my future career.

Thank you very much for considering my application. I look forward to your positive response.

Sincerely,
GBPN

banuprakash said:

I am writing this letter to apply for a place in the [name?] Master’s program. Doing Master now has become my utmost priority. There needs to be Post Graduation Level education supporting my CV. Markets demands have grown out exponentially, with many Graduates coming into the Market every Year competition is strong enough for me to consider doing a Master’s.

One of many accomplishments of my life was earning my FRM, Graduation, Certified Investment Advisor and DTIRM, despite the fact that my early adulthood pointed in the opposite direction, beginning with my successful entry in Chartered Accountancy at the age of 19. By the age of 21 I was frustrated with menial, cleric, feeling weary, and tired. There is nothing like doing that job, this inspired me with determination toward obtaining a Professional education far Superior both in Content and Compensation. Because of my absolute commitment toward earning my degree, I quit Chartered accountancy (the consequences of failure in Chartered Accountancy course ware dire [why?]) because at the end you may not even have a Degree in hand, it’s a Professional Course where Failures only means the end for everything that you worked for and knowledge you gained is of now value.

Enrolled at missionary operated University far from my home, I experienced a different world opening up to me; excited by a new encouraging environment, I excelled academically. I possessed the ability to take advantage of these opportunities. That’s where I found my new interest in Risk management after completing my Diploma in Treasury Investment and Risk Management (DTIRM) during my final year of Graduation. Thanks to the College, they waived off a few restrictions allowing me to take time off to finish such courses.

With a lifelong passion for Finance and Economics, I have developed a keen interest in the Risk Management. After Completing DTIRM from Indian Institute for Banking and Finance, I wanted to pursue something in Risk Management that has Global Presence and Value. That led me to GARP (USA) course FRM (Financial Risk Management) one of the Triple Crown courses. This is a very demanding and toughest courses in the field of Finance. It took me a rigorous schedule of disciplined study to clear FRM (I) in Jan/18, now with FRM (ll) to be attempted in May/2019. (Observe 1yr gap)

In 2018, I steered myself into Investment Banking Sector, which bought me to Hyderabad. One of the major Financial and IT hubs of India. Here I attended special Private classes to enable me to attempt NISM (National Institute for Investments and Markets) Examination. There pass rate are as low as 28%-38%. In India, every intermediary working in financial market or those linked to financial products has to go through these examinations mandated under law by Securities and Exchange Board of India. I gave my CIA (Certified Investment Advisor) Level 1 in Dec/18 and Level 2 Jan/19. I was able to clear these mentally challenging examinations with surprising results. Now I am among a few handful students/professionals who have cleared NISM CIA in their First attempt.

As a student, I feel that my success lies in the fact that I approached my studies as if I were a professional (not student). I always enrolled in the most challenging courses and worked with professors and teachers that I felt were the most qualified in my areas of interest [how did you manage to choose those professors?!]. Never did I settle for something small. If I got one, I would ask what I could do to improve--and ultimately, I utilized the advice to strengthen my work.

My focus as an undergraduate has always been with an eye toward graduate school and a career as a professional in Finance. Aware of the rigors of graduate study, I have not only completed an undergraduate language requirement in English, with a good 7.5 band in IELTS (by British Council). I feel that my life experiences as well as my commitment to education would be an asset to your esteemed University. Your University has an exciting program that is feasible both financially and in Quality of Education. A Masters from recognized university like yours and FRM, this combination will provide the strong background I desire in order to shape my future interests. I feel that a German University would be great for an aspiring Ph.D. candidate. It’s Germans who taught the world about research Universities, pioneering a new breed of Academic Institutions. Also I can gain the advantage to learn to cooperate with people from different backgrounds and Learning Deutsch will finish my goal of 5 languages (1‰ of world population speak 5 languages fluently)

With my strong academic background, I am confident that I am qualified and able to perform well in this program. Studying at your university would be such a major accomplishment for me and will help me to pursue my future career.

Thank you very much for considering my application. I look forward to your positive response.

Sincerely,
GBPN

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See comments in red. Also, I don't understand the text highlighted in blue. Try to cut out any waffle and to add more substance.

"Doing Master" is wrong.